Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Revere Flea Market

Ah, Revere.

How little I actually knew about you while growing up in Brookline.

Well, I knew enough not to visit you.

Or date your women.

Or drive through you.

And yet, all these years later, I miss you too, Revere. Especially after Boston Sportspocalypse Week last week.

Wallnuts After Dark : Madonna Mia! That Madonna Is One Classy Dame

I been watchin’ a lot a the TV lately as my Lumbago has been actin’ up somethin’ fierce for some reason or another.

I think it might a been that crate a Cuban cigars I hadda pick up last month when it was delivered. And by delivered I mean taken at gun point from a cargo plane that was smugglin’ them in for some a them guys from Jamaica. And by Jamaica I don’t mean Queens, but some a them Schwartzers that have the long hair that looks like something my blind Aunt Lucille used to knit. Anyways…

I’m switchin’ around the channels and I come to a concert with that Madonna broad. Que Bella! That’s my kinda classy dame.

I wish I remembered the friggin’ channel it was on, but these days we got more channels than there are places where Jimmy Hoffa was supposed ta be buried. I can’t find me the TV Guide magazine anymore and the guide on the TV is too confusin’ wit all a the colors and channel abbreviations. And don’t get me started on the friggin’ remote control. Madon!

So this Madonna chick is dressed in these tight, black plastic or leather or whatever the Fucc kind a material these song and dance broads is wearin’ these days, and a tight shirt that was just tight enough, and I was mesmerized. And it was sexy tight not that kind a tight where you could see her Cooch and her Charley’s and the whole lunch. The Whole Lunch, I says.

I turned the sound down cuz Mrs Wallnuts was sleepin’ on the couch an I didn’t want her wakin’ up and spoilin’ the fun, if you know what I mean. So after I rubbed out a good one I got to thinkin’ a the time Grace Kelly was on the set whilst filmin’ High Society wit Frank and Bing when she was the classiest piece of ass in the world.

Sure she wound up givin’ Frank The bizness in one a the storage closets on the back lot wit me, Dean, Normy Fell and Buddy Lester watchin’ trew some Peep Holes, but Kelly was such a swank dame she could get away wit it. Now sure she didn’t go around grabbin’ her crotch like Madonna still does at the age a 55, but come to think a it, I ain’t never seen no dame grab their own crotch, not even that Domenica Somethin-or-other who used to hang around Nathan’s in Coney Island and blow everyone back in the day.

Back to Madonna. I remember her when she was a kid on the MTV and now she’s an old lady. But I gotta admit they ain’t any 55-year old broads I seen that look as good as she looks, even though she’s had some of that cosmic surgery that messed up her face a little. Hey, it’s her life, right, an if she wants to try an look as young as possible for as long as possible, who is we to knock her down? Am I right when I say that?

Plus, we all know we’d bang her if we had the chance. All I’m sayin, a classy dame is a classy dame. A classy dame, I says.

No Thoughts and No Links

Mobile Home Dave and Trashy Sophia.

Still living the rock star dream. On credit cards.

Hard at work on some new stuff that could be cool. Or it could not be cool. Or it could be cool as ice.

But anyways, I gots no links. Do not judge. For alpaca fondle won’t pay for itself.

So instead of links I leave you with the words of the great Vin Douchal, who wrote this poetic soliloquy on the dead end nature of thug life in the Pukeface McAsshole McSucksalot McIHatethisguy thread:

———–

This tool is that friend of your’s friend’s cousin that shows up with them on a chill Saturday when you’re looking to spend a few hours watching the NCAA Tourney or a football game or the like, hanging out with no big plans.

At some point you pull your friend aside and say, “I’m gonna take a leak. When I get out that dude’s gonna be gone, okay?”

———–

Brilliance.

Oh, and buy some stuff to support the site.

And, of course, have some Red Pear.

Friday Haiku

Much like Spidey here,

This girl makes me want to shoot

Long white sticky ropes.

Love that tummy bulge

But Spidey has already

laid his eggs within

— FredN.

This is what happens

When radioactive douche

Bites normal spider

— DoucheyWallnuts

She lost her forearms

since the gyroscope was put

In her Monkey Hole

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Venom was never

the smartest supervillain.

Bottoms at cleaners.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

Brothabag Alonzo Discovers The Holy Cantalopes

There’s only one way to celebrate the discovery of The Holy Cantalopes.

By donning a white walker headdress and cooing “Yeu no knothing Jon Snow” into the mirror until long after you cancelled HBO because the other shows all suck until Curb comes back.

Neckkerchiefs

Still out there.

Still keeping backpacking Thai Partyboyz’s necks warm during the late night hours.

And I see you, Shenn-Chi.  Gogo socks and bird braids will put the final dagger in the heart of your relationship with your uncomprehending old-world father, Bak-Lo, who grumbled sternly at your mother behind closed doors and never talked to you during family dinner time.

Your Thursday Crusty Vegas Pic

Yup.

It’s the return of Mobile Home Dave, the introduction of Trashy Sophia, and yet more evidence that the eternally Working-it Hello Kitty Hott is the hardest working shots girl on the Vegas strip.

Together, they represent the worst of that Pirates of the Caribbean horseship with a rock and roll grunge tip.

Max Drives Through Plutonium

Isn’t it fitting that it would end here. In a club on Douchebag Boulevard.

Annie had a plate of mashed yeast infection.

Yeah, I’m making 70s Woody Allen references. Got a problem with it? Because I like to stay current with the kids. Uhm… Skrillex shaves his head!! Ah, screw it. Back to antiquarium for me.

Breaking: Anorexic Justin Bieber Drives Fancy Car, Wears Spandex and Pink Shoes

It’s likea butch new wave hot chick from the early 1980s mated with the Pillsbury Dough Boy and squatted out an albino ass turd.

Still, it’s rare we find the HCwDB combo compressed into a singular corporeal form. And even rarer that it looks like a hiphop pelican.

Pukeface McAsshole McSucksalot McIhatethisguy

Even the Bleethy Ed Hardy wearing barely legal Bleethette cannot mitigate my contempt for Pukeface McAsshole McSucksalot McIhatethisguy.

For his is the mediocrity of which nugat draws its strength from.

And yes, I know what you’re thinking. Nugat is delicious.

It is.

But nugat is still just mass produced generi-toffee. And while it gives both Twix and Snickers its bursts of joy, it still draws from a well of assembly line suckage. And so the analogy stands, even if Nugat is delicious.

That’s my argument and I’m sticking to it.