Saturday, October 29, 2011

The 2011 Douchie Awards Begin December 5th

Prepare.

That is right.

Prepare.

For the 2011 Douchie Awards, an orgy of excess in exegetic organics will take place.

Your role, should you accept it. Vote on the HCwDB of the Year. Vote in other select categories. Enjoy the awards I hand out arbitrarily because I’m too lazy to hold a bunch of votes.

If you’re a regular, now’s your time to participate. Pick one of the categories and you can decide who wins the award, and who the runners up are. Just call it in the comments thread which 2011 Douchie Award you’d like to give out, then go through the past year and find the winner. Then email me your winner with your writeup (2-3 paragraphs) on why the award was given plus the top 3-5 runners up, so I can include them. All awards need to be in by December 1st.

Also, anyone got photoshop and is good with the graphics? My trophies routinely suck, so if anyone wants to take a shot at making the official 2011 Douchie Award, bring your designation skills to bear. Trophy should read “2011 Douchie Award” on the base of the trophy, like past years. Then the top part has a supreme hottie/douchey couple embronzed upon it (your choice of which couple, but not The Gator, Donkey Douche, Joey Porsche, or Pat, as they’re from previous years). Ideally,you’d use this image.

You may now commence with mocking me for relying on others to do work that I myself am capable of doing, but am far too drunk and lazy to actually do.

Here’s your 2011 Douchie Award categories:

Most Expensive First Date Hott
Douchiest Hair
Douchiest ‘Athlete’
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
Douchiest Douche-Face
Douchiest ‘Bag Trend
Douchiest Hand Gesture
Douchiest Facial Fung
Hottest Librarian Hott
The Ricky
The John Largeman (Et Tu Douche? has already claimed this one)
Douchiest ‘Bag Who May Be a Lesbian In Drag
Greasiest Grease Stain
Douchiest Lips
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott
Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy
Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth
The Douchebaguette
Most Euro Eurobags
Smells Like Poo
Most Innovative ‘Bag Maneuver
Douchiest HCwDB Movie
‘Celebrity’ HCwDB Couple of the Year
The Yellowtail
Greatest Crisis of Modernity
Most Annoying ‘Bagling

Voting categories, or solo awards I’m giving out, in which I welcome suggestions/recommendations via the comments thread:

Hottest Hott of the Yea
Best Pear of the Year
Jerziest Jerz
Douchiest Tattoo
Orangest Orange
Best Golden Globes
Most Likely to be the Future Ex-Mrs. DB1
Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award

Also we’ll induct our 2011 Closet of Mock class. And good times will be had.

There will be mock.

Oh yes.

Ther will be mock.

# posted by douchebag1
1:00 pm October, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Dibs on Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth. Over half the Greek Gods of lore were douchebags anyway, so this will be a walk in the park.
.
Oh, vestal virgin Alexandria librarians hotts, show me the way!

1:03 pm October, 29 Doucheywallnuts said...

Dibs on “Douchiest Douche Face.”

1:05 pm October, 29 Wedgie said...

Yes, ther wil be moc.
Twitter is killing Western Civilization.
And shit.

1:06 pm October, 29 Wedgie said...

I’ll take Douchiest Bag Who May Be A Lesbian In Drag. First, because I am one. And second, because there’s only one entry. I’m already finished.
Time for beer.

1:20 pm October, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’m in for Most Euro Douchebag. Damn you Jacques!

1:22 pm October, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Most Euro Eurobags. Burp!

1:38 pm October, 29 creature said...

Jacques Doucheteau grabbed the creature chategory…newman!
due to my heightened olfactory capabilities,
may I lay claim to the ‘Smells Like Poo’ judgement?

1:47 pm October, 29 hermit said...

Buffalo Beast has to be the first, (only) inductee for The Closet of Mock.

2:44 pm October, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Hermit for Hall of Poo (I mean Mock). I just got through a week and a bit from January looking for Euro Eurobags and have been laughing for an hour.
.
Son

2:47 pm October, 29 Whac-a-douche said...

I hope poppa squatter wins the oompa loompa award this year. Or the creepy-baggy-poo award if there was one.

3:06 pm October, 29 Et Tu Douche? said...

“Hottest Hott of the Yea” has to be
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2011/06/long-island-bob-and-layla/#comments

3:21 pm October, 29 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I was looking at Poppa Squatter as a contender for the Douchiest Creature From Greek Myth category. It does kind of look like his mom copulated with a goose already.

3:52 pm October, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Dark Sock will pick his category soon. He’s been busy entertaining at a family function this weekend. What a voice!
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leohcvmf8kM

3:55 pm October, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

This is shaping up to be one of the best years ever me thinks. And Allanis Morisette for future Mrs. Ex DB1. Slap some glasses and ductape on that shiksa and she is good to go. You know you would.

4:46 pm October, 29 Douchble Helix said...

We need to know who the Irving Thalbag Lifetime award winners already are.
.
Thanks!

4:48 pm October, 29 Douchble Helix said...

Is it too late for categories?
.
How about a Quartasian category, and a tranny category?
.
And they winners needn’t be Quartasians or trannys.

5:02 pm October, 29 hermit said...

I propose Nyquil® be the official beverage of the 2011 Douchies.

5:59 pm October, 29 Steve L. said...

i’m not sure if i can pick out a vestal virgin Alexandria librarian hott from this or any other year’s ranks of librarian hotts, but i will certainly make as many attempts as i can. just for Jacques.
.
if i may do the honor of rendering drunken and unholy judgment on the Hottest Librarian Hott, that is.

6:59 pm October, 29 Vin Douchal said...

I’d like a shot at “Celebrity’ HCwDB Couple of the Year”. Although it will be a tough one as Criss Angel has kept a low profile, John Mayer has not flapped his gums in a bit and Spencer and Heidi are bankrupt ( so prayers are answered) . I promise to stay away from Kardashians

7:27 pm October, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I’ll take a shot at the trophy, but have a backup plan as I’m notoriously unreliab…. hey, look, a squirrel!

7:28 pm October, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ Hermit, I’m thinking Flaming Tang shots with a Midol chaser should be this year’s bevie on account the douches usually use more preening products then the ladies they’re with. Plus who here doesn’t like to watch things burn. I’m pretty sure its not just me.

7:32 pm October, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

I nominate Douchble Helix to design this year’s trophies. And any needed side by side comparisons, Sons. Shit I haven’t been this stoked since someone told me I should never say the word stoked ever again.

7:35 pm October, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I’d like to see Nancy Drouche in the hall of mock. Preferably in a tin foil bikini and go-go boots.

7:40 pm October, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

What, no largest clit-boner category?

7:41 pm October, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Dude McCrude, all of that sounds really uncomfortable. What about a bubble wrap tube top and jeggings instead?

7:42 pm October, 29 ehcuodouche said...

I’m really hoping to get a nomination for Hall of Mock this year. Who do I have to blow?

7:48 pm October, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

^ I love to pop bubble wrap. Sometimes with a a flaming pitchfork.

7:48 pm October, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrude 7:40p, um, I would like to write that one up if Stephanie doesn’t nab if first. Not gonna lie though, not a lot if clit boner pics up in this piece. I’ve been campaigning for quite some time for more PeenReveal but Im afraid my requests have fallen upon deaf ears. Or blind eyes. Or don’t give a shit lips.

7:55 pm October, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Call it the Oh My Lady Gaga clit-boner and labial-scrotation award.

8:36 pm October, 29 Douchble Helix said...

@ehcuodouche, it’s not a bad list, alphabetically, it begins:
.
Aardvark, Anthony A.
Aardvark, Anthony B.
.
Don’t worry, it gets to “Anderson” pretty quickly.

8:43 pm October, 29 Douchble Helix said...

I’m honored that my madd skillzzz are being recognized.
.
So, here’s the funny part: I used to do those with MS Paint. Hard to believe, I know!
.
Earlier this year I switched to Ubuntu Linux. And I haven’t mastered any of the graphics programs. They got layers and shit, and all kinds of weird stuff this spreadsheet jockey has never seen before.
.
So it’s the perfect passive-aggressive thing for me. I have fun doing it, but sometimes it’s crazy frustrating doing it. You guys ask for them, and I can’t just do it so easily.
.
So, if DB1 can accept “abstract art”, meaning, I have no idea what I might end up with, I’m in!!

9:49 pm October, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

So, Jacques D. nabs “Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth.”
.
You know, if the Gorgon-American community disagrees with your selection, they’re gonna run to the media and call you a racist. I’m just giving you a heads up,.
.
That being said, I will take ‘Most Trashcan To The Head-worthy.” I’ll settle for cartoon violence if I can’t take the Mythological category. I tease, Jacques. you’ll do a wonderful job. And I will do my best to find whose head would make the most satisfying CLANG when it collides with aluminum.

10:14 pm October, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

Check your inbox, boss. If it pleases you, there is a trophy awaiting you.

1:23 am October, 30 tall guy said...

Well curse you all for acing me out. Probably better off, although I will take any direction or suggestions for a category. Looking forward to the mock. This year promises to be a cracker!

1:32 am October, 30 tall guy said...

Also, while it’s quite the big ask, I nominate Rev Chad K. to pick The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award.

2:42 am October, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

@ Medusa
.
Though I live in Oregon, I am no racist. Each day is a multicultural mambo through the streets of my particular Willamette Valley town to rival the most diverse of New York neighborhoods.
.
Okay, other than the landscaping crews, not so much in the gated subdivision I live in, but I saw some affluent black people on bicycles last time I was in Portland, so that counts for something. Right?

2:45 am October, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

And in 30 minutes Medusa has a trophy made up. That Photoshop 64 torrent I just downloaded off Piratebay was totally not worth the worms.

2:50 am October, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

And I’m TOTALLY forming a hipster accordion/banjo combo named “Affluent Black People on Bicycles”. We’ll play at Peruvian restaurants and train stations. You in on this action, Vin?

4:15 am October, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I might volunteer for another category, but I need guiidance as to whether Nancy Dreuche and her posse of personalities qualify as a unified ‘Bagling.
.
It’s kind of like when the Soviet Union broke up and competed in the Olympics as some Federation of nations shit once it got it..Aaw fuck it.

4:29 am October, 30 CB Popped said...

Id like to take the “Rockerbag” category if it gets added.

7:12 am October, 30 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Jacques: probably not. And probably yes, at the same time. I have Photoshop 9 at work and 5 here at home. I was not at work when I made the trophy. It was like switching from oils to blunt, broken crayons.

7:39 am October, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ Rev Chad, it would be an honor to be roasted by you. Try to make it coherent though. When I read it to the fam at Christmas I need it to be moderately lucid. Seadoos are of course always welcome as is any John MacEnroe namedrop.

10:15 am October, 30 creature said...

how many of you are there? my last count exceeded 15

11:58 am October, 30 Wheezer said...

Boss, is there going to be a “Comment of the Year™” Award?
.
I was thinking that those who have received a coveted Comment of the Week™ deserve to be honored somehow.

1:25 pm October, 30 tall guy said...

As a recipient of the coveted CotW Award I second this proposal.

6:34 pm October, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

That’s such a good idea, I nominate Wheezer’s comment at 11:58 am October, 30 as the HCwDB Comment of the Year™.
.
Mmmm… Meta comment.

7:09 pm October, 30 creature said...

I nominate Wheezer to read all comments & come up with 5 best

7:11 pm October, 30 creature said...

meh…with his uncanny (freakish) recall ability, he could probably cite them off the top of his head

9:27 pm October, 30 Douchble Helix said...

Really. Wheezer is some kind of idiot savant with that recall. I mean that in the best way!

9:39 pm October, 30 The Dude said...

After all the mocking, you’d think at least a few of the douchebags would repent and join the fight.
.
.
The only positive comment from a tagged DB was the guy from Four Points – google it, I do it quite often for my personal maintenance. I still don’t know how to post links here, due to a combination of laziness and sloth.
.
.
Perhaps we need to open a DB rehab. Put a fence around a Vegas hotel pool.

7:56 am October, 31 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Pencil me in for The Douchebaguette, because sometimes I just don’t like myself.

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