Fratbag
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Thursday, February 17, 2022
Congrats to the Staffordbag on Winning the Superbowl!!
We here hanging out in the moldy archives of Hot Chicks with Douchebags would like to take a moment and honor The Staffordbag, a fratchoadial legend that was mocked here back in 2009.
Congrats on winning that ring, Staffordbag! We always knew you could do it.
And by “do it” I mean “drunkenly walk away after a female photographer falls and injures herself at the Superbowl party”.
Because fratwanks instinctively know when to turn heel and Red Cup themselves away.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Billy Wankowsky Sings Yacht Rock to Youthful Kelly
Billy Wankowsky has a secret.
That secret is Yacht Rock.
What is Yacht Rock? That lame douchebro fratchoad music for over forty years of lip biting, high fiving, boat sailing and Bud Light Lime summers.
Like Melville’s symbiotic whale/fish interplay that circumnavigates their douchey-ass trawlers, Fratrock and Douchechoad are a perfect margarita blend of trust fund pablum and culture blender generi-spittle.
All should beware when fratchoads like Billy hum along to remixed Doobie Brothers and fry up some ‘awesome dogs, yo’ on their boat grill. For theirs is a self contained ecosystem. A wretched hive of scam and Valium. The perfect modus operendi for wanky trusty rusty twatwaddles. Whilst lame soft rock seventh chords strummed to falsetto repetition provides the generic soundtrack to their aging, deadened, sun ripened soul shard.
But the greatest tragedy lies in what is slayed on their veritable whale hunt of pop culture somnambulism. For their overplayed ‘classic rock’ soundtrack is not merely accompaniment. It offers the soothing Steelydanitude of inappropriate dazzle. The harmonic wailings that woo ubersucklefondle quality of Youthful Kelly and her purity of holistic hottitude.
And that is true tragedy of the spectral rotting whale corpse beached on the sands of a grossly unexamined life.
Happy summer from the DB1!
Monday, February 17, 2014Frat Joe Lives the High Life
Kinda hard to hate too hard on Frat Joe.
First of all, he’s posing with classic Paid-to-Pose Hotts. Which is like posing with Mickey Mouse at Disney World. It’s no biggie, part of the atmosphere, and helps perpetuate a secular version of a religious cult built around childhood fantasies.
Or something like that.
In a related story, Amazonian Tina would Goofy my Plutos whilst Snow Whiting my Jungle Book’s Little Mermaid. If you know what I mean. Teacups.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014Breaking: San Francisco Quarterback Colin Kaepernick is a Douchechoad
For those of you who follow football, Colin Kaepernick is an icon of Millennial generation pathos, detachment, disassociation, and video game doofusery.
But now we also have irrefutable proof.
Colin Kaepernick is also a choadfondle.
The Awkward Years blog is on the scene. Tracking the development of this sportspud from innocent young suburbanite to hard partying Vegasian rich-and-famous scrote clown.
So whether you’re a fan of football or not, mocking must commence. Immediately. Lest the excesses of woo!, stupidtatt, hand gestures, and tilted baseball cap continue in presence of bikini hotties at various cookouts in the greater North Bay area.
Monday, December 23, 2013Hey Guy Says, "Hey, Guy!"
Ironically, he is also a eunuch.
So Christmas Kim has little to worry about besides bite marks on the outer neck area and an inappropriate elbow-to-boob incident by the bathrooms.
Wednesday, July 10, 201380s Preppies Live on In Europe
Europe has always been a few years behind on the douche trends. But three decades? Seems a bit much.
Scandanavian Hott giggle sounds like a newborn wildebeest eating a truffle. Fact.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013The Woo Bros Horrify Kelly
Sure there’s uberdouches like Donkey Douche.
But then there’s real world scrotography.
Like the Woo Bros.
Solid color polo tees and synchronized cries of “Woo.” Usually accompanied by buffalo wings and a nearby television displaying competitive sports.
They may not be purity of spectacle suckitude. But they are soul sucking decay of ineptitude instead.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013Kelly and Fratbros Bob and Joe Are Vaguely Familiar with Mexico
Because, once when they were visiting California to go to Disney Land, they ate at a Poquito Mas.
Kelly ordered the fish tacos.
Fratbro Bob then made a joke that linked the concept of the fish taco to Kelly’s nethers.
Kelly giggled politely.
Fratbro Joe, who on one of my more generous days might earn a nottadouche simply said, “Word.”
Word indeed, Fratbro Joe.
Word indeed.
Thursday, November 15, 2012Tim McFratterson is In Over His Head
Tim McFratterson may just earn a nottadouche and a goinpeace if he doesn’t bust any hand signs or stupidface in the future.
Good on you, Tim.
But we all know you can’t handle the truth. And by truth, I mean either one of these femmtastic perfectionaries.
Lucious Heather makes the Collective Peep of the Unconscious weep with caustic longing and boobie proddle.
While Ubiquitous Red Cup observes pensively.
Thursday, November 8, 2012The Swallow Brothers Ruin a Sapphic Pileup
Oh Brunette Brenda.
How I stared longingly at the back of your neck throughout sophomore year biology II.
If my eyes had shot bees with laser beams on them, then the back of your neck would have felt pain from the stinging sensation of bees and laser beams.
But my eyes did not shoot bees with laser beams on them.
So your neck did not notice.
