Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Gotti Training

Jesus bling? Check.

Orange tan? Check.

Ginormous watch? Check.

Two sorority packages of soft squishy fun? Check.

Hair that looks like a porcupine mated with a cheese grater? Check and mate.

And by mate, I mean please do not.

Crosshair McJohnson and Leia say “Thanks, broha!!”

HCwDB of the Week winners Crosshair McJohnson and Leia wanted to drop by in their less fully douched-up weekend clothes and bashfully thank you for voting them HCwDB of the Week.

To show her appreciation, Leia wanted to give you a taste of her suckleable and highly gnawable shoulder.

Crosshair wanted to you to know that Jesus died for his bicep.

Crosshair McJohnson and Leia say "Thanks, broha!!"

HCwDB of the Week winners Crosshair McJohnson and Leia wanted to drop by in their less fully douched-up weekend clothes and bashfully thank you for voting them HCwDB of the Week.

To show her appreciation, Leia wanted to give you a taste of her suckleable and highly gnawable shoulder.

Crosshair wanted to you to know that Jesus died for his bicep.

The Bandaidto

Watch out, Alba Hott!!

He has band aids.

Yeah, I went there. I blame the New York drinking.

Jeff Fratsworthy

In honor of the hacktackularly lame Jeff Foxworthy:

If your yadda is yadda, you might be a Fratdouche.

So Jeff Foxworthy lives, but Mitch Hedberg died. There truly is no justice.

The White Shadow

As men become spectacle in the hopes of attracting suckle thigh, Shadow’s douche-face tasks us with the noblest of philosophical inquiries.

What are the limitations of language systems, and do they prevent a complete capture of “the real”?

How do we process our understandings of self through a shifting and mobile subjectivity?

Are there Ass Pears that smell like lilacs, and if so, may I sniff?

HCwDB of the Week: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia

It was a landslide for the confused metro fiasco that is Crosshair McJohnson and the tasty Latino Leia. Additional Crosshair cultural violations and Leia arm-hottness can be seen here and here.

After an excellent and hilarious comments thread, I’ll shut my yap and turn to the voters:

memphis doucheworkers local 421: crosshair. no contest. This thundercat taintdrip makes me want to unload a bucket of rescued orphan kittens into a wood chipper and shoot the remnants at the Make- a- Wish Foundation while listening to David Bowie’s Queen Bitch. And I don’t usually feel that way

Army of Doucheness: Crosshair McJonhson looks like he has actual potential (unlike Kettlehead) to be a star in 09. He’s the exact middle between the sullen Fish Slap and fun Bra.. So let’s get on with the ceremony… CMJ FTW.

Mr. White: For showing us what Scott Weiland would look like if he switched from heroin to steroids, I give it to Crosshair.

Anonymous 3:16: Crosshair in a landslide. While in lesser weeks the others may compete, Crosshair makes an immediate play for HoS with his multiple symptom, gender bending, rage inducing self. He is the epitome of everyhting we strive to correct. And by correct, I mean eradicate with nuclear weapons.

Douchimus Prime: Agreed with 3:16. Crosshair. His muscles are so big he has to strain to reach the exquisite Leia giving him a lap dance.

Anonymous: The Crosshair is all kinds of wrong, with his manscara, horrible t-shirts,frost pikes and douchetats, and an INCREDIBLY HOT HOTT. He needs to get his shit straight(ha ha) and decide which side of the barrier he stands on. Seeing a girl like this with a guy like that makes me wanna pop my eyes out with a spoon. Crosshair FTW.

Justin: Crosshair wins…he is the worst. Make-up, douche sneer, the hair, doggie-baggin’, stupid graphic tee…he’s gotta be a finalist in the 2009 douchies. Oh my God his hott is sooooo tasty

The Scroto Rooter Man: Crosshair tortures me. I don’t know what’ll be engrained in my head the most: the black fingernails, the hetescrote snarl, or the I ROC hand gesture in pics 1 and 3. Crosshair for the win. We the onlookers for the loss.

Dennis Bagger: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia form a classic hot chick/D-Bag union and this photo will likely be studied carefully by Sociologists 100 years from now when trying to understand cultural elements that led up to the collapse of 2010 and beyond.

TheReverendDoom: Crosshair McJohnson for win. He’s a disturbed, roid rage individual that makes me want to punch polar bear cubs while clubbing his hott for a night of anything goes…

Anonymous: Crosshair has the steriod-induced anger of The Gator. He should be flogged until his eyeliner runs down his face like Alice Cooper for being that angry while touching a hott of that magnitude.

Yup. I didn’t want to sway things, but it was obvious from their first appearance that this was a hottie/douchey pic to inspire poets to take vows of silence and arthritic Nuns to punch orphans.

Coming in a strong second, there was deeply felt self love for the angelic Lucy and mocking for her Fish Twins:

Eliza Doucheku: The Braza Bro’s. They are two wild and crazy guys.

douche, shower and shave: Two douches are better then one. The Fish and their greasey scales and guido gills for the win.

teh abominable snowdouche: My vote then is for the Tuna-Twins. Why? Unbuttoned shirt/blinding belt/douche-tag wearing twins do not deserve Lucy. They do not deserve to ever even witness her smile. I might never eat tuna again.

jonezy: I’d gladly sail from the shores of Ithaca, leaving my wife and son to suffer the advances of suitors in my absence for the chance to battle Cyclopses and Sirens in hopes I can return home to worship the god of Mammaries that brought us Lucy Braza.

And in Third, the 96 Wrongness of the Porkchop Hott and Rancid Meat Fungus:

Kennedy Smith: Rancid Meat Fungus FTW. The inverted 69 is too overwhelming. I’d also be interested to know why he’s got a Bob Ross painting of the Supreme Court on his wall.

Finally, lets turn it over to The Observation Specialist to bring us home:

I think Crosshair McJohnson should win.

And so he has. Chalk up the pumped up Jesus Tatts and Sexy Latina Leia with a slot in the monthly. They’ve earned it. And by earned it, I mean spew.

Hot Peeps with Peepbags

In a way premature honor of Easter, HCwDB reader Fidouchiary Responsibility submits the following hottie/douchey fresco, made up entirely with Peeps.

Excellent work, F.R.

The Peepdanas and Peep ‘Bling, the 10 Degree Peep Tilt on the hat on the Peepbag on the upper left, and the Boobie Hottie Suckle Peeps are all brilliantly designed.

Here’s a second pic.

Good work!

Jethro’s Swap

Okay that last pic, Jethro, was probably too fat on the hott side, and too generic on the douche side, to really fire up the Tuesday.  

Jethro's Swap

Okay that last pic, Jethro, was probably too fat on the hott side, and too generic on the douche side, to really fire up the Tuesday.