Friday, December 30, 2011

New Years Thoughts and Links


Well, it’s still a few days away, but merry 2012, homeslices and fellow alcoholics!!

The apocalypse may be upon, but there’s always room for Jello.

Another year has passed.

2012 will being new forms of mock, known and unknown.

But for now, we imbibe.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Pulp Noir Book Pick of the Week: “I kissed her, a long hard kiss. Because baby didn’t know it, but baby was dead, and in a way I couldn’t have loved her more.”

Funny or Die gets on the HCwDB mockin’ train with Guido Jesus

Shawn Valentino Wants To Make All Your Fantasies Come True. I’m hoping that includes him drinking a vat of Drano.

When Naked 300lb Bodybuilders Attack!

For sale: Douche Jar. If only I’dda marketed these back in ’07.

Trader Joes gets in on the HCwDB Holiday Spirit.

Somewhere in this video, I’ve carefully hidden herpster arm. Look closely. Can you find it? Mmm… Annoying Giggle Boobs.

But enough about herpster arm and stripper giggle boobs that actually spell out “OMG” when riding in a car for the first time. Lets get to your New Years Pear:

Gym Pears

Because everyone makes a New Years Resolution that they’ll go to the gym more often in the New Year. Even Pears.

# posted by douchebag1
12:14 pm December, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

This isn’t that far detached from my family Christmas photo.
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You all think I’m joking.

12:22 pm December, 30 Wheezer said...

Jiggle Boobies and Gym Pears help to send 2011 out on a high note. We should thank Jiggle Boobies for at least trying to keep her boobies visible during the recording, even if she did slap her boobies a few too many times. I might even think that was planned.
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Did I say “boobies” enough there?
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I’ll have to watch again to see if I see the alleged “hipster arm” – I think that’s like Bigfoot or something. Maybe Discovery Channel will air some reality-type show about it some day soon.

12:23 pm December, 30 Wheezer said...

Giggle Boobies, Jiggle Boobies…..whatever. I’m still watching it again, just without the sound this time.

12:28 pm December, 30 Wheezer said...

Speaking of jiggle/giggle boobies and hipster/herpster wankscrote…..
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http://news.yahoo.com/apnewsbreak-russell-brand-katy-perry-divorce-193154074.html

12:31 pm December, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DB1, I am not an alcoholic, but thank you for including me in your well wishes for 2012. I think its going to be a super year. I have a feeling I’m going to be getting quite a bit of some so if I’m not around for awhile it means I’m doing it. With a dude. I know, crazy world we live in. I hope everyone plays it safe this holiday. Check for a peen before you drunkenly ask her back to your place and dont eat the marischino cherries, the food coloring is poisonous.

12:33 pm December, 30 UFO Destroyers said...

That is a gym dress code I can get behind.
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Damm Wheeze, that story was only 11 minutes old when I checked it. That’s too bad for the lovely couple. Another reason why celebs shouldn’t get married. There’s lots of tail getting thrown around and why should you limit yourself in the prime yogurt years?

12:40 pm December, 30 ChestBrah said...

I think all you jelly hater’s should read Shawn Valentino’s bio. Great ideals and role models. He could probably stand to spend some more time in the gym but at least he’s trying.

12:48 pm December, 30 ChestBrah said...

Girls in gyms should not be aloud all they do is stand around staring in the mirror and get in the way when I’m trying to stare in the mirror. What is this pear you speak of? I eat a lot of fruit so I’m pretty familiar with fruit yet I see no pear.

12:54 pm December, 30 Southern Scrotic said...

A seat belt across those airbags is redundant.

1:00 pm December, 30 Wedgie said...

Yes, ChestBrah, no girls aloud. ‘Cuz then they might scream.
@Jacques D, your family portrait makes me very proud to be a genuine U.S. American. The right to bear arms, including anti-aircraft weapons. Those sneaky yellow bastards caught us sleeping once, but NEVER AGAIN!! I also recommend a shoulder-fired rocket, just in case.
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Speaking of embarrasing family members, I was at my brother’s house for Christmas dinner, and he showed me and the little Wedgelettes the contents of his gun safe. I shit you not, 6 assault rifles, 6 shotguns and 12 handguns. Plus ammo for all, including some gnarly special stuff he had custom made.
Needless to say, the kids can’t wait to go back again soon. I hope the commies don’t invade until after my ski trip next month.

1:09 pm December, 30 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmmmmm!!!!! GIggle Boobs & Gym Pears a fine way to end the week and the year for that matter.
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Play safe this weekend Mockstars if your going out for NYE just remember it’s bridge & tunnel amateur hour so drive safely.

1:12 pm December, 30 creature said...

I’m gonna join ‘taco’ gym!

1:14 pm December, 30 Vin Douchal said...

I’d like bend Katy Perry over in front of a mirror and watch her horrified fuckface as she realized it was me and not some Hollywood Bohunk tapin’ that azzz.
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And you KNOW I’d stick my thumb up her anus to see if there’s any plumbs up there. What a good boy am I.

1:16 pm December, 30 Vin Douchal said...

This Kasanova.com guy is pretty douchey , too, but click on his “Kittenz” for a treat

1:34 pm December, 30 Vin Douchal said...

In Honor Of Rev Chad’s retro-looks into Rock’s storied past: a Johnny Winter concert was the first time I took acid….. and last,….
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1:40 pm December, 30 DoucheyWallnuts said...

The only Katy Perry story I want to read is the one about how she did an all-girl porn flick and won an AVN Award for “Best Anal Tongue Darts.” The only Russell Brand story I want to read is the one about how he shot himself in the head. Although he was great as Aldous Snow and Borat.

2:06 pm December, 30 Jaan said...

“I am not excited about life because I get lots of women. I get lots of women because I am excited about life.” -Shawn Valentino

Are you fucking kidding me?

2:56 pm December, 30 tall guy said...

Happy New Year, fellow ‘Bagsters. May we mock long & well in 2012.

3:02 pm December, 30 Wedgie said...

Sad news: one of our favorite douchiest couples is breaking up. So sorry Katy and what’s-his-name. But at least fuccen Yahoo thinks that’s front page news.
Yeah, never mind the Arab Spring, Euro-meltdown or the fact that some new asshole in North Korea now has his finger on the button. Let’s talk about these two idiots.
Fuck me, we deserve whatever shitstorm we get. I’m driving over to my crazy brother’s house and borrowing a few guns and hand grenades.

3:02 pm December, 30 DarkSock said...

I am tempted to start a website called Die_ShawnValentino_Die.com

3:41 pm December, 30 Scooby Douche said...

Shawn Valentino calls himself “the man of a hundred nicknames”. Where should we start, Major Asswipe?

4:07 pm December, 30 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I used to go to that gym. It sucked. Sticky residue on all the seats and Chaz Bono constantly loitering outside with his nose pressed against the window. And do you know how hard it is to do pull ups with wood?

5:34 pm December, 30 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

DB1: Great links to end out the year. I hate to get all mushy and emotional, but thanks for another great year of laughs. No matter how shitty a day at work is, a quick click to this site is always good for a laugh or wtf? Keep up the good work Bra !
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Nancy, sounds like you’ve been hittin the two buck chuck heavy already if your planning out all your peen conquests for the year. Good luck with that. No, seriously I mean it.

5:49 pm December, 30 tall guy said...

I echo the words of Magnum Douche P.I. Thanks very much, Jay. Thanks for the humour you give us and for the companionship your tireless dedication makes possible. Happy New Year to you and your family.

6:07 pm December, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

@My fellow detective investigator, 2 Buck Whatnow? And please, I wait until 5pm. Or 11:39a if I have a day off from detecting. And I’m always scheming for peen. C’mon, haven’t I reiterated that enough here? Do I need a neon sign like tall guy suggested? Perhaps I should light myself on fire? Please don’t tell me it would be as simple as showing cleave in my avatar? How droll. Thanks for the well wishes, I hope you get some solid gold trim as well.

6:12 pm December, 30 The Dude said...

mmmm’making garlic soup. Garlic wards off vampires and douchebags. I just hope my garlic breth werks with da ladiees!
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Gourmounds

6:14 pm December, 30 The Dude said...

wow, my post is 13 minnits in the future…

6:14 pm December, 30 The Dude said...

pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttt….

6:23 pm December, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

@The Dude, holy frijoles, we’re time travelers. Did DarkSock open up a worm hole in the space time continumatrix? I read somewhere that garlic is good for something health related. Please post recipe.

6:36 pm December, 30 Mr. White said...

Apropos of nothing, here’s the worst thing to come out of western PA since 99% of my high school classmates:

http://youtu.be/8QPR3vHoDvE

7:04 pm December, 30 tall guy said...

@ The Dude, I made some recently. Didn’t follow a recipe but it tastes great. Makes me fart like a bloody racehorse though.

8:49 pm December, 30 The Dude said...

hi Nancy – I’m roughly working from this online recipe
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http://allrecipes.com/recipe/roasted-garlic-soup/
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I’m going heavy on the garlic, light on the heavy whipping cream

8:51 pm December, 30 The Dude said...

@tallguy – I like farting Fart Oo much, lol

8:55 pm December, 30 The Dude said...

Geebuzz, Mr. White! Brings to mind, there must be some pics of Nice Guys with Bleeth’s.

8:58 pm December, 30 The Dude said...

If i fart whilst posting 13 minnits in the future, will it still reek when I return?
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Apparently so.
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Fartfortnugen

11:11 pm December, 30 Douchble Helix said...

I thought I’d easily make it through the whole muffin video. Nothin’ doin’.
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1:36 of 3:36, and I was gone.

2:00 am December, 31 Nostradouchus said...

Is it just me, or does Santa look scared sh!tless?

5:52 am December, 31 CB Popped said...

Sofia Vergara pear.

http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/sofia_vergara__sheer_beauty#tab=most_recent&id=105271

6:25 am December, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

My New Years resolution is to get my penis back to full bone. I plan to do this by:
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1. Taking Peter North’s Porn Star Vitamin E
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2. Avoiding sex with my wife.
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3. Cutting back to 20 beers a day ( cause of the hypertension).
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4. Watching Britney Spear’s early videos and that Selena Gomez’ little mouth.
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5. Sprinkling cocaine in my doobies
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6. Avoiding gyms for the 46th year. Fucking germs.
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7. Listening to Johnny Winter on acid.
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8. Putting a gyroscope in my monkey box.
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Drive drunk in the backseat. I’m going out with the rich crowd tonight because they have better booze and need some quality weed.

7:33 am December, 31 The Dude said...

I just bang bitches and make garlic soup to ward off the douchebags.

7:58 am December, 31 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ Rev, I too will be avoiding sex with your wife in the new year, as per usual. But that’s like the only thing we have that’s the same on our lists.
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@The Dude, Garlic soup recipe looks yummy. I’m a bit of a soup fan so I might give it to someone else to make if for me.

8:14 am December, 31 Hermit said...

Wedgie 1:00 pm,
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The commies are among us my friend, don‘t ever forget it. My second ex-wife was a commie, they are your friends and neighbors, some hide in DC plain sight. Others blend in with the community, like the local horticulturist sunning himself naked in your City Park, or the bearded intellectual hidden among the bookshelves of your town library, masturbating to pictures of Joseph Stalin and pale-skinned young boys.
We must remain vigilant and ever-watchful, our weapons well-oiled and our skills sharpened on the grindstone of Truth. The corrupted, rotten outer crust of Amerika may someday have to be removed, by incestuous patriots with hunting rifles, AK47’s and the whirling propellers of two-stroke bass boats. The electric cars and bicycles will gather on the beaches in panic-driven retreat….. to be pushed forcefully into the oceans by toothless rednecks, clad in greasy Chinese blue jeans and torn and faded NASCAR t-shirts driving loud, jacked-up pickup trucks!…… There will be great wailing, moaning and gnashing of teeth!….and the seas run red with the blood of tyrants…and traitors…….wait, hold it, that’s not my point,…hold on….it’s just the Nyquil talking……………
………my point was this, my first ex-wife was a cold, soulless reptile of a woman with translucent skin and an excellent ass, I still see her from time to time, and now as she approaches fifty, she’s a cold, soulless reptile of a woman……. My second ex-wife was a warm and gregarious hippie who, though she admittedly hated Amerika, claimed she wasn’t really a commie. I had my suspicions though. She wore peasant dresses and sandals and insisted we make love to recorded whale songs and some kind of fucked up Indian music. She never shaved her underarms or her warm, heavily vegetated underbelly, and screwing her was like dog-fucking a mountain goat with distemper during the rainy season.
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Sometimes, while eating my Mediterranean Veggie sandwich, I gradually lower my pants down around my ankles, just to freak out the Squares in Panera Bread®.

8:33 am December, 31 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Nanc: FYI: “two buck chuck” is Trader Joes finest wine, Charles Shaw vineyards for $2.99. Thus the two buck chuck name. Had to throw a T.J.’s reference in for the boss.

8:34 am December, 31 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit, I will also be avoiding sex with both of your comminatzi ex wives. Especially the hairy one.

8:38 am December, 31 Nancy Dreuche said...

@MPI, not much of a wino. Gives me a headache. But great Trader Joe’s shout out. I know a guy who knows a guy with a sweet doobie hookup that works there. So yeah, great produce.

8:47 am December, 31 The Dude said...

$1.99 Maggie PI — Do the math.

9:07 am December, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ JD 12:14
Oh, how I WISH my family portrait were like this. I hope one day I overhear Mr. B. telling someone that his kid delivers a lethal head shot–just like Mama!
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@Wedgie 1:00
I burn with jealous rage. I only have 5 handguns. I just picked up a sweet-ass folding polymer stock for my SKS. It’s a shame, as the old wood is glowing and beautiful and elegant, but it looks like someone took to the magazine receiver with an icepick. It’s not even salvageable and it breaks my heart. However, I don’t have them for looks, they’re for utility. I’m working on the Spetsnaz rifle training program (at least as much of it as I’m able to access on my my own) as we speak. By the end of it, I should be able to pull off Red Dawn all by myself, even without The Swayze.
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Today I’m pulled in three directions, none of which involve my sofa and I’m not happy about that. I suppose as the holiday season utters one bloated last gasp, the least I can do is put on a phony smile and participate. New Year’s Eve is possibly the most retarded occasion ever when one does not drink alcohol. I’d sooner be getting teabagged while buffing the fingerprints off my Ruger but it’s not to be.
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That being said, a most happy new year to all you hunters and huntresses. Don’t drink and drive. But if you do, make sure you take out a few ‘bags and bleeths in the crosswalk.

9:35 am December, 31 Wheezer said...

Don’t drink and drive. But if you do, make sure you take out a few ‘bags and bleeths in the crosswalk. – Medusa Oblongata
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Goddammit, that’s got to go into the next edition of Bartlett’s!

6:52 am January, 1 Scrote_Scratcher said...

Tracked you down..

MUKHERJEE, MANJU
2047 Pandora Dr
Sterling Heights, MI 48310

6:15 am January, 2 CB Popped said...

^Hermit,

I hear you brother, a woman with an “exellent ass” can take over my world and fuck me up to no end.

12:42 pm January, 2 paper or plastic said...

@ DB1: hey jackass, how about giving your boy here a little credit for the Valentino link!

5:29 pm January, 3 Mr. Biggs said...

the only thing annoying about giggle boobs is the thought that all I really need is a fast car to accelerate boobage to coitus speed. And yet I won’t buy one.

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