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Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Marty asks Michelle “Yo, whatsup? What’s Your Major?”
Marty is an Average White Pud. Douche hair and shirt, but his heart isn’t really in it.
Michelle just broke up with Shane. Shane was a stage 3 douche who looked like Mister Liptatt.
So, really, Marty’s kind of an improvement.
Together, they stand awkwardly, and ask each other where they are from.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010HCwDB of the Week: Mister Liptatt and Holly
With sneery ‘tude, stupid tatts and gangsta hand gestures, Mister Liptatt is classic Vegas pudwack. With perfect curves and taut, suckleable everythings, Holly makes the Archangel quit playing Parcheezi. Together, they are Weekly.
The voters speak:
Nancy Dreuche: Not since “The Mystery of 4-Prongs Prong” have I been so indecisive. All three are supremely douchy, all three make me want to cram my magnifying glass directly into my eye, and all three make we want to bat for the other team. But there can be only one, so my vote goes to Dipshit Lip-Tat and his Three-Ringed Missus.
Rigel: Liptatt is ultimate chode: he has neither the body (check saggy man titties) nor the grooming skills (check face fungus) to back up the cockiness that he exudes. Could he beat me up? Probably. But I’m also a 120 pound girl. And would have to be very, very drunk to be in the same room as him.
Baleen: When I saw the disgrace that is Liptatt somehow pulling HoH material, I annointed my balls in Sterno fuel and lit them on fire. So I thought, “hey, this fruitbag deserves a weekly.”
douchesquire: Mister Liptatt and Holly for the win. She looks to be about perfect, and I’ll cast aside thoughts that the sunglasses are hiding wonky eye or something similarly terrible. He just plain sucks on every level.
Deltus: knowing that a taint crumb like Liptatt is even allowed within 10 feet of such bodysuckle perfection sends me into a baby harp seal murdering rage. And not even for the pelts, I’ll just discard the carcasses off to the side. Don’t blame me, blame the dumbest neck tatt to ever adorn such an undeservedly lucky choadwank, and the hottest body to grace this website in a while. Stupid seal babies… *stabby stab stab*
Ol’ Dirty Douchebag: I make it a personal point of emphasis to vote for GSR but Pepperoni Nips and Holly are really what this site’s all about. Plus LipstickTatHole seems to have “Mind of Mencia” stenciled to his neck. WTF? Seriously, WTF?
Charles Ulysses Farley: Liptard and Holly FTW. The juxtaposition of her hottness and welcoming smile to his douche aura and arrogant smirk is the kind of thing that causes God to destroy cities and flood the earth to rid it of wickedness.
ehcuodouche: Ultimately, his moobs will be larger than Holly’s and she will not like the competition.
Guns-N-Douches: oh my Holly. The rings of delight that are your bikini bottom would sound just wonderful bouncing across my tile bathroom floor as they are discarded to make way for a game of Wesson Oil Twister. Lipshitz and Holly FTW.
Bag Margera: To see him infect such a beautiful girl with such beautifully sculpted chesticles, makes my eyes rot with bleach.
End the Haberdouchery: Holly’s body just gave me my first of many boners for the day. Tip of the cap to you my lady.
Medusa Oblongata: Dangit. I haven’t been this confused since I slid open the drawer of my nightstand at bedtime yesterday and had to choose between the Eager Beaver, the Pony Express or Thunderfist 5000. I’m gonna go with Mr. Lipptat, however, ’cause he’s clearly the biggest dildo in this drawer.
mr.reeve: Holly has the frame that makes dogs bark, cats meow and grown men wet their pants.
ElderDouch: I have to go with Mister Liptatt and Holly only because Holly is the hotest of them all in a kind of pumped up fake boobies sort of way.
douche bagel: joey orange came out swinging GSR like he invented it and wanted a patent. maybe signa woo phi sisters were impressed but not holly. lipster mctatt sneered in his general direction and flexed retarted peacock moob and holly grabbed the nearest shower curtain and put herself directly in the line of grease. joey backed off because its ladies night and he had to do more pushups
Nice showdown scenario, Mr. Bagel, and it was a convincing win/loss for society. Indeed, it was Holly’s dangerous curves that took the Liptatt over the top. A solid second place finish for the toxic orangicity of Joey the Orange and the Judith Sisters:
justadouchalo: Hots in cocktail dresses? Ass stain with his shirt off? Yup, Joey the Orange for the win. Why no one has slammed this colon polyp’s head in a car door ala Raging Bull only Allah the Beneficent and Merciful knows.
all bagged out: Joey the Orange makes me puke. Violently. And I hate puking. The GSR is embarrasing and mock-worthy.Now pull your pants up Joey, you silly assclown.
Douchey the Great: It’s Joey the Orange FTW. The video says it all. The Scrotometer was off the charts and with all the Bleeths licking the camera. After watching that I needed a shower and body scrub like in the movie Silkwood.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: His alias is Joey the Orange and he is the new Gommorah.
One for the Choad: Clarissa is a lovely slice of cheesecake, and Holly has the best bod (though a bit too far on the bleethy side), but the combination of girl next door hottness plus that obnoxious GSR gives Joey the Orange the win. Yuck.
theshadowhost: Joey Orange, because it’s hailing douchebags and no amount of quarters seems to make the problem go away.
Business-Casual Douche: Joey the Orange FTW, on the strength of that supplemental video alone. He’s a complete choad, but you gotta give the guy credit: It’s not even noon yet and I want to shoot myself.
Eliza Douchecoo Joey the Orange, just knowing this turd is out there makes me feel dead inside.
Joey the Orange makes all of us feel a little deader, E.D. Good call. And in third place but with a respectable showing, the Abercrombag and Clarissa’s Tautness:
boatbutter: Abercrombag already has the “D” tattoo. I say give it to him.
Mr. Scrotato Head: When he’s older he will regret getting the tramp stamp and look to have it removed. In response to the laser technician’s initial question Abercombag will cornfully spit “Of course the one on my groin. You think I’d want to lose the sweet one on my ass?! Pffft!”
Douche Springsteen: the Abercrombag’s “psscht, yeah bro, my shit’s hot” sneer is the most offensive visage of the three. Clarissa’s taut curves and the Abercrombag’s sense of entitlement for the weekly.
Nicely tagged, but this was the Liptatt’s innovative douchal maneuvers and perfect body curve’s week to shine. Lets let Taint Nuthin But A G-Thang take us hime:
Liptatt makes me want to take a bath in pure ethanol to cleanse me of any possible skin bacterial infections I’ve gotten just from looking at his picture. Holly is so hott, she has started a fire in my nether regions. Liptatt FTW all the way.
Chalk up a solid first contender coupling of classic vegas poo on a platter served up for our next Monthly. And now I eat Frosted Flakes.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010JaBooty
JaBooty wanted to take time out of proving his hip-hop bonafides to Carly and Kimmy at the Back to School party at Wellesley College to address all of us.
What did you want to say, JaBooty?
JaBooty: Y’all keep talkin’ smack, yo! Ya know, I mays not have any of that fancy stuff like a “college degree,” or “income,” or a “job,” or a fully functioning cerebral cortex. But I got somethin’ ways betts!
What’s that, JaBooty?
JaBooty: I gots inner peace! And a Tootsie pop for lates when I get hungry walkin’ home. Stupid bus fare increase.
Anything else you’d like to tell the readers of HCwDB, JaBooty?
JaBooty: Y’all ain’t got nothin’ on me! I’m like King Kong! King Kong ain’t got nothin’ on me! I saw that in a movie once.
Was it “Training Day”?
JaBooty: Naw, it was some porno. Hey, you got any potato chips?
Not right now.
JaBooty: I likes potato chips.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010Soxnard
Meh, I’m deleting Fester on account of too much potential gaybaggery and moving us on to Soxnard.
Soxnard’s lumpiness hitting on the quality purity of Shots Girl Sue reminds me.
Did I remember to grease the alpacas in time for their ritual scrotum shearing?
It’s a vague association. More thematic than literal. Because scrotum shearing alpacas is not gay. It’s theraputic.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010Ask DB1: Girlfriend Corruption
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DB1,
I realize I am late to the party, but I just discovered your website and I am impressed by your offhand wit and perpendicular rants.
I am a little disturbed because I think my girlfriend is trying to turn me into a douche. I didn’t realize it until I found your site, since I have lived a sheltered life these last few years (I don’t have a TV, I don’t go to bars any more, etc).
Here’s the evidence:
1. She is always trying to put “product” in my hair.
2. She bought me a huge metal watch for my birthday.
3. She bought me some D&G cologne.
4. She bought me giant snorkel-mask looking sunglasses that fade from top to bottom.
5. She has convinced me to shave my pubes
6. I work out and am pretty muscular, but I prefer to wear normal clothes and not show it off while she buys me T-shirts that are a couple sizes too small.
What should I do?
– Douche ex Machina
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There is one, and only one, solution when you discover you are dating a ‘Bagtress (she who is not ‘Baguette, but instead, encourages others to be ‘bag).
Tie her to a chair and force her to watch at least twelve to fourteen straight hours of 1980s and early 1990s John Woo, Clockwork Orange Ludavico style.
When she finally acknowledges that Chow Yun-Fat is a supreme badass, note that he does not display any signs of douchebaggery as part of his badassery.
At this point, she will either see the light. Or dump her, and move on.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010Vanilla Lice Buys a Boat
And discovers the power of boatbaggery to acquire a lineup of Lakepear.
Even his wacky sidekick, Jethro, is getting in on the action.
And by getting in on the action, I mean a part time shift at Bob’s Country Bunker. Where they got both kinds. Country, and western.
Mmm… polka pear. So firm. So confused and frustrated by the limitations of small town living.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010The Toronto Poo Jays
Not since the original Toronto Poo Jay have we seen such water foul hoserbags polluting the shores of the great white north.
What’s going on up there, eh?
The plague in Canada continues to spread.
Monday, September 20, 2010HCwDB After Dark
We haven’t had an HCwDB After Dark in awhile.
So come on in!!
Pull up one of my uvula shaped beanbag chairs. They’re over by the outdoor sauna. No, that’s the one for the African Tree Frogs.
The other one. Over there. Yeah, the one that smells like passionfruit and Ring Dings.
Help yourself to a Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry Soda. There’s one by the block of ice keeping the iguanas cool during rainy season.
Apologies for all the alpaca poo on the veranda.
Things haven’t been the same since Pepe quit in a labor dispute over residuals from his temp job huffing paint fumes for the scientists at the Tyrell Corporation.
Monday, September 20, 2010Vlad the Inhaler
For years, historians wondered.
What was the secret of Vlad’s potency with the finely peared ladies?
Was it Vlad’s patented “shirt over neck” maneuver?
Three inches of undies poke?
Ubiquitous Red Cup?
Or the power of douche face?
The answer: Licky Nip.
Monday, September 20, 2010The Sneery Bro Voted
One of the Sneery Bros and Tragic Boobtatted Katie wanted to stop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
Either that or they’re debating how hipstery chin fung will be for the Fall “Punk” Fashion Show.
Have you voted yet?
