Beachbaggery
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Monday, January 13, 2014
Creepy Kal Hangs Loose Behind Jennifer
HCwDB hired an expert linguistic trained in ancient Aramaic to translate Creepy Kal’s disturbing under-breast tattoo.
Here are the results of our scholar’s diligent efforts:
When dawn turns to dusk during rainy season, and frogs poop Flav-o-ice like so many porcupine twills, only then will the poultry be fondled.
Historians and scholars will spend many a journal article debating the meaning of this enigmatic archival work.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013The Greasepitzer and Eve Find Love in a Country Music Song
Waves are crashin’ on the seashore…
I stand around and rub my pee sore …
How all this time I was rehashin’…
The joys of love, the pains of groin rashin’…
And so I flex these pecs and pat tatts!!…
To honor the purity of her glute matts…
For life’s a game of getting paid to pose…
At weddings, Bar Mitvahs, and numerous trade shows in the greater Chicago area…
— “My Lonely Heart Is a Hot Chick and a Douchebag” by Garth Pitz
Tuesday, June 4, 2013Venus DeNecktattio
Hang Loose, Venus Denecktattio!!! Broski!!
Life is but a giant wave of pleasure and an endless summer of keggers and sunets, and no need to ever worry about dental insurance, I promise brah!!!
Cindy slums it, but her endless summer ends on Monday morning at 9am when she’ll be back at work at the temp agency and hunting for the waspy businesman with the white BMW, ideally named Chad or Kal, but Cindy’s not picky on names, and while he’ll have a mild case of alcoholism and a major case of emotional repression because he was bottle fed, Cindy will make do. Boobies.
Thursday, February 21, 2013Muggles The Wank Bothers Penelope
My Kingdom and a Horse to anyone who can explain how that Holy Sand Trail formed on Penelope’s nethers.
Best theory wins a free Schrodinger Cat Kewpie Doll. Which may or may not arrive.
Thursday, November 15, 2012The Virtues of Shelfishness
Yeah. Got nothin’.
Runnin’ low on pics here in the ole’ HCwDB homestead.
Might have to start doing some work around here.
Either that, or you get a steady diet of Mongor and Benzino pics.
Your choice.
Send in some premium mock, or the Twinkie gets it.
Wait, too late.
Monday, August 20, 2012The Surferbag learns a valuable lesson in sunscreen
Douchetatts are 0 SPF.
Bonnie is a perky and bubbly Omaha 10. There is a reason not too many people live in Omaha. It involves potato chips.
Monday, January 9, 2012Johnny Bro Tans Ashley Pear
Johnny Bro got the moves like Jagger.
Marty Jagger. An 84 year old retired mailman living in Sherman, Ohio.
Ashley Pear offers curves of sweet nectar juices of orgiastic pre-Christian God phantasms. Her upper thigh area plays harmonic lute symphonies in the key of D minor. The saddest key.
Thursday, November 17, 2011“Candy Stripe Nurses at Douche Beach”
In a just and virtuous world, the title of this post would actually be a real movie, produced by Roger Corman and directed by Ron Howard, from 1977.
Alas, I’ll have to satisfy my desire with the trailer for Eat My Dust.
Thursday, October 6, 2011The Artful Doucher
The purity of premium boobie hottie suckle thigh offered by the Pillowfight Triplets is powerful enough to corrode and corrupt rust belts and arteries.
That is all.
Oh, and The Artful Doucher needs this t-shirt, truth-in-advertising style.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011Beachclowns Discover The Pear
Next up: Beachclowns discover The Boobs.
It’s like a Summer ‘Bagling How-To Guide that mediates between discovering puberty and buying stupid hats.
Thankfully, they’ve pre-coded their backs with I.D. tattoos, so assimilation can proceed more effectively when Soylent Green production ramps up in the Fall.
