Celebubag

    Tuesday, February 16, 2016

    Footbag A.J. McCarron and his Wife Confirm The Existential Vortex of a Soulless Universe

    AJMcCarronAndWife

    Proving the old Knute Rockne adage that the harder you play the game the more your douchey-ass tatts make nearby ferrets upchuck their partially digested acorn seed, Footbag A.J. McCarron is currently married to this delightful slice of Key Lime Hottpie.

    Bro Ted in the background does not deserve to be caught in the photographic crossfire of this missmatched coupling atrocity.

    Throw the flag! Ten yard holding penalty! And various other sundry football euphemisms involving tight ends and penetration draw plays that should be readily apparent to even the most novice ‘bag hunter or huntress.

    But your humble narrator will not resort to such lazy verbiage. For ours is a classy website replete with only original humor.

    So let me merely say that this A.J. is the douchiest A.J. since O.J. D.J’d for Jay-Z by playing the Beatles’ Blue Jay Way.

    Yeah.

    Okay then.

    Now you know why I update HCwDB less frequently than a Hugh Hefner bowel movement.

    Uhm.

    Yeah.

    Wanna play cards?

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, June 25, 2015

    Someone Named Ariana Grande Wants You to Stop Judging Her For Dating Douchebags

    Grande
    A few weeks ago someone named Ariana Grande, who may or may not be a Starbucks promotion coupon code, complained that people need to stop judging celebrities based on who they’ve dated.

    Apparently this ambulatory entertainment product has spent the past few years coupling with a series of pre-packaged plastic drone boy toy veneers shrink wrapped for mass consumption. And now she doesn’t like it when the internet gets mean. In a rant in some form of social media, this person of whom I have no idea (Disney princess? Heir to Kombucha Tea fortune?) complained thusly:

    ———
    “I can’t wait to live in a world where people are not valued by who they’re dating / married to / attached to… but by their value as an individual… I have clearly not been having the boy questions in my interviews lately because I have come to the realization that I have SO. MUCH. MORE. to talk about… I’m saying this after literally eight years of feeling like I constantly had to have a boy by my side. After being on my own now for a few months I am realizing that that’s just not the case.”
    ———

    There’s some other stuff in there about activism and gender roles, but I’m too lazy to retype it.

    That being said, allow me to retort. Because we here at Hot Chicks with Douchebags like to stay up on current events in our quarterly half-assed posts.

    Reducing public gossip/criticism to a reductive form of gender politics offers a slap in the face to the very real problem of systemic bias within the language and codes of patriarchal traditions.  It is the pseudo-intellectual whine of privilege. It does damage to the real cause it claims to support.

    When a young performer chooses to enter the Foucauldian panopticon of new media ludicrousness, they make an implicit contract to perform as a dancing/dating/drinking/partying rhesus monkey grinding the organ grinder for the hordes of the unwashed.

    This is not to excuse the venom and personal attacks that dominate the bottom-scraping chum tank of reprehensibility that defines the New Media wasteland.

    It is only to observe that criticism comes with the perks of fame and fortune, as Gandhi once said. Every celebrity has learned this painful lesson since Clara Bow sucker punched Hedda Hopper at Hearst’s Brown Derby blowout back in the 20’s.

    So let it be venti. So let it be done.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, January 10, 2015

    Breaking: Tom Jones is a Tangerine

    article-0-19CBC4B000000578-996_634x425

    The proper caption for this image is:

    A) “It’s not unusual to be bronzed by anyone…”

    B) What’s New, Skincancer? Whoooa whooa whoooohaaa…”

    C) “She’s marmalady… whoa whoa whoa… she’s marmalady.”

    D) “I just want your extra time and your…. Sunkist.”

    Answer now!

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, August 20, 2012

    Douchey Feldman Approves of the HCwDB of the Week

    From the pinnacle of Hollywood success to see-through rayon douche poses with hot chicks in just under three decades.

    So it goes from the days of wine and roses.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, July 30, 2012

    Axl Oldey Approves of the HCwDB of the Month

    Rockstar Leniency Rule never dies.

    It just starts to shout at kids to get off its lawn.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, June 27, 2012

    Bath Salts Hugh Jackman Says…

    “Oi, mate! I don’t know where I is! I’m Wolverine! You like my Sheila? She came with the Sony gift bag after a private taste-makers screening of ‘Magic Mike’! Ain’t life grand?”

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, June 21, 2012

    Bath Salts Hugh Jackman Reaps the Benefits of Stardom

    Then again, is Bath Salts Hugh Jackman really interested?

    Blonde Model Premium Super Mayan Eye of Coitus is reserved only for celebrities. The bouncer is now asking you to leave.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, June 19, 2012

    Harrison Ford Runs with the Goose

    And the DB1’s entire world view implodes with the force of a thousand suns…

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, November 17, 2011

    Sweet Buffet o’ Mine

    Because “Appetite for Destruction” was too obvious.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 13, 2011

    Breaking: Someone Named Scott Disick Swings His Cane

    Because I like to stay hip with the latest pop culture yadda yaddas that so concern Ryan Seacreast and Julia Whatever on that single letter network, I thought I’d update you on Scott Disick.

    No, I don’t know who he is either.

    Apparently he pregged up one of the Kardashians. And no, I don’t really know who the Kardashians are, or what makes them famous, either. I think they fought the Klingons and the Ferengi in one of the Deep Space Nines.

    This may or may not be a Kardashian sister.

    And I don’t know why you should care about this. Apparently he likes to use his cane to hold back his woman, and to dress up like a cast member of the gay porn parody of Mad Men, entitled, “Mad Cock.”

    Anyways, who gives a spankmonkey about these generics? I don’t. You don’t. Back to real people. That’s who we focus on here at HCwDB. Not manufactured Hollywood flotsam.

    # posted by douchebag1
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