Monday, October 31, 2011

Ask DB1: Halloween = Autodouche?

——-
Dear DB1,

I’m writing you concerning adults and Halloween costumes. It is my contention that anyone over the age of twelve who wear such costumes are Douche. The women who practice this seem to be living out some prostitution-fetish, submission fantasy judging by their slutty outfits. (Which I find acceptable, even admirable.)

However, grown men who engage in this behavior are either Douchebags or are apparently working out deep-seated childhood insecurities based on latent homosexuality.

Also, do you advocate the use of stool softeners in cases of chronic constipation?

Your help in these matters would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely Yours,
Backed-up in Bloomington

——-

In regards to your first query, BuiB, absolutely not. Adults dressing up for Halloween is not douchey on any level, provided the costumes are in the spirit of fun and festivity, and not an excuse to act douchey by other means (see Chaz Osborne’s caveman costume in “Back To School”).

Also, the chance to see boobie hottie suckle thighs dressed as nurses, kittens, and French maids is nothing to scoff at. Ever.

In regards to the second query, I might suggest a tablespoon full of linseed oil every morning before breakfast. Also, avoid eating too much bread and apples.

Happy Halloween!

# posted by douchebag1
2:28 pm October, 31 Vin Douchal said...

Chaz Osborne should go as Chaz Bono this year

2:35 pm October, 31 Vin Douchal said...

@ Rev Chad
.
You asked, “Are you Geraldo Rivera?”
.
No, I am not. I have neither the swagger to marry one of Kurt Vonnegut’s hippie daughters nor the cash on hand to woo and have children with hot ginger socialite CC Dyer
.
.
Say what you will about Geraldo, he’s no John Stossell and never will be, but he’s got serious game ( Al Capone’s broken moonshine bottles aside)

2:37 pm October, 31 tall guy said...

I’d say, no, not necessarily Autodouche, but certainly a growing concern that bears constant monitoring. Yes, the inherent mixed messages of not taking candy from strangers appears versus willingly accepting any drug-laced sweets from local pedos is doubtlessly confusing.Therefore rug rats do need adult supervision while out’n’about on their lolly-gathering missions. Although why the adults feel the need to dress the part is what’s in question. It’s a question of dignity, by which I mean not having any.
Breeders. They’re a breed of their own…

2:38 pm October, 31 tall guy said...

correc. remove that ‘appears’ and it’s almost readable.

2:38 pm October, 31 Wedgie said...

Thanks for the Oingo Boingo; been a while. Hard to believe Danny Elfman scores fuccen movies now, following the likes of Jerry Goldsmith. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
.
.
Regarding the query above, if you can’t get (literally) behind women dressing up all cute & slutty, move to the Middle East. You’ll never have to worry about it again. And you may be able to participate in some stonings, if that floats your boat.
Of course, finding a decent martini is a bit of a challenge.
.
..
Mullahs.

2:40 pm October, 31 Wedgie said...

^Oh yeah, I forgot. Guys dressing up on Halloween is ok. As long as you don’t go around as George Michael, showing everyone your Halloweenis.

2:55 pm October, 31 DB Sweeney said...

Jason! I’m your father, you don’t lie to me… you lie to girls.

4:09 pm October, 31 Anonymous said...

Feh. Halloween has become the one day of the year for nasty, dumpy women to showcase their cottage cheese thighs in costumes that were made for women a hundred pounds lighter. I agree with BIB’s assertation that “The women who practice this seem to be living out some prostitution-fetish, submission fantasy judging by their slutty outfits.” Indeed. These are the same skanks who will slap you for looking at their tits the rest of the year, and then parade them around as a costume on Halloween. News flash, you cunts: Animal ears plus lingerie does not a costume make. It makes you a chick in her underwear with cat ears on her head. The ears are not necessary. Just get naked and get it over with, it’s your one day to be the slut you really are and not feel guilty. They say the Halloween costume tells you a lot about the person’s subconscious. See a chick in a slutty getup? You know who’s gonna let you teabag her behind closed doors.
.
Wait a second. I’m dressed like Gene Simmons. However, my penis envy isn’t really a secret, so I’m not too worried.
.
Happy Hollow Weenie, candy-baggers.

4:10 pm October, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

^Damnit, forgot to log in again.

4:11 pm October, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

And pineapple is a great answer to constipation.

4:33 pm October, 31 hermit said...

^wouldn’t that be tongue envy?

4:57 pm October, 31 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Anonymous/Medusa, I’ve never dressed up as slutty anything for Halloween, (I think the closest I’ve come is when I went as Aroused Robot but I was fully covered and had blinking robot genitalia) but I have enjoyed a behind closed doors teabagging on occasion. And I’m usually pretty sensibly dressed at other times too. What say you?

5:01 pm October, 31 Nancy Dreuche said...

As for constipation, just drink coffee. Stool softeners are a pussy’s way out of getting poop out of your butthole. Why don’t I have my own advice column yet?

5:18 pm October, 31 soy bomb said...

The one and only acceptable All Hallow’s Eve
costume this year is blackface.

6:22 pm October, 31 Nancy Dreuche said...

@soy bomb, Jay Z has 99 problems and honkeys dressing up as him for Halloween is definitely one.

7:47 pm October, 31 doucheywallnuts said...

I have a bigger problem with women who aren’t willing to live out some prostitution-fetish, submission fantasy by wearing their slutty outfits and acting on their bi-curious curiosities.

8:08 pm October, 31 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DoucheyWallnuts, I guess we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Men are so indecisive and finicky. “Dress like a slut!” “Wait, why are you dressed like such a slut?” It’s on the same level of annoyance as when women turn their mates into living dolls by telling them what to wear and buying them product to put in their hair. Can’t we just agree to stop torturing eachother and bang the shit out of eachother regardless of what we are wearing? Why must I dress up in all black leather to let you know I’m down for a little Slap and Moan? I have a dream….I know my speech needs some work but you get the jist.

9:03 pm October, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

^ Word. And teabagging is only for when you’re in love. I found that shit is pretty serious for dudes, they get all wacko afterwards, just like a woman does when the dude says the L-word. I practically had to get restraining orders.
.
Another conundrum: “You look pretty with no makeup.” So she doesn’t put on makeup. then ol’ dude is like, “Are you sick or something?”

9:10 pm October, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

And I will confess to dressing slutty for halloween. But I was under 23, drunk off my ass, and about 15 pounds lighter. However, I dressed slutty every day, so it wasn’t a departure. I had a epiphany once when a super-gothed out friend of mine was discussing her halloween costume. She said she was going as a vampire. So, basically, she was going to wear her every day clothes, and put in plastic fangs. My boyfriend at the time, bless his lancing acumen, I miss that terribly, said this to her: “For halloween, you’re supposed to dress up as the opposite of what you are. For you, you should go as a cheerleader and wear all pink and a blonde wig.” A light bulb went off in my head that day, and it’s been on since.
.
So mow I’m all growed up and somewhat more respectable, and too embarrassed to expose my carcass in public. And I find it way better to go for the full-coverage costumes that really blow people’s minds. The Gene Simmons was a huge hit, especially when people heard a girl’s voice come out. I’ve won costume contests out the wazoo since I gave up the half-nekkid-with-animal-ears thing as a costume.

9:12 pm October, 31 Medusa Oblongata said...

…by the by, I wonder how BVG is holding up right about now….

12:19 am November, 1 Jacques Doucheteau said...

BIB is laying down a very unequal, chauvinistic standard that has no real basis in logical observation. His sweeping generalizations are beyond the realm of laughable satire, and barely deserve a passing snort of dismissive contempt.
.
I get the impression that this guy is the type of bloke who thinks two guys kissing are faggots which precipitates some sort of redneck beatdown, but that when two chicks make out it’s “fucking sweet!” His use of the contrived phrase “deep-seated childhood insecurities based on latent homosexuality” as some sort of insult betrays his own homophobia, thereby negating his attempts at making a rational argument.
.
Of all the folks to write in and make such broad declarative statements as to what constitutes a douchebag, this guy effortlessly embodies the narcissistic, discriminatory, sociopathic behaviors that define a true douchebag.

12:24 am November, 1 Jacques Doucheteau said...

As to your constipation conundrum, DIB, I second Medusa’ pineapple cure.
.
However for guaranteed effectiveness in your case, might I suggest that pineapple be best applied by forcefully shoving it up your black cherry, working it around real good, then sending a thirsting ferret up there to dig it out. That may alleviate a couple other nagging conditions you seem to be suffering from.
.
Best of luck.

12:36 am November, 1 Jacques Doucheteau said...

@ Medusa,
BVG is tired from working like a crazy dog that ‘s working like crazy. I actually ran into him for the first time in Portland on Saturday evening at his Museum of Horrors when I rolled through town.
.
He was working the crowd as I was standing in line for Fright Night. As he passed by I asked if Plinky’s mom was part of the exhibit. His double-take was priceless.
.
I thanked him for the enjoyable evening on the way out, we exchanged fist bumps and kind words, and that was that. The man is a genius performer, and puts on a fabulous production.

3:25 am November, 1 Baron Von Goolo said...

BVG is indeed tired. But not too tired to wish you toxic bitches a Happy Halloween.

4:11 am November, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Must sleip too drunk for Wednesday mnorning. Fuccink rotrmn littl kibs. AOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
.
Sos

5:34 am November, 1 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Medusa, re: teabagging. You are right, its one of those things dudes are always yammering on about and then when you do it they can’t handle it in a casual sense, that and swallowing. The more you know….

8:06 am November, 1 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

^^I, for one, am all for casual teabagging. I’m a charter member of CTOS, the Casual Teabagging and Origami Society. We through a hell of a Christmas party, but you have to watch out for paper cuts.

8:07 am November, 1 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

or throw even.

11:00 am November, 1 DarkSock said...

Chase a bag of Olestra chips with a quart of baby oil.
.
Thank me later.

6:48 pm November, 1 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Crudeshoes, just to be clear I only teabag brass balls, if I’ve got to looking for them and coax them out, deal breaker.

2:17 am November, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Nancy, how did you know? My balls have been quite literally brass since shortly after the accident. I took some steel balls for a test drive, but found they don’t corner nearly as well.
.
I’m not supposed to talk much until the lawsuit is over, but word to the wise: they only call them “riding lawnmowers”. Believe it or not they fully expect you to “drive”. It a fuccin false advertising.

Leave a Reply

What is 13 + 8 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)