Thursday, December 29, 2011

Mr. Boatbagus Smells Like Bodyspray and Prunes

What is it with owning boats and turning into a Greasedouche? That we may never have an answer for.

Nor may we ever answer why unemployed tools living at home in their late 20s insult reality with a snake tattoo.

But we do have an answer for what Minxy Laura on the left will be doing in the perception filtered distorted reality of my future-life. It will involve calisthenics, a yoga mat, a quart of raspberry sorbet, a troupe of unemployed juggling Romanian fortune tellers, a Twister spin wheel, and a 1988 Volvo engine repair manual.

# posted by douchebag1
8:08 am December, 29 Douchble Helix said...

Good choice, Boss.
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The ’88 always gets the best results.

8:14 am December, 29 DarkSock said...

What is it with owning boats and turning into a Greasedouche?
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I’m not sure, Boss…I have not been able to physically remain inside my boat(s) for any extended length of time…
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Insurance Claimants.

8:19 am December, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

Darksock, please tell me how you are able to walk on water like that. And am I high, or do you have a peg leg?
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Minxy Laura. Mmmm. Too bad about that ugly-ass ankh tattoo on her ankle. That’s okay, when her ankles are safely tucked behind her ears, I won’t see it.

8:22 am December, 29 DarkSock said...

Medusa: That’s no leg…
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In the spirit of full disclosure, however, those dark objects behind me are stress-poops.
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That’d be a decent band name…

8:23 am December, 29 DarkSock said...

I would like to tongue-flog the little man in gentile Natalie Portman’s flesh-canoe on the right there, however.
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And the buttgash-regions of Paleness on the far left smells like Dove soap and freshly peeled apples.
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errere

8:29 am December, 29 Wheezer said...

Can someone please bitchslap the scaly, slithering (or blithering) idiot out of the center of that photo? He has four nubile young hotties around him and can’t even deign to smile about his good fortune.
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Or hell…..hey ‘Sock? Take this scrote for a boat ride, wouldja?

8:38 am December, 29 tall guy said...

Ahoy Minxy Laura! Semi-orange second from right tucked under the douche arm isn’t bad either.
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Jesus bling.

9:21 am December, 29 UFO Destroyers said...

It looks like second from right is having her flesh crawl from being in the same zip code as Grandmaster (Axe) Splash.

@ D.S. My uncle used to race drag boats like above and had one of those horrific wrecks a couple of summers ago. To make it even worse, he had a heart attack first, jammed the throttle down, then rolled his 540 c.i.d. missile in the middle of the lake. The Zapruder-like footage was awesome but since it’s on VHS it’ll probably never make the ‘net. Back and to the left.

9:28 am December, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

Is that a snake tattooed down his pants or is he just happy to be on a watercraft not piloted by DarkSock. And I think of all the homages to him Jesus likes the cross ankle tattoo best. She will be the first one saved for sure.

9:49 am December, 29 Eponymous Douche said...

So all I have to do is spray Axe Body Spray and eat prunes and that could be me? Well, where does one acquire such paraphernalia?

9:54 am December, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Epon Douche, rent a boat during Spring Break. Bring red cups and blast Bel Biv Devoe. Come on dude its not rocket science. Also make sure the fridge is stocked with wine coolers and Zima.

10:00 am December, 29 creature said...

….Toffutti, Toffutti!

10:05 am December, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Life aboard the HMS Jailbait is harder than it seems, what with all the plank walking and scrubbing of the poop deck. In fact, lithe redhead Caroline hasn’t gone to the privy since they last crossed the international date line. That is the most toe-curling I gotta pee face north of Cape Horn. Suki’s genital scurvy is so bad she’s taken to wearing spanky pants. And, inexplicably, a scarf.

10:06 am December, 29 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

When the actual owner of this boat realizes that his skeezy boat washer is impersonating him and has invited hotts onto his yacht he will be pissed.

10:21 am December, 29 Vin Douchal said...

Gilligan and Maroon 5’s backup singers. A three hour tour through Somali would be humbling.

10:23 am December, 29 Vin Douchal said...

Ever find an Ass Pear photo and think, “Damn, I can’t wait around for Db1 to post this? ”
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Damn, I can’t wait around for Db1 to post this

10:31 am December, 29 tall guy said...

nice, Vin.

10:33 am December, 29 creature said...

…for a peach daquiri, Asiana will let you hump her backfat creases

10:39 am December, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I believe the one on his immediate left is showing us the HMS eye of asstral projection. Note the clenched toes and facial grimace. Or it could be that his snake is “just REALLY creepy”.

10:40 am December, 29 Ed Hardy Har Har said...

Can we send Honey Badger in to take care of that cobra?

10:47 am December, 29 DarkSock said...

Dayum, Vin…I want to come back as her Comfort Wipe™.
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I manage to find some weird shit on the internet but I’m amazed at the daily wonders you crazy bastards scratch up…Comfort Wipe?
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Jamaican Scratch-Hole Utensils.

10:48 am December, 29 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Pear is great.
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Pyrus Fans

10:53 am December, 29 The Dude said...

The culture of giant fake tits has ruined the joy of this pic for me — that is, what joy is left after Bagus de Boatus is done soiling it.
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I still think an invention is needed — clamp-on fake boobs that also serve as spiderman appendages, just in case one feels like climbing a skyscraper.

10:56 am December, 29 DarkSock said...

I can’t get over gentile Natalie Portman…I’d like for my yogurt tadpoles to skim down her sternum trench until they bullseye her womp-rat and the general area of her Beggar’s Canyon.
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.
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Let the Nookie win…

10:58 am December, 29 The Dude said...

Hey, is Bagus trying to do the Four Points point gesture? Crap, can’t get a link for it — y’all remember the golf cart girl?
.
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Four Points

10:59 am December, 29 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Oh Lord.
Let’s see – boxer undie reveal, garish large gold belt buckle, jesus bling, big cobra tat, big stupid sunglasses on a cloudy day, arrogant smirk………..
Yup. This guy is just BEGGING to be struck by a lightning bolt………………….

11:04 am December, 29 The Dude said...

Does this work? Four points pic

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/DB9055-716755.jpg

11:21 am December, 29 Vin Douchal said...

I hate to show you guys a photo of my cocck, but when there’s a tremendous Ass Pear doing handstand on it , well

11:21 am December, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I don’t have much time for boats anymore so I sold my kayak to an eskimo (we’re supposed to call them Inuit around here, but most of us just call them drunk) and have taken up a few humanitarian farm chores, like this.
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11:24 am December, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I would tongue box with gotta-pee-girl’s starfish until next new years in exchange for a single, awkward, over the pants rub job.

11:24 am December, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

Now I know we’re all drunk or high here so that means everything’s cool, but I don’t know, some of these chicks are like my Dad’s age. Know what I’m sayin.

11:26 am December, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Nance, you mean all 4 ages added together?

11:35 am December, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes, ah nutters, I meant to say most of you guys are their Dads age. Stupid cooking sherrytini with rubbing alcohol chaser.

11:45 am December, 29 tall guy said...

Again with the daddy issues, Dreuche…

11:51 am December, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Nance, I wish I was old enough to have a hottie daughter this age, who could bring her hottie friends over to skinny dip in the jello pit or take turns hitting and getting sapphic with the dildo bong.
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There’s no more beautiful than a smoking strap-on dildo bong bringing the hotties joy ATM style.

11:52 am December, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Should be beautiful sight.
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I tripped over my own depravity.

12:06 pm December, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, what are you talking about? My Dad is the shit. Apparently he paid too much attention to me and my Mom. Damn you perfect upbringing! It’s always such a cock block.
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@McCrudeshoes, isn’t a bong already sort of phallus shaped? Well except for this octobong I’m currently ripping fatty hits off of. It’s shaped more like an octopus as the name suggests.

1:15 pm December, 29 DarkSock said...

Damn…here I sit, stuck with just a unibong.
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I will graft seven Comfort Wipes® onto it and get all Wu Tang on that mah-fah.
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Bwee.

10:41 pm December, 29 Medusa Oblongata said...

“Comfort Wipe”.
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That’s it, I’m quitting the internets.

12:46 am December, 30 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Some folks take body modification to the next level.

5:27 am December, 30 CB Popped said...

Comfort Wipe Octobong is a good band name.

Im with McCrudeshoes,,,Id phwapp all day long to them sharing a dildo bong.

7:31 am December, 30 Eponymous Douche said...

Great pole Vin. Just fantastic wood. Simply fantastic.

7:04 pm December, 30 Stephanie said...

You know when there’s shit on your boat,all you need to do is just hose it into the water,simple.

7:46 pm December, 30 Mike in daBurg said...

HMS jail-bait is classic. Very funny. I could waste months of my life chasing tail like that, and snake tat bag just throws on “i’m better than you” shades, cracks open the OE 40s, blasts LMFAO and starts raking them in. Awesome (awful).

1:53 am December, 31 Nostradouchus said...

I submit that autodouche/bleeth status should befall anyone that has their first and only tattoo in the ribcage area.

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