Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Champagne Katie Says Happy New Year!!

I’m feeling such good vibes for 2012, I’m not even posting a douchebag with this lil’ alchy-hottie.

May your New Years be festive and contemplative, mixed with just a touch of world-appropriate rage at just how far the human race falls short of its potential.

But Champagne Katie boobies carry us onward, ever onward, towards an angel hued pastel future-sky mixed with Seurat-dotted landscapes of idealized potential and booberific bobble bobbs.

And Champagne Katie Pear.

New Years Thoughts and Links

Well, it’s still a few days away, but merry 2012, homeslices and fellow alcoholics!!

The apocalypse may be upon, but there’s always room for Jello.

Another year has passed.

2012 will being new forms of mock, known and unknown.

But for now, we imbibe.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Pulp Noir Book Pick of the Week: “I kissed her, a long hard kiss. Because baby didn’t know it, but baby was dead, and in a way I couldn’t have loved her more.”

Funny or Die gets on the HCwDB mockin’ train with Guido Jesus

Shawn Valentino Wants To Make All Your Fantasies Come True. I’m hoping that includes him drinking a vat of Drano.

When Naked 300lb Bodybuilders Attack!

For sale: Douche Jar. If only I’dda marketed these back in ’07.

Trader Joes gets in on the HCwDB Holiday Spirit.

Somewhere in this video, I’ve carefully hidden herpster arm. Look closely. Can you find it? Mmm… Annoying Giggle Boobs.

But enough about herpster arm and stripper giggle boobs that actually spell out “OMG” when riding in a car for the first time. Lets get to your New Years Pear:

Gym Pears

Because everyone makes a New Years Resolution that they’ll go to the gym more often in the New Year. Even Pears.

New Years Haiku

The casino band
For New Year’s Eve Party is
“Death Crabs for Cuties”

Tri-Lambdas’ revenge
not against Alpha Betas
this time, but parents.

— Wheezer

Pasties on Ta-Ta’s
Tends to lead to morning wood.
But ‘Bags are termites

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

So, you want band names?
Skanks nips decorated by
A Flock of Sea Gulls.

— hermit

At Tropicana
“Bring A Douchebag Get In Free”
We’re set for a week

— Vin Douchal

andom chump takes pic
of slut machines where he lost
all his life savings.

— Wheezer

Her tits never move
Since the gyroscope was put
In her monkey hole.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Mr. Boatbagus Flexes Douchily

For Mr. Boatbagus, Jesus bling and douchepose bring out even more of the hottest 19 year olds from the greater Wisconsin area.

Proving yet again, that even heaping greased up shoescrapes can draw a flock of giggle hott if they own a boat and a cooler of Bud Light Lime.

Minxy Laura grooves with taut back arch, and the pelicans of my mind swoon like candlewax.

Mr. Boatbagus Smells Like Bodyspray and Prunes

What is it with owning boats and turning into a Greasedouche? That we may never have an answer for.

Nor may we ever answer why unemployed tools living at home in their late 20s insult reality with a snake tattoo.

But we do have an answer for what Minxy Laura on the left will be doing in the perception filtered distorted reality of my future-life. It will involve calisthenics, a yoga mat, a quart of raspberry sorbet, a troupe of unemployed juggling Romanian fortune tellers, a Twister spin wheel, and a 1988 Volvo engine repair manual.

Maybe 2012 Really Is the End of Civilization

The entire collective history of humankind’s advancement and achievement just squatted out a turd flush.

Captain Wank Salutes All Math Majors In Over Their Head

Charleene has come a long way since taking the midnight train headed an-y-where.

You Know Who Enjoys The Break Between Christmas and New Years?

Mack and C-Dog do, yo.

Don’t be frontin’.

They serious.

90 Degree 2005 Ashton Kutcher Hat Tilt Serious.

Sweet Beer Drinking Brenda has disinterested parents. Who aren’t paying enough attention to her nocturnal activities now that she’s back from Nevada State for the break.

Peter Pumpin’head and Mary Mammageddon Still Can’t Believe They Didn’t Make the 2011 Douchie Finals

They’re so upset, they brought Distorted Side Boob to Vegas to complain about it at the Hard Rock Pool Party Complaint Desk (a drunk guy named Vinny over by the potted eucalyptus tree).

But you know who was thrilled by their win at the 2011 Douchies?

Daytime Candid Champagne Katie. Followed by lots of squee and OMGs and then, like, a total manipedi that she deserved because, like, last week was ,like, too much and she’s serious.

Post Christmas Tree Poo

For those of you who celebrate the season, I hope you didn’t find a douchewank under your tree. But I hope you did find Blonde Giggle Ashley. For she is pouty paid-to-pose. But might pose without pay if you buy her a Mai Tai.

For those who don’t celebrate the season, I hope your Chinese Food dinner was tasty and MSG free.

Gearin’ up here at the ole’ homestead. Lots of great pics came in during the 2011 Douchies (thanks to all of you who submitted), so we are well stocked for the mock to continue in the New Year.

But this week, your humble narrator chills with the semi-mock. Which is like bear hunting while reclining on a Segway.

Because that’s how I proverbially roll. Pun intended. And a stinky pun at that.

Mock on’, fellow hunters and huntresses. The game is on.