Jersey
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Wednesday, January 22, 2014
More Elliptical Selfies From the Dirty Jerz
They don’t make enough Lysol to clean the stench of pokey nipple selfies on inflatable clouds trying to impress nineteen year old yoga instructors named Sophie.
Monday, January 20, 2014Somewhere in Passaic….
An elliptical smells like a mixture of bodyspray, groin sweat, and incurious community college essays.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014Joey Uvula Shows Ashley His BlingTatt
When bling + tatt becomes blingtatt, then and only then, The Golem will rise.
And by Golem, I mean Joey Uvula’s happy pants.
And by rise, I mean shift disquietly in his gym shorts from left to right.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013Mr. Broboto Fondles Stephanie
Remember kids, fire extinguishers are only for tall people.
Thursday, September 12, 2013Vinnie Sphincter Is In Bidness, Yo
Yo! He got mad business props, yo!
Like, took one of them online classes, you know what he’s sayin’? One of them mad bidness classes! Like at DeVry or maybe U. of Phoenix, it don’t matter to Vinnie Sphincter. All that matters is he took that class yo, and it was tight!
Like skies openin up and rainin’ money n’ shit!
And now Vinnie’s all makin’ mad cash and snaggin’ Sexy Belinda, and hustlin’ and, you know, doin’ what it takes to get shit done!
Don’t ask questions, son! Vinnie Sphincter don’t have to explain nuthin’ to ya!
If ya got the goods you don’t gotta answer to know one is all he’s sayin’.
What’s that?
His cell phone just got cut off?
Don’t be mad hatin’, yo.
It’s all part of the plan.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013Joey Travolta's Nightmare
I suppose this could take place in my dreams, Jersey Angie.
A place where Joey Travolta, bastard half-brother of noted toupee wearing Hollywood redundancy, John, explodes in day-glo shirtwear as the soul of Jersey roasts on a spitfire like so many tortured demigods in satanic fury.
Although lately my dreams have tended to veer towards Denny’s bacon ice cream sundaes.
Because that’s what happens when Baby Ruins Libido.
in other news, I just formed an indie punk band called Baby Ruins Libido.
Thursday, August 8, 2013Baby Diaper Poo
Thanks to the unending cuteness that is the recent spawn of your humble narrator, BC1, I have official confirmation that Pasadena Pukester here looks exactly like a giant, steaming load of milk poo produced by a five-day-old.
Sharon giggles as she’s mugged, and for that, I almost forgive her Bud Light Limes.
Almost.
But not quite.
Back to burping duty for your humble narrator who once lived the Hollywood life and is now knee-deep in spittle and sleeplessness.
Monday, June 10, 2013Vinnie Fanooli Is Determined to Touch Angie's Nethers
A week’s pay from Tony’s Oil Change, a freshly shaved chest and a perfectly coiffed lip fung give Vinnie Fanooli the confidence he needsto finally make his move on Angie Nunzio.
Besides, Angie’s mom, Maria, and Vinnie’s mom, Maria, like to play bridge together on Sundays.
So Vinnie’s got that going for him.
Angie likes gum.
Tune in!! All this week!! On As Italian Stereotypes Unfairly Applied by a Jewish Blogger Based on a Single Pic Turns.
Thursday, May 2, 2013Sorority Lisa Experiences A Fruitopia Douche Sandwich
This. Will not end well.
Beware the jelly dong, Sorority Lisa. Beware the jelly dong.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012Stevetatt McCrotchenfondle Wins the Trophy
The trophy is for Tiniest Leopard Package in Trenton.
Babs McBoobserson jiggles pensively.
Ubiquitous Red Cup left an hour ago for happy hour at the Oyster Shack off I-5.
And it’s T minus-3 until the Russians invade.
Yep.
I’ve ditched that idea about killer gum. I’mma pitch a new film, “Boobs Dawn.” Or maybe “Boobs Hawk Down.” “Boobs Lieutenant?” Okay, lets go with “Breaking Boobs.”
