Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Year: The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott

The Metaphysical Hooligan may not be the most uniquely outrageous scrotewank we’ve featured this year. Carly Hott may not be the hottest hott. But together, they form uber-poo.

And by uber-poo, I mean the subjective mirror stage of hottie/douchey commingling that reflects all of our societal traumas back upon us.

Witness pics two and three. While Droopy and Surfer Kelly made the more outrageous singularity, Hooligan and Carly formed the most toxic HCwDB of the year.

In fact I plan to name my new fusion, ska, trip-hop, reggae, punk, Swedish-death-metal, jazz, kletzmer band The Metaphysical Hooligans. We’ll be playing the local hockey rink with the influential 70s funk-Christian thrash band, I Killed a Hobo.

And besides, check out that nip ring. The Hooligan is ur-choad. And Carly Hott, in pics two and three, confirms a delightful, if artificially enhanced, innocent sweetness of boobie bouncing cacophony.

There may be controversy. Fans of Droopy made a strong case. But a winner had to emerge. And like Joey Porsche before him, The Metaphysical Hooligan has claimed the hottie/douchey crown and head-shaven immortality.

Here’s a recap of your 2008 Douchie Award Winners:

Hottest Hott of the Year: Quartasian Mia Sara Hott from “Deathtongue”
Purest State of Douche-Zen: Samurai Scrote
Biggest Transformation from Douche to Kinda-Sorta Not So Bad: Bra!!
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year: Criss Angel and Assorted Hotts
Douchiest TV Show of 2008: Sunset Tan
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Fish Slap
Best Golden Globes: The Hourglass from “The Beachbag and the Hour Glass”
Most Annoying ‘Baglings: Mo’ Cheeks
Most Expensive First Date Hott: Hamster Hott
Most Likely to be a Part of the Guggenheim’s Permanent Collection in 2023: Still Life with Coors Light
Orangest Orange: Millennium ‘Bag
Sexiest Librarian Glasses: Pink Popp
“The Yellowtail” aka The Oldbag: Master Blaster
Douchiest Video of the Year: B4-4’s “Get Down”
Hottest ‘Girl Next Door’ Hott: Halo Angel
Most Innovative New Douche Maneuver:Mouth-Shirt Ab Reveal
Best Ass Pear: Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You
Douchiest Tattoo + Facial Hair Combo: Dog
Douchiest Collective Scrotacalypse: God’s Sneeze
Douchiest Human Suppository: X-Lax
Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Fung
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: DNA Dan
Most Deserving of a Trashcan to the Head: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
Douchiest Facebook Entry: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
Sweetest Smile: Sue-Ellen from “Sue-Ellen’s Shiny Tool”
Douchiest MySpace Entry:Brothabag Leon
Douchiest New Accessory: The Wristdanna
Smells Like Poo: O-Prune
Douchiest Facial Hair: The Blowfish
The Ricky aka Douchiest Everybag: Pippy
Douchiest Fist of Power: Fist of Power
Douchiest Hair: Wheatstalks

2008 DOUCHIE TECHNICAL AWARDS:

‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads): DarkSock and Baron Von Goolo (tie)
‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Submissions): ‘Bag Lanta
‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads): Medusa Oblongata and IdahoHottPotato (tie)
‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Submissions): Amanda (for the five part Doucheclowns in the Shower series in November)
Best Fan Video: “Shortboat’s Cruel Summer” by Adolf Skroatler von Baggenstein
Best HCwDB Anthem: “Douchebags” by FogLizard
HCwDB Thread Mascot of the Year: Pfah and plinky (tie)

In future HCwDB news, I will be commencing a Hall of Hott, with an initial inductee class of all 2007 and 2008 Douchie Winners for Hottness, as well as ten more, to be voted on by a panel of regulars. If you would like to be on the panel and have contributed in the threads regularly, nominate yourself.

Thanks to everyone for another great Douchies. Couldn’t have done it without the brilliant and hilarious comments that everyone contributes in the voting.

Your humble narrator is in New York for the holidays. It has just started snowing. The boobie hottie suckle thighs are covered in down coats and scarves. But I can still see them. And their scrote-choad boyfriends.

Whom I will continue to mock for the forseeable future.