Failed Fathers of History
-
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
The Coronabag
If Covid took douche-human form, it would be this guy. And we would all become the hot chicks.
Ponder that metadouchical conundrum in this our time of Netflixian, Postmatesian, Grubhubian exile.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015The Manicorn
So Man buns are now a thing.
One that cannot, nay, must not stand. Not with hair band. Nor clip.
Whether appearing on quasi-celebrities or just in classic douchepose selfies, we are witnessing the spread of an insidious follicular blight.
For this douche ooze bridges the generations. An amalgam of hippie nostalgia, metrosexual choadery, and the emergent lumbersexual gender crossing vortex of confusion to produce a giant circular Princess Leia hairpoo.
Lo, the moment is bleak. Enough to make me break my self-imposed HCwDB silence. Not even spiritual appeal to OatesStache can cure my disquiet.
I dub these festions of toxic rot ‘Manicorns.’ For mock is our only hope. It may not stop the onslaught of next-wave ‘Baggery. But it can at least mitigate the cultural reprehension.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014Spray-Z Shows Undies, Cuddles Jenny, Punches Vishnu in the Groin
By the wings of a shoulder tatt, I will urinate on home plate for this sin against Vishnu.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013Bottle Spray as Phallic Substitute
One of the most bemusing of the rituals of douche culture is the overt sexual sublimation taking place when the alpha male of a given rave/party decides to suddenly spray champagne fluid on all those hot chicks around him.
Like the marking of territory among bonobo chimpanzees, this ritual celebratory spraying of fluid is simply semantic semen, a Dionysian display of performative coitus by the king douche meant to communicate fertility and viability to the larger tribe.
When understood anthropologically, the ritual ceases to symbolize a celebratory moment and becomes very, very silly.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013Che Douchevarra, aka Mickey Mau5, Wears a Tie
HCwDB’s own vortex of suck, Che Douchevarra, aka Mickey Mau5, is on to bigger and better things.
Dropping that youthful Marxist idealism to enter the corporate world.
And by corporate world, Che Douchevarra is now the stockboy at a local Hooters. Where he, in the parlance of the kids, makes the proverbial mad Benjamins.
Voluptuous Judy, while quite attractive in a unique sort of way, looks a little too uncannily like a young Malcolm McDowell. But what the hey, I always loved A Clockwork Orange. So I’ll give her thigh an ostrich feather poke, and then repose with a nice Chianti.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013Cesspool Matt Says "Whatsup Brah?" in a forced Baritone
Okay I feel bad for making fun of 8bit Tux Guy. He probably deserves a nottadouche and a nicejobkid for scoring Chiquita Maria.
So instead, here’s Cesspool Matt. A heaping choad of scrotal rice if there ever was one.
Cesspool Matt’s busting what is indubitably the douchiest trend of 2013: The Neckerchief Tatt.
All to impress sexy Korean girls-next-door Mira and Trish. Who just want to party like that Wiz Khalifa youtube clip that totally rocked senior year.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013Guy Who Makes Puking Faces for Pictures Guy
While we celebrate some collective mock for Guy Who Makes Puking Faces for Pictures Guy (and everyone knows one), I’mma mull putting the purity suckle quality booble fondle of Cuddle Perfect Suckle Lisa in the hallowed Hall of Hott.
Yet more evidence: Cuddle Perfect Suckle Lisa’s HCwDB cohabit with Beachbag Dave.
Not that Milfy Mom Carol ain’t worth not shaking a stick at. Even with her Androgynous Bestie, Burning Sophie.
No idea what I’m saying. Coffee time.
Monday, August 12, 2013Failed Fathers of History
I’d argue that Mr. Connors of Whebley Drive, Virginia, father of Shyana Connors (pictured here cohabiting with Turd Von Queef), deserves entrance into the Hall.
Perhaps, as a new father, the tenor of my mock hath changed. For my BC1 is like the daughter I never had. Except she’s now the daughter I did have if the daughter I did have were exactly like a hypothetical daughter I never had.
Tautology. Like ironic. On your wedding day.
Now back to pooland for your humb narrs…
