Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ask DB1: Halloween = Autodouche?

——-
Dear DB1,

Sincerely Yours,
Backed-up in Bloomington
——-

In regards to your first query, BuiB, absolutely not. Adults dressing up for Halloween is not douchey on any level, provided the costumes are in the spirit of fun and festivity, and not an excuse to act douchey by other means (see Chaz Osborne’s caveman costume in “Back To School”).

Also, the chance to see boobie hottie suckle thighs dressed as nurses, kittens, and French maids is nothing to scoff at. Ever.

In regards to the second query, I might suggest a tablespoon full of linseed oil every morning before breakfast. Also, avoid eating too much bread and apples.

Happy Halloween!

The Poopaloompa is a Halloweeny

HCwDB legend and Closet of Poo quarantine victim, The Poopaloompa is still out there.

Still dressing like Adam Lambert for Halloween. On New Years.

Sista Tonya ain’t havin’ none of it. Mmm mmm. Or those two skinny white chicks.

HCwDB of the Week: Frego The Herplicker and Irene the Tongue

At first I was gonna give it to either Mr. Wingtatt and Asian Melony or Onychomycosis, both featuring tremendous A-List Hottness as part of “Boobs Week.”

And Boobs Week was indeed glorious.

Even via iPhone Douche Bathroom Self-Portrait.

But this pic of creepy Herpsterism and sexy tongue stayed with me like a taint rash made of festering itchy boil all through my glorious NYC weekend.

And we must always find dialectic between sexy hottness and douchey rankness in interrelated entangled cohabit.

And that be this.

Chalk up Frego The Herpster and Irene The Tongue for the final Monthly of 2011.

And props to ‘Bag Huntress Extraordinaire Medusa Oblongata for mocking up our official 2011 Douchie Award Trophy. And by mocking, I mean breakfast cereal.

Gino the Ginny: A More Innocent Time

A pre Jersey Shore classic reminds us of innocent days of douchebags long passed.

And by long passed, I mean dancing on the street for tips outside a Snack n’ Shack off I-95.

The 2011 Douchie Awards Begin December 5th

Prepare.

That is right.

Prepare.

For the 2011 Douchie Awards, an orgy of excess in exegetic organics will take place.

Your role, should you accept it. Vote on the HCwDB of the Year. Vote in other select categories. Enjoy the awards I hand out arbitrarily because I’m too lazy to hold a bunch of votes.

If you’re a regular, now’s your time to participate. Pick one of the categories and you can decide who wins the award, and who the runners up are. Just call it in the comments thread which 2011 Douchie Award you’d like to give out, then go through the past year and find the winner. Then email me your winner with your writeup (2-3 paragraphs) on why the award was given plus the top 3-5 runners up, so I can include them. All awards need to be in by December 1st.

Also, anyone got photoshop and is good with the graphics? My trophies routinely suck, so if anyone wants to take a shot at making the official 2011 Douchie Award, bring your designation skills to bear. Trophy should read “2011 Douchie Award” on the base of the trophy, like past years. Then the top part has a supreme hottie/douchey couple embronzed upon it (your choice of which couple, but not The Gator, Donkey Douche, Joey Porsche, or Pat, as they’re from previous years). Ideally,you’d use this image.

You may now commence with mocking me for relying on others to do work that I myself am capable of doing, but am far too drunk and lazy to actually do.

Here’s your 2011 Douchie Award categories:

Also we’ll induct our 2011 Closet of Mock class. And good times will be had.

There will be mock.

Oh yes.

Ther will be mock.

Friday Thoughts and Links

There are many components of the emerging mock in which hipster and douchebag have mated to produce herpster.

Not least among them are the douche-glasses.

Sort of the 10 Degree Hat Tilt of the Herpser set.

This may be the one of the worst mutations of the Greico Virus we’ve seen in 2011. And hottie lick makes this picture all the worse. Maybe this should be Monday’s HCwDB of the Week?

Which reminds me.

Tomorrow we begin our official work prepping this place for the 2011 Douchie Awards (beginning December 5).

That means sweeping up the alpaca poo from the veranda and straightening up the azalias on the indoor lufa lounge.

Tomorrow, the first official announcement goes up, so if you wanna contribute, claim a category and hand out an award.

In the meantime, your humble narrator is once again in New York trying to detox from the poison that is Los Angeles. The cure: A slice of East Village Brooklyn Pizza, sushi at Tomoe, breakfast at the Popover, and, of course, sooner or later, late night Bistro Burger.

Cuz that’s how I roll NYC style.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Book The DB1 is Currently Reading Pick of the Week: “They were insane with bravery and fools for battle, but like men from one end of the world to the other, they were slaves to their appetitues and to their love of treasure, and with their decks piled high with gold, fresh meat and casks of Georgian wine, the Northmen must as a matter of the highest principle choose profitable retreat over the doubtful glories of combat.”

I never did hear the end of the joke John Bender tells before falling through the roof. What happened to the naked blonde with the poodle and the salami? There must be an answer.

Forensic science colleges
may be perfect for those who want to know the full story. (Resource Link)

Just when you thought there was nothing else they could douche up with garish and vile design atrocity, here’s Ed Hardy Luggage.

Ubiquitous Red Cup continues to gain social stature as an icon of Americana. No mention that it’s also an icon of douchey party photographs. But that’s why I’m here.

There are few athletes in history I have loathed as much as sanctimonious blowhard Tim Tebow. Having blue eyes and endlessly talking about Jesus is enough to see society celebrate an obviously inferior talent in a Nietzchean ubermench style longing for early 20th Century genetic hierarchies, apparently. No ethnic quarterback would ever be given the chance that clown is being given.

The increasingly great Cracked.com offers an overview of Six Classic Songs That Were Supposed to be Jokes. What, no mention of Mahler’s Fifth?

Can a guy be heterosexual and still enjoy pictures of baby meerkats? I say yes.

Llama llama twice the llama…

But you are not just here for cute llama pics. You are here for Pear.

Whistle Froth Pear.

And the world is in harmonic butt globule balance once again.

Perfect Boobage Week Continues…

You know how there’s Shark Week?

Well I’m calling this week “Boobs Week.”

Because the HCwDB marketing team down on the second floor of our West Coast office has informed me we need to strategize about viral branding mission statement virtual projection reconfigured synergies of cross-platform integration.

So I fired all their asses and poured myself a Mr. Pibb.

Boobs.

And for the racists among us, you’re now all free to use the term “Towel Head” with impunity.

Friday Haiku

“How for show, Yankee???
Two een steenk, I sheet my pants;
Feef-teen rubles, pleeze…”

Blondie tribute band
Cannot sing the song ‘Rapture’
Creates depression.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Wiktor and Ivan
Hustlers with nothing to sell
Except their sisters

— saulgoode42

don’t move hair from eyes
you’ll see your arms are around
duckface a l’orange

— Douche Springsteen

Vodka, abortions
Despair, depression, Roofies
Russian Douchebags Rule!

— DoucheyWallnuts

Hey, Amërïkä
Comrade Krüschëv’s words ring true:
“We will bury you!”

— Hermit

Blondie holds on tight
Ivan and Boris are set
Roofies break girls’ will

— THEONETRUEDOUCHE

When Nadja downs her
Fifty-eighth vodka and pukes
Levity breaks out.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

The Dude Who Works at Big Wangs on Cahuenga Spends His Paycheck

You know that dude who works at Big Wangs on Cahuenga? Ever wonder how quickly he can blow his weekly paycheck of $235 during a drunken night out on Sunset chasing Paid-to-Post shots girl Mindy and Caroline?

Answer: 63 minutes.

And yes, there’s a wings and beer place in Hollywood named “Big Wangs.” It’s why my soul atrophies by the hour.

Reader Mail: The Tattoo=Autobag Conundrum

Douche Slapper writes in with another question of sleeve tatt as audodouchery:

—–
Dear DB1,

-Douche Slapper
—–

The debate continues. However you do make a good point, D.S., as we now live in a world where those with many-tatts far outnumber those with the few, or the none. ‘Bag markers, as we’ve learned, are a cumulative effect. However, while sleeve tatts remain autobag in the visual realm, and we cannot exempt this, I will allow for other real-world factors, like not showing them in annoying ways to nearby cameras, to mitigate such rulings.