Barbaggery
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Thursday, February 20, 2014
Old Bro Clyde Refuses to Give Up the Dream
Ski Ulrich watches disapprovingly from the vidscreen. This shall not abide.
All men approaching middle age must give up the dream and get married. So it was told to me and so it was told to the prophet Ezekiel uponst whose bread was buttered the joy of diaper change.
Bar Hott Jenny has never known insecurity. As far as you know.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013"Game of Barstools"
Tyrious Asswankius and Khaleesi Sluttius play the game that sweeping the nation, Game of Barstools ™!
Now you and your friends can reenact important plot points from the hit TV show!
Like when that guy who’s related to that other guy kills that person who you vaguely remember from season one who you think had something to do with that other kingdom which rebelled from some power structure, but you’re not sure which, that may or may not be related to the backstory about a previous king we’ve never seen but keep hearing about, who may be the father of an illegitimate heir who married a witch who conjured a demon that slayed another dude who may have secretly married a princess who wasn’t the actual princess but is somehow tied to another kingdom which you know is distinct because it’s very gold there and the people are skinny and bald and they once killed a journeyman who may be a prince who spoke cryptically about a sister who married a footsoldier who was once a king who read a prophesy about a missing child who once dreamed of a crow that flew into a zombie that turned out to be the illegitimate child of the footman at Downton Abbey.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013Tom Cooze and Kelly McBoobis Star in "Top Goon"
These porn parodies just get weirder and weirder.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013Nice Guy Wong Taylor Swifts a Bunny Hott
Because she, uhm, looks like Taylor Swift.
Got nuthin’.
Enjoyin’ a tasty bowl of Trader Joes oatmeal with raisins.
How you doin’?
Thursday, April 11, 2013Somewhere in a Bar in Tallahasee, Florida…
… Kevin enacts a Bukowski fever dream without the fever, the dream, the wit, the creativity, the introspection, the literary tradition, nor any form of poetic decantur.
But, as a substitute for cruelty tinged introspection that resonances of the spiritual crisis of life, hey, Jager shots.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013When Hot Chicks Become Groupies for Going-Nowhere Bar Bands Named "Crack Attack"…
Necktatts grow like chin fung.
And the Baby Jebus cries for boobies beyond suckle hope in the realm of the Bleeth.
Friday, February 22, 2013Friday Haiku
That little Dutch boy
Is never around when a
Dike needs to be plugged…
Douche birth ritual
doc holds mom over dance floor
where baby conceived.
— Douche Wayne
Looking for kicks. Girls
Invent new internet meme.
It’s called “Harlem Sharts”
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Ducklips throws peace sign
On Jersey Girls night out
Regret, shame to follow
— Et Tu Douche?
Ironically, her
hand placement is a pointless
act of modesty.
— Charles Douchewin
“Don’t bother” said Kim
The web is already full
of pics of my vag
— Magnum Douche P. I.
When she moves her hand
out slides a forty-two ounce
Louisville Slugger
— hermit
Showing off their catch
Like they do on Whaling Ships
She’ll soon be mounted
— Bag em, Tag em
Thursday, February 21, 2013Cole Howitzer Stores Stuff on His Arm
The drink suckle purity of Next-Door Katie offers sweet spackle sunshines. I would do her Econ 101 homework dressed only in a Mumu and furry slippers in the hopes that she’d let me finish her half-drunken Diet Coke.
Diet Coke should never get drunken.
Nor should the DB1 eat too many snack cake treats before lunch.
Monday, February 11, 2013Welcome Back, Bitches!
Another week of the mock here at HCwDB!!
Sure this website’s an archaic relic of the pre-app pre-feed days of god darnit actual blogs with unique names and destinations. Back when the internet at least vaguely resembled a digital simulacrum of spatial certainty.
But HCwDB carries on like ole’ Clint. Shoutin’ at chairs and strangely befuddled by working faucets.
We’se still got the hotties with the purple hairs all up innit.
And douchewanks with stupid shirts.
And never the twain shall exchange DNA without collective ridicule.
May your Monday morning be snow-free and filled with tasty snack treats.
For the work week is uponst. So get yer lazy ass in gear. This world won’t consume itself.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012Somewhere in a Human Zoo on Tralfamador…
The Tralfamadorians blink their eye and stare with a marked lack of comprehension .
