Suburbia
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Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Mr. Pigeon Poop
This man is pigeon poop.
I have no analogies, similes, metaphors, or euphemisms to describe Suburban Tatt Seth Myers other than pigeon poop.
Kimberly deserves to not date pigeon poop.
I’m not sure how I know this. I don’t know Kimberly. But within the parameters of base assumptions, I’m going to presume she deserves better than Mr. Pigeon Poop simply due to the merits of her relatively Bleeth-free signifiers, shoulder tatt or not .
In a related story, while researching this post, I discovered that feral pigeons eat meat.
Watch out, Nice Malaysian Boychild!
Hitchcock.
Coffee.
Monday, December 2, 2013Meanwhile in Bay Ridge…
Vinnie gotta dance, yo!
Angie’s like, okay I guess. But in a few.
But Vinnie’s like, c’mon!
So Angie’s like, yeah, I s’pose.
But then Vinnie’s like, wait, I gots to apply my eyeliner first!
And Angie’s like, that’s so queeyah.
And Vinnie’s like, no it’s not, it’s super!
And they danced. Like a wave on the ocean scrote-mance. Like two pudwacks in love, and they danced.
And… scene.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013Miserable Hal
You might think partying with sexy cuddle blondes on a Tuesday would inspire at least some human emotion in a sentient human being.
A smile.
A glimmer of recognition of the conscious state of living.
You’d be wrong.
Miserable Hal don’t play conscious states of emotional inner life.
Miserable Hal got no time for that. No matter how many hotties are provided. To paraphrase Zeppelin, the thong remains the same.
Thursday, July 11, 2013The Psychology of the "Selfie"
Australia’s “The Age” has a take on the impact of the “selfie” written by an eleven year old girl (!). Well worth a read.
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Dark undercurrents of teenage girls’ selfies
If social media only caused narcissism, it wouldn’t be the worst thing. Instagram and Facebook are social networks that not only breed narcissistic tendencies but transform relations into a sexual rat race.
On these ubiquitous portals, the popularity of girls is hotly contested over one big deal: how sexy can I appear and bring it off with everyone’s admiration?
That’s the reason we see mirror shots, pouting self-portraits of teenagers (typically female) and sexually suggestively posed girls in a mini-dress ”before a party last night”. They’re showing how much they like themselves and hoping that you’ll hit ”like” to reinforce the claim.
This isn’t just an interest in vanity but vainglory, being high up on a scale of ”likes” . There isn’t anything inherently wrong with uploading self-portraits. Everyone likes receiving compliments and it makes us feel awesome that our own appearance can provide us with an ego boost. But what kind of photos produce an epidemic of ”likes?” Nothing with too much creativity but hip, titty and kiss. It’s the true scourge of the selfie.
Why are we girls competing to be the Queen of Pouts? Why do we scour through photos of celebrities and all our ambitious friends to find out who is the new princess of prurient poses? Even demure girls are tempted to strike sexually suggestive poses. But they must be careful, not because parents are looking but because they might not score any ”likes” and might then feel a failure, unworthy among their peers.
How confident can you appear at being lascivious? How credible is your air of lewdness? A girl who is just a try-hard will lose credibility and become an outcast. So a lot depends on how much support you can get from other girls.
Girls zealously scroll down their Instagram or Facebook feeds. In Instagram, they might cleverly hashtag the most popular tags, such as #me, #selfie, #instacute to get an influx of ”likes” while they are on the most-recently tagged photos, then delete all the tags as though nothing’s happened.
They’re manipulating their image into popularity. Girls spray their ”likes”. They comment: ”Wow, you’re a model”; ”Oh my god you babe”; ”F–k you’re hot”; ”You’re perfect”; ”Best body”. Occasionally it’s genuine and supportive but it can also be very calculating.
Girls fake flattery to get higher on the food chain. In my mind a comment such as, ”Oh my god, you’re so beautiful!” really means: she has to ”like” and comment on my photo! Then behind her back: ”What the f—! She is such a slut … I heard she hooked up with heaps of guys and got really drunk at a party and in every photo she poses with her tits out and a push-up bra.”
It’s tense because it’s duplicitous. We’re faking it, so that we get to be among the most popular, get to be ”liked” by the most popular and thereby gain popularity.
Seeing some of these images can feel too intimate. It’s almost as though we’re peering through a window. Some photos may be of girls showing skin, or girls lying on a bed. Just about all are seeking some sort of approval from their friends. The aim is not to communicate joy but to score a position.
It’s a neurotic impulse, not a happy one. I’m anxious that girls are higher up on the ladder than I am: boys are looking at her, not me. I have to look like her to be worthy of boys’ attention. Boys’ tastes are not always sophisticated. The aesthetic yardstick is what they see in pornography. So girls have to conform to what boys see in pornography. And then girls post photos to ”out-hot” the other girls by porn star criteria.
Who do we blame for this moral mess? As feminists, we correctly blame patriarchy because boys are securely at the top of the status game. Boys end up with the authority. They have their cake and eat it.
From the moral high ground, they can damn a girl for visual promiscuity, yet enjoy the spectacle at the same time, both with the same misogynistic motives: I like your form but I’m able to scorn you. You’re what I want but you’re less than me. Girls try to conform to this ”ideal” stereotype in their photos and these boys sarcastically comment, ”Nice personality” – really implying that the cleavage is their only attribute. Yet they also click the ”like” button. The boy who mocks a girl showing her cleavage is in fact the same boy who craves sexual opportunities with her.
A common adult reaction to social media is to restrict things, as if that could ever be possible. You can’t force kids to be nice. The real problem isn’t something tangible like sexting or bullying, which adults focus on in patronising and unimaginative ways. The real problem relates to conformity. Kids are compelled to act the stereotype, because those who opt out commit themselves to social leprosy. Social media doesn’t need adult control. What we need is some good taste.
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And lets not forget about the Bro side of the equation either.
EDIT: Pic is the famously obnoxious selfie of Mylie Cyrus, not the author of the piece.
EDIT #2: Whoops, make that a seventeen year old girl who is “year 11” in school. Weird Aussies. Props for the correction go to FredN. in the comments thread.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013When Suburbia Tries to Get Wild on a Saturday Night
Lemme guess, you guys went extra wild and ate at Chilis instead of Flingers?
Not that I ever discourage the dressing up of hott into slut-wear via some socially codified ritual of performative masquerade. For, as Mikael Bakhtin famously argued in the 1920s, carnival is where social power is reclaimed through caricature and exaggeration.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013Pee Wee Baz Luhrmann
I’d Gatsby her Greats…
I’d Moulin her Rouges…
I’d Romeo and Juliet her Baz Luhrmann’s… wait, that doesn’t work.
I’d Australia.
Ah, screw it. Battleship is on HBO.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013Scrattle Bob and Sophia Enjoy a Douchey Sunset
And the baby Tebus shat in a diaper.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012Somewhere in Suburbia…
… nothing of consequence happens.
Thursday, October 4, 2012Tri-Vag Facial Pubes
Still out there.
Now in suburbia size.
Monday, September 17, 2012A Typical Late Afternoon in Western Long Island
Just as Toqueville warned, or maybe it was Chris Rock, when unnurtured by the pollen of inspiration, the American spirit regresses into hot dogs, apathy, and rectal itch.
