Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Caption This photo! For Freedom.

DarkSock here, with your latest installment of “Caption This!     Me first…

“The unfortunate Darlene Symanski was the first to discover the battery leak issue with the Lady Godiva Discreet Humming Butterfly Insert™.”

Now your turn; click on the “comments” tab…or if you’re into the parallel universe thing, click on the photograph like a dumb-ass. The best caption will get…Freedom™.**

**Special Notice – Stay tuned for a very special “Friday Thoughts n’ Links – Abs Edition”!!!  Shout out to Vin “Gut-Shot” Diesel for the inspiration.

March Madness Madness with D. Wallnuts

The March Madness

So here we are again with the whole March Madness thing and it got me thinkin’ about the games we used to influence back in the day. And by “influence” I mean tellin them over-grown, shorts wearin Jamokes that they better do what we says, I says.

We had this guy Pokey Izzo who used to work back there in the training room at the Madison Garden an knew all a the players and knew who was hurt and who was a Hop Head and who had knocked up a dame and such, and he would pass it on to certain parties who knew what to do with such info. Capice?

So anyways, here’s some a my picks for this weekend. Since I don’t know when the Sock will post this here post, I’ll just give you some a my general bettin ideas.

And don’t go askin me about some a these conferences that have who knows who playin who knows where. Na mean? One time this local skel asked me to get down a bet for him on Alcorn State or some shit and so I caved in his mug with a can a scungilli.

The Big East.

Now the Big East ain’t the same Big East it was. Oh sure, some a them teams is the same but there’s a whole bunch a other teams and it’s not as exciting even though they’s still playing in the Garden.

If I was a bettin man, I’d throw some Clams on Xavier to win the whole thing.  In think Xavier is in Cincinatti, which is where that broad who was into the enemas was from. She took a Shrimp Scampi enema one day and had me give her what we used to call The Flesh Plunger. Madon, I held my breath until I busted my nut.

The ACC.

This is another one a them conferences that don’t have the same teams in it that it used to have. I’m not a big fan of the Duke with that coach wit a name I can’t pronounce that looks kinda like a rat.

There ain’t nothin special about pickin 2-1 favorites to win nothin so I like Pitt at 12-1.

If I have action, I want action. Any namby pamby half a Finnoch Chalk Eatin high roller wanna-be can bet on a 2-1 Goose, but if I’m fat with Scarole I want the payoff. Am I right when I say that?

The Big 12.

Kansas is +$220 but their center is gimpy and won’t be playin, so if I was you I’d put a Nickel on Oklahoma State at +$360 but if you was really like me and had the stones to boot you’d go with a Dime on Baylor at +$650.

I was in Waco, Texas once when I was the assistant road manager for Count Basie and his Orchestra and it felt like I was a pizza oven. It was so hot I didn’t even wanna get laid, even though I did.

The PAC 12.

I have a lot a fond memories a the days when John Wooden was at UCLA, and by fond memories I mean I made a ton a Cabbage bettin them. We’d get the Outlaw Line and get the jump on the rest a the average schnooks.

Hey, just because UCLA always won didn’t mean they always covered. We won a lot a bets goin with the Puppy back then.

So I’m likin them Oregon Ducks goin off at 9-2. Quack quack. You could hedge and go smaller with one a the favorites or take some individual games on the Hang Cheng if you don’t have the stomach for the big hit. Them Ducks have them crazy uniforms and I once banged a tattoo artist dame from Portland who loved Cutty on the rocks with an anchovy, or some effin’ thing.

Aright, that’s about it. And remember what my old pal Louie the Shin used to say, “One man’s chicken s another man’s Gumbo.”

March Madness Madness with D. Wallnuts

The March Madness

So here we are again with the whole March Madness thing and it got me thinkin’ about the games we used to influence back in the day. And by “influence” I mean tellin them over-grown, shorts wearin Jamokes that they better do what we says, I says.

We had this guy Pokey Izzo who used to work back there in the training room at the Madison Garden an knew all a the players and knew who was hurt and who was a Hop Head and who had knocked up a dame and such, and he would pass it on to certain parties who knew what to do with such info. Capice?

So anyways, here’s some a my picks for this weekend. Since I don’t know when the Sock will post this here post, I’ll just give you some a my general bettin ideas.

And don’t go askin me about some a these conferences that have who knows who playin who knows where. Na mean? One time this local skel asked me to get down a bet for him on Alcorn State or some shit and so I caved in his mug with a can a scungilli.

The Big East.

Now the Big East ain’t the same Big East it was. Oh sure, some a them teams is the same but there’s a whole bunch a other teams and it’s not as exciting even though they’s still playing in the Garden.

If I was a bettin man, I’d throw some Clams on Xavier to win the whole thing.  In think Xavier is in Cincinatti, which is where that broad who was into the enemas was from. She took a Shrimp Scampi enema one day and had me give her what we used to call The Flesh Plunger. Madon, I held my breath until I busted my nut.

The ACC.

This is another one a them conferences that don’t have the same teams in it that it used to have. I’m not a big fan of the Duke with that coach wit a name I can’t pronounce that looks kinda like a rat.

There ain’t nothin special about pickin 2-1 favorites to win nothin so I like Pitt at 12-1.

If I have action, I want action. Any namby pamby half a Finnoch Chalk Eatin high roller wanna-be can bet on a 2-1 Goose, but if I’m fat with Scarole I want the payoff. Am I right when I say that?

The Big 12.

Kansas is +$220 but their center is gimpy and won’t be playin, so if I was you I’d put a Nickel on Oklahoma State at +$360 but if you was really like me and had the stones to boot you’d go with a Dime on Baylor at +$650.

I was in Waco, Texas once when I was the assistant road manager for Count Basie and his Orchestra and it felt like I was a pizza oven. It was so hot I didn’t even wanna get laid, even though I did.

The PAC 12.

I have a lot a fond memories a the days when John Wooden was at UCLA, and by fond memories I mean I made a ton a Cabbage bettin them. We’d get the Outlaw Line and get the jump on the rest a the average schnooks.

Hey, just because UCLA always won didn’t mean they always covered. We won a lot a bets goin with the Puppy back then.

So I’m likin them Oregon Ducks goin off at 9-2. Quack quack. You could hedge and go smaller with one a the favorites or take some individual games on the Hang Cheng if you don’t have the stomach for the big hit. Them Ducks have them crazy uniforms and I once banged a tattoo artist dame from Portland who loved Cutty on the rocks with an anchovy, or some effin’ thing.

Aright, that’s about it. And remember what my old pal Louie the Shin used to say, “One man’s chicken s another man’s Gumbo.”

John Cougar (and) MelonBarf

Well now…This photograph pretty much captures the essence, the ” je ne sais quoi” if you will, of Hot Chicks with Douchebags, does it not? The very feely-feel of the site.

For this most wretched of weekdays – Monday – I propose we have a combination Haiku-Limerick ho-down. The best will be put on the front page, oh, say mid-week given the more stately pace of the site these days.

Posit your metered musings, as always, in the comments section.

John Cougar (and) MelonBarf

Well now…This photograph pretty much captures the essence, the ” je ne sais quoi” if you will, of Hot Chicks with Douchebags, does it not? The very feely-feel of the site.

For this most wretched of weekdays – Monday – I propose we have a combination Haiku-Limerick ho-down. The best will be put on the front page, oh, say mid-week given the more stately pace of the site these days.

Posit your metered musings, as always, in the comments section.

Friday Thoughts n' Links

DarkSock here, drivin’ and cryin’ with the wheel in hand of this mofo, well past the iceberg, cackling as the lifeboats burn. Son.

There’s no telling what DB1 has been doing in his down-time since he decided to put ‘er down.

Lord knows he rode that rocket as long as a body could.

It’s an understatement to say that over years he has show us things…we have all seen some things that cannot be unseen.

Bleethes of all shapes and sizes; sadly if DB1 has shown us anything it is that their beauty is skin-deep and simply does not last. It’s hard to put one’s finger in it. Err, on it.

But you didn’t time-travel all the way to the Year 2005 for pensive ruminations on ruminants, did’ja? No. Didn’t think so. *sigh*

Here’s yer Gratuitous Offering o’Pear that will surely keep the faithful coming (and returning, also):

Taut Pear. (Courtesy of Alert Renober D. Wallnuts)

Care-Bear-Down-There-Pear.

Beloved Hall-Of-Hot Fenny “LaPlante” Pear ***GLORY BE UNTO ALL***.

Post-Fenny Palette-Cleanse Jacques Memorial Disturbing Yet Mercifully Small Hodor Pear.

Holy Yoga Triangle renoB Pear.

One-Eyed Purple People-Eater Pear.

Tourniquet Pear.

Stare-Out-There-Peach-Fuzz-Pear.

Sorry-for-Tourniquet-Pear-So-Here-Is-Highly-Experimental-Frontal-Fuzzy-Pear-Son Pear.

Until next time, faithful Elite – as we say in the French Quarter – “J’ai fait pipi dans un cheval une fois!”

Friday Thoughts n' Links

DarkSock here, drivin’ and cryin’ with the wheel in hand of this mofo, well past the iceberg, cackling as the lifeboats burn. Son.

There’s no telling what DB1 has been doing in his down-time since he decided to put ‘er down.

Lord knows he rode that rocket as long as a body could.

It’s an understatement to say that over years he has show us things…we have all seen some things that cannot be unseen.

Bleethes of all shapes and sizes; sadly if DB1 has shown us anything it is that their beauty is skin-deep and simply does not last. It’s hard to put one’s finger in it. Err, on it.

But you didn’t time-travel all the way to the Year 2005 for pensive ruminations on ruminants, did’ja? No. Didn’t think so. *sigh*

Here’s yer Gratuitous Offering o’Pear that will surely keep the faithful coming (and returning, also):

Taut Pear. (Courtesy of Alert Renober D. Wallnuts)

Care-Bear-Down-There-Pear.

Beloved Hall-Of-Hot Fenny “LaPlante” Pear ***GLORY BE UNTO ALL***.

Post-Fenny Palette-Cleanse Jacques Memorial Disturbing Yet Mercifully Small Hodor Pear.

Holy Yoga Triangle renoB Pear.

One-Eyed Purple People-Eater Pear.

Tourniquet Pear.

Stare-Out-There-Peach-Fuzz-Pear.

Sorry-for-Tourniquet-Pear-So-Here-Is-Highly-Experimental-Frontal-Fuzzy-Pear-Son Pear.

Until next time, faithful Elite – as we say in the French Quarter – “J’ai fait pipi dans un cheval une fois!”

The Undersexed World of Jacques Doucheteau – Episode 4: The Sleeping Sharts of Miami

I work with some very strange people. I mean, we all do…but the folks I work with are REALLY effed up. I could write a new HBO comedy series based on my work life, but nobody would buy it due to it being “not believable”.

For starters, I work in a manufacturing plant, which by itself attracts plenty of lower class, underprivileged, low IQ, no-college, white trash, crackhead, maniac, weirdos already. Not to mention this plant is situated in one of the more “socially diverse” cities in Oregon, replete with a nice mix of urbanized hippies, rural rednecks, suburban meth moms, college-age pot heads and pseudo-bohemian hipsters all drawn together by their lack of education and incentive to do anything worthwhile with their life.

I have to deal with folks like Halona Crow Foot, who up until a few months ago was known as Frank. Originally a strange Native American man with an obsession for anything that shoots projectiles and kills living things, showed up one day wearing full make-up and Go-Go boots, insisting on being called by “her” new name. Management was already about to fire him…sorry, her…for falling asleep on the forklift…WHILE DRIVING…and causing an accident, but now is faced with the awkward position of firing a newly-converted transsexual. Not that they’re necessary afraid of a lawsuit, but they don’t want to be thought of a “unprogressive”. So they kept Halona on for as long as they could until he (she) got into another accident, failed the drug test, and they had to fire him (her) in order to keep their workman’s comp insurance. That didn’t stop her (him) from spending the next three weeks with a sign and sundress out front of the plant protesting the “discriminatory practices” of the company. We’re off a freeway, and NOBODY pays attention to a fat woman with a goatee protesting stupid crap. Well, that is until she showed up one day with an AR-15 over each shoulder yelling something about the 2nd Amendment and little bighorn. That’s when the cops were called.

Or there’s Keith, one of only three African Americans that works for a company of 250, and the only flaming gay man that we know of on site. He’s also a conservative Republican, which is of note because whenever politics comes up in a conversation it usually ends with him calling Obama a “purple lipped monkey bastard” and some rant about how we should kill all the poverty stricken and homeless. He still has a job, and is guaranteed one despite him testing the bounds of our anti-harassment policy by continually threatening some of the younger men on the staff with violent ass rape. Seriously, what is HR to do? Tell the NAACP that “yeah, we fired the one gay black man on staff because he’s always saying the ‘N’ word, calling Obama a ‘purple lipped monkey’, and threatening to rape all the new guys because of how much ‘fresh white ass’ turns him on.” No jury in the world would convict this guy.

Oh yeah, the picture above. Three guys all wearing board shorts, sporting Jesus bling (albeit only one of them), oversized sunglasses, lobster abs, overly manicured facial hair, and just general pumped up douchiness are an affront to civilized discourse and conduct. Big flippin’ deal.

However miss dark-haired Jenny gives a subdued grin and sublime belly pooch I would paddle most heartily with the stretched out skin from my last hemorrhoidal lesion. Most heartily says I. I would drag my tongue through a WWI-era trench of putrid corpses and mustard gas whilst perfectly enunciating every syllable singing “Five Fruit Flies Flew” at 256 BPM for the oft chance to get the skin on my derriere scorched off with a lighter and can of WD-40 produced in China by a 23-year-old woman with pancreatic cancer who watched 15 seconds of the same makeup tips Youtube clip that Jenny saw back in 2010 and has since forgotten about completely. Damn gurl.

Your New King is Remiss in his Duties

I bequeath Lord Darksock this small slice of the space-time continuum and he abandons/shirks his duties with only one update?

For shame, horse peer.

For shame.

Bonus Haiku Round: Smells like spleen spirit

What is going through

Club Hottie’s mind right now, folks?

Share, using Haiku!

*****

“Dear Lord!”, thought Darlene,

His breath smells like Chris Farley

Farted through a carp…