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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Luigi's Triple Pop
PIC DELETED
When macking on sexy cheekboned brunettes, Luigi knows how to bust true gangsta style.
1. Tri-Color Triple Collar Pop (with pink Izod on top in dominant position, natch)
2. 10 Degree Pink Hat Tilt.
3. White sweatdana.
4. The tiniest tuft of chin pubes.
Svetlana is Eastern European mail-order goodness. Her understated beauty deserves a round of applause. And by applause, I mean my headbutting a pommel horse.
Here’s a (pic deleted) to fully appreciate the Luigi Experience.
I smell a Weekly.
Or maybe that’s just my rug.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009HCwDB of the Week: Purple Lips and Carmen
In a close two-way fight between Purple Lips’s scarfbaggery and the Spring Break Log, it was Purps for the win. And by win, I mean cultural atrocity:
The Reverend Doom: Purple Lips and Carmen for the Win! He’s a maga-douche with that bizarro outfit and scrote worthy scarf. ya think he could at least coordinate his clothes instead of deciding by wearing the least smelly ones that are laying on the floor. Carmen is super cute without revealing much – what a babe.
omega4132: Pulple Lips FTW. The hair, the rosary beads, the Grey Goose and Red Bull. The scrote.
Creature: purple lips needs to be shoved on the third rail & peed upon… purp ftw
Luke: I had to log in by mobile from abroad to vote, but it’s worth it to insist purple lips gets it. I do think whitey deserved a spot in the top 3, though.
Michelle Tyson: PL because he looks like a cross between Don King and Mr. T, because he wants to look like this, and because he thinks he looks good. I pity the fool.
Captain Bringdown: Purple Lips gets worse every time I look at him. He just keeps rolling out the douche like an effeminate Donkey Kong hurling barrels of Axe, product, and lip gloss at me as I try to rescue poor Carmen from both him and her Cousin It wig.
Mr. Choad’s Wild Ride: Purple Lips should take the advice of Senator Charles Grassley (R)-Iowa and commit suicide. Although Purple Lips may not face a congressional hearing committee for taking a bonus after receiving a multi-billion dollar federal bailout, his scarf, lipstick, frosted-tipped spiked hair, and disporportionatly long belt should get him a Douchebag of the Week.
Well said, Panel. Another excellent round of voting and douche/hott shredding. Coming in a strong second was Spring Break ‘Bag:
Douche Attack 3: Megalodouche: Purple lips is comical, Spring Break Bag is very irritating. He is source douche. SBB takes it.
the douche leader, kim jong illin’: SBB, put the hott down, go back to grad school, and take off the tags before someone who earned them chokes you with them.
Charles Nelson Douchely: Spring Break Bag. Very much ‘Revenge of the Choads 2: Choads in Paradise”-y. Although Booger would still kick his arse up and down the shore.
‘Bag Hammadi: Spring Break Bag FTW: the complete package, and his Morgana Bleeth even ups the total ante by striking an attempt at commercial parody pose.
And the creepy Bandaidto came in a distant third:
Clint Douchewood: It has to be Bandaito for the weekly, because that face screams to the heavens, “Please god, will someone strike me in the gallbladder.” I certainly hate the other two contestants, but for two very specific reasons, captain bludgeon my stupid face, aka sergeant fecal feliac, also known as Bandaito, must win.
Anonymous: Bandaidto is old man pants rank, plus bandaid, wristband, and shocker smell of bengay and egg farts. Contrast that with the cute little black skirted minx. She adds back what he takes away and then some.
But with only a few votes, Bandaidto’s strategically placed bandaid and Alba Hott didn’t rankle as much as I thought it would.
So Purps and Carmen are our clear winner. And by winner, I mean laughable douche-scarf and blonde suckle thigh being Doggie ‘Bagged. Gaijindouche takes it home:
Purple lips. He knows exactly what he is doing, and for that he should be punished accordingly.
Yes. Yes he does. And Carmen is delightful hair extension butt-paddle-worthy cuteness. For that, they earn the right to compete in the HCwDB of the Month.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009GmonE is a DscHbg
“She walked up close and grabbed my hand. She said she’s single with no man. “
It’s like the poetry of W. H. Auden. If he’d had a front-lobe lobotomy and a lisp.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009Brenda’s Chicago Tag
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Hey there!
I thought I would send this priceless nugget of joy along since keeping it for myself would be a sin.
My roommate and I live in Chicago and our friend decided it would be a good idea to throw a birthday party in Schaumburg one recent Saturday night. Schaumburg is almost synonymous with douchebag. It’s your typical chain restaurant saturated, mall centered, soccer mom town. It’s amazing how ridiculously clueless guys can be when they are living just outside the city of Chicago.
Anyway, my roommate and I, after much deliberation, decided to attend the party which was at the worst chain bar location in history, John Barleycorn, for the sole reason that we might run into some fantastic douchebags. Well, our predictions were spot on and we took this picture just before we went running for the hills. It was like spotting a unicorn. You couldn’t manufacture such doucheyness if you tried! So here it is, my greatest attempt yet, a picture that speaks a thousand words.
Sincerely,
Brenda from Chicago
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Excellent work Brenda, lets add it up Big Buck Hunter Pro style:
One Greenhorn Uberdouche, +300 points.
One minimalist Sweatbag doing the “Blue Steel,” +100 points.
One Casual Hoodie on the verge of a nottabag, +25 points.
Cute Blonde and Brunette Roommates showing shoulder suckle goodness, + 200 points.
Total for Brenda = 625.
Nice shootin’! But next time, lets see some more cleavite.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009Brenda's Chicago Tag
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Hey there!
I thought I would send this priceless nugget of joy along since keeping it for myself would be a sin.
My roommate and I live in Chicago and our friend decided it would be a good idea to throw a birthday party in Schaumburg one recent Saturday night. Schaumburg is almost synonymous with douchebag. It’s your typical chain restaurant saturated, mall centered, soccer mom town. It’s amazing how ridiculously clueless guys can be when they are living just outside the city of Chicago.
Anyway, my roommate and I, after much deliberation, decided to attend the party which was at the worst chain bar location in history, John Barleycorn, for the sole reason that we might run into some fantastic douchebags. Well, our predictions were spot on and we took this picture just before we went running for the hills. It was like spotting a unicorn. You couldn’t manufacture such doucheyness if you tried! So here it is, my greatest attempt yet, a picture that speaks a thousand words.
Sincerely,
Brenda from Chicago
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Excellent work Brenda, lets add it up Big Buck Hunter Pro style:
One Greenhorn Uberdouche, +300 points.
One minimalist Sweatbag doing the “Blue Steel,” +100 points.
One Casual Hoodie on the verge of a nottabag, +25 points.
Cute Blonde and Brunette Roommates showing shoulder suckle goodness, + 200 points.
Total for Brenda = 625.
Nice shootin’! But next time, lets see some more cleavite.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009“Ass Pear and Douche Head”
One of the lesser known tales from The Brothers Grimm, “Ass Pear and Douche Head” was first discovered in a book of children’s folklore written in Dusseldorf in 1846.
Here is an excerpt:
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“Nein!! Do not leave this house!!” said Ass Pear’s Grandmother, sternly. “For if there is no order, the Nation-State will crumble into chaos!!”
But Ass Pear did not heed the warning of her stern, but sensibly cruel and forceful, Grandmother.
Instead, Ass Pear snuck off to the Wunder Club, where she met up with her best friend, Cheek Kiss.
“I hope our dereliction does not bring disorder to the ruling authority!” exclaimed Cheek Kiss nervously.
“Neither do I!” said Ass Pear. “For reckless youth leads to disorder. And disorder leads to impurities of the blood!”
But before Cheek Kiss could respond, along came Douche Head.
“Hallo!” said Douche Head, with bristling chin pubes.
“Ja?” asked Ass Pear.
“How may we help you?” Asked Cheek Kiss.
“My mandana is tight and powerful! It seduces you with its impure power!” said Douche Head proudly.
Since Ass Pear and Cheek Kiss had not followed the stern yet highly organized schedule imposed upon them by their Grandmother, they ran home quickly.
“I warned you.” said Ass Pear’s Grandmother, who had turned them both in to the authorities.
Both Ass Pear and Cheek Kiss were then tortured for six months, for the good of the Nation-state. But they had learned their lesson. And their blood would remain pure for the benefit of Deutschland.
The End.
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"Ass Pear and Douche Head"
One of the lesser known tales from The Brothers Grimm, “Ass Pear and Douche Head” was first discovered in a book of children’s folklore written in Dusseldorf in 1846.
Here is an excerpt:
—–
“Nein!! Do not leave this house!!” said Ass Pear’s Grandmother, sternly. “For if there is no order, the Nation-State will crumble into chaos!!”
But Ass Pear did not heed the warning of her stern, but sensibly cruel and forceful, Grandmother.
Instead, Ass Pear snuck off to the Wunder Club, where she met up with her best friend, Cheek Kiss.
“I hope our dereliction does not bring disorder to the ruling authority!” exclaimed Cheek Kiss nervously.
“Neither do I!” said Ass Pear. “For reckless youth leads to disorder. And disorder leads to impurities of the blood!”
But before Cheek Kiss could respond, along came Douche Head.
“Hallo!” said Douche Head, with bristling chin pubes.
“Ja?” asked Ass Pear.
“How may we help you?” Asked Cheek Kiss.
“My mandana is tight and powerful! It seduces you with its impure power!” said Douche Head proudly.
Since Ass Pear and Cheek Kiss had not followed the stern yet highly organized schedule imposed upon them by their Grandmother, they ran home quickly.
“I warned you.” said Ass Pear’s Grandmother, who had turned them both in to the authorities.
Both Ass Pear and Cheek Kiss were then tortured for six months, for the good of the Nation-state. But they had learned their lesson. And their blood would remain pure for the benefit of Deutschland.
The End.
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Is this Anya?
Is the lovely flotation device enhanced hott in the middle, the legendary Hall of Hott member, The Smearkat’s Anya?
All boobs point to yes.
And is Chinpube McNapkin on the right “the shit”? Or a turd log?
And I see you too, tiny Swedish Pixie Stick. I would humbly place my head betwixt your breasts and make creepy, gutteral cries like the mutant baby in Eraserhead.
Tuesday, March 24, 200922/7
It’s nice to see noted character actor Mark Margolis can find time in between gigs to douche it up with some Vegas ladies.
No comment on the large lady on the left, but Cindee on the right is wholesome cuteness, and has the classiest tattoo since this one.
Monday, March 23, 2009Gwyneth Paltrow and Designer Oompa
Gwyneth Paltrow, still lookin’ relatively good. Even after marrying into the most hacktacular echo band this side of The Led Zeppelin tribute band, Stairway to Zoso, playing live through Sunday at the “Lazer Floyd” show at the Hayden Planetarium.
Coldplay is like an alien slug from Heinlein’s The Puppet Masters. It slithers onto a real body and converts it into an empty shell of meaningless void. They are the group equivalent of John Mayer. Well packaged “authenticity” as rubric of achieving Suckle Thigh and cash from the tasteless masses, too blitzkreiged by iPod campaigns to smell out the difference between talented artists who produce art, and talented artists who repurpose warmed-over reductive U2 riffs.
But I digress. Back to this pic.
Rudolph Valentino looks very much alive. And he looks up ladies dresses, as they sadly pass him by.
