Monday, January 9, 2012

Johnny Bro Tans Ashley Pear

Johnny Bro got the moves like Jagger.

Marty Jagger. An 84 year old retired mailman living in Sherman, Ohio.

Ashley Pear offers curves of sweet nectar juices of orgiastic pre-Christian God phantasms. Her upper thigh area plays harmonic lute symphonies in the key of D minor. The saddest key.

# posted by douchebag1
2:24 pm January, 9 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

This juxtaposition of succulent nubility and clueless blandness reminds me of Ayn Rand’s seminal work, Atlas Sharted.

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Johnny Bro is so bland he has to wear peppermint cologne just to keep people from falling asleep while talking to him.

2:25 pm January, 9 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I’m totally with the guy in the back who is about to get up and beat the living shit out of him for (1) being near her and (2) just being alive. You can’t see his right hand but he’s going for the spear gun. He’s my new hero.

2:27 pm January, 9 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

She’s just being nice to him because he has a vestigial penis growing out of his sternum.

2:34 pm January, 9 Wedgie said...

That’s a willing victim if I ever saw one. He gets a notta from me, and as you all know, I don’t give those out very often. And a note to Doc Bunsen, that guy in the background is a fuccen hairy-backed walrus, and he’s reaching for a donut, not a spear gun.

2:44 pm January, 9 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

She’s pulling down his shorts, he’s got his hand pushing her head down. John Largeman in the background decides he needs to join a gym and start shaving his back and crotch if he’s going to compete on this beach.

2:44 pm January, 9 Sir Huddleston Fuddleston said...

Dear Baghunters, this leads me to a question. It’s a loooong story, but I’ve decided to grow a beard. I’m not a wannabe, I can grow one (unlike Johnny Depp), and I’m over 30. However, now that the thing is starting to come in, I see beards, incipient or fuller, on every hipster doofus and raging douchebag. It makes me want to shave it off, if they’re that popular. What say you? Are beards (or bearding people, not fully bearded) autodouche?

2:44 pm January, 9 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

That looks suspiciously like a bottle of fine IPA. Probably needs the hoppy goodness to wash away the oppressive blandness of Johnny Bro.

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Johnny Bro is so bland, Japanese tourists ritualistically eat wasabi before committing seppuku in order to escape another story about what Johnny and his bros did that one summer at the shore.

2:45 pm January, 9 boone doggle said...

I wondered why I began weeping when I first laid eyes upon her. Now I know why.

…and by weeping, I mean pre-ejaculate.

…laid means laid.

2:46 pm January, 9 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Ashley just realized there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

3:23 pm January, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Beards under 30 in the modern day are very fey/ghey unless they are worn by manly men, which there are very few of beside NFL and NHL players, playoffs not included and Giants players exempt because they are soon to be Superbowl Champions, and dudes born before 1977. And that chick is super-duper hot.

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Fucking Neckbeards

3:55 pm January, 9 tall guy said...

@ Magnum Douche, re. the back hair. I’ve a few tufts & I was on the beach this morning. I spotted a female jogger doing an usual exercise on the sand just as I was exiting the water. I made sure our paths crossed, in a non creepy way, and asked her about the exercise pertinent to back trouble/pain. Anyway, she pulled a demo, which involved a fairly gymnastic position; the type that most men doubtlessly have fantasies about. I thanked her for the info and we briefly exchanged pleasantries. The subject of age came up – she was 40-ish, while I went with the truth – which prompted the comment ‘you look fabulous!’ I take it that meant back tufts and all. Probably blown any chance w/ Dreuche with this back-hair-reveal story. She’d like ‘em hairless. Pity and all, but honesty’n’stuff.

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RazorBacks

4:07 pm January, 9 Vin Douchal said...

Goatees are were it’s at. Full beards are for mountain men, college professors, lady circus freaks and the above mentioned Stanley Cup drives

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Brohammers

4:10 pm January, 9 Sir Huddleston Fuddleston said...

Why is his hair black and his goatee brown? But yes, that episode was the bomb.

4:12 pm January, 9 Sir Huddleston Fuddleston said...

Oh, and if anything seems to be sported by aging losers these days, it’s the goatee. Ever watch ESPN? Every paunchy, pasty balding sports “writer” is sporting one, which only makes serves to put a big exclamation point on his pudgy face. I guess I despise goatees, is what I’m saying.

4:53 pm January, 9 Wedgie said...

Dan Hagerty and Chuck Norris had the only beards I ever liked. Well, maybe John Matuszak’s in North Dallas Forty, too.

The rest of the world pretty much looks bad in ‘em.

Mrs. Wedgie thinks they make guys’ faces look like hairy pussies.

Kind of hard to argue with that logic, ain’t it?

5:12 pm January, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

“the key of D minor. The saddest key.” I see what you did there too DB1, another great reference and one of thee best movies ever.

5:31 pm January, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^”Spock”. “hairy pussies”.

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Only person I take seriously are Merlin Olsen and my dad.

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If you neckbeard coddling nations elect Obama again, and you know I love the Mulattos, you are committing nationcide.

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The term “nationcide” was copywritten (copryrighted) by The Reverend Chad Kroeger and his AKA’s at 8:12 eastern standard time in The Province of Ontario, in The Commonwealth of Canada, under Constitutuional Discharge by Her Majesty The New York Giants.

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Squires

5:31 pm January, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^with beards

5:32 pm January, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^dudes

5:34 pm January, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Queen Elizabeth

5:44 pm January, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

If you pick your ass and your poop has E.Coli can you infect yourself with food you prepared. ‘Cause you know you don’t wash your hands after you scratch the liitle paper balls out of your diarrhea paper on Sunday mornings.

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Now I know a dog can’t catch it’s own fleas and Oprah can’t cause herself to weigh 350 pounds in the skinny lens and Jim Croce can’t catch Jesus because he’s a Hebrew National weiner. And Margot Kidder can’t catch a full set of teeth, but godnangit that Princess Leah ain’t looking much better after her diet but I bet she could catch a bone in Biloxi better than a Saint on a tebow pass.

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And that fucking Newt Gingrich is on a roll like a St.Lois hamdog on a pigcow in the midst o

6:15 pm January, 9 hermit said...

Ashley stands nearly six foot tall. She glides along the beach, stately and statuesque, smooth as Nyquil® on a summer’s night. Her slender hips have never been burdened by child-bearing and the flesh toned two piece cover up her special parts like fluffy clouds over the Nebraska Territories.

She spends her nights sucking filtered cigarettes through tense, bloodless lips and her days chugging imported dark beer. Her vacant eyes peer out through mirrored shades like a scripted actress in a Shakespearian Soap Opera.

She wears her tawny hair about her shoulders like a lioness, and wears Johnny Bro like an albatross around her neck.

6:55 pm January, 9 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

@fuddleduddle. “I liked beards before beards were cool, now that everyone has one I’m shaving mine off.”!!??? That’s hipsterbag talk, traitor!

7:11 pm January, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

These two are probably doing it right now. Real talk.

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@tall guy, chest hair preferred over waxed. And as long as its not a full blown pelt like I assume RevChad has, a little back hair is not that bad.

7:13 pm January, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

Goatsees, as I like to call them are for aging hipsters and fat dudes. No offense. Neck beards are still tits though.

7:51 pm January, 9 Stephanie said...

You just have to feel sorry for this guy, since he’s so boring.

8:13 pm January, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Stephanie, his hott is trying to rip his clothes off. Obviously he’s got something going on. Still waters run deep, yo.

8:27 pm January, 9 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

I thought Nancy and Stephanie were one in the same ? my bad.

8:34 pm January, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@MPI, obviously you still have much to learn when it comes to online detecting. It’s cool. Someday you’ll get to that next level shit.

9:43 pm January, 9 tall guy said...

Dreuche, what about shoulder hair? Not identifying here, but how are you with that? I’d of thought if there’s one place a dude needs to be hairless, it’s his shoulders. But what do I know?

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I’ve just visited a friend in hospital. While doing so his ex-wife (58, fairly well preserved – and slight mayan eye of coitus, which isn’t to be overlooked) and his 18yo daughter (or should say… “like, I’m 18, mum…”) were also there. Anyway, the mate’s ex appeared quite taken by my charm, humour and all round game. What’s the etiquette? They’ve been separated for over a decade. Need I consult the mate. I’m afraid he’ll kinda pimp her and say, ‘yeah, go for it!’ Not sure that’d be good for him in his present state. The hospital he’s in is a “clinic” and he’s a “client,” if you get my drift.

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Old dames.

10:36 pm January, 9 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Stupid sunglasses and a hint of butterface notwithstanding, Ashley looks rather delectable and luscious. Despite some douchiness on the part of Johnny Bro, I’d be willing to give him a pass this time. However – any increase in douche bling or ANY attempt to put his scrotal paws on Ashley, and I’m gettin’ my 12 gauge……

11:11 pm January, 9 fatness said...

Has anyone checked on the Rev lately? Looks above like he may have finally shorted himself out…

1:16 am January, 10 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Yeah, she’s cute enough.

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But there’s no way in smeg she holds a candle to the nerdgasm that is Chloë Annett, of the infamous BBC series Red Dwarf.

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http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/gallery/chloe-annett/images/chloe-03.jpg

3:04 am January, 10 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

If you’re a moslem better grow a beard, or they will castrate you. If you’re not a moslem, just grow a pair, not a beard. :)

6:07 am January, 10 creature said...

notta…she’s smokin’ hotttt…move along

6:10 am January, 10 creature said...

…& by ‘move along’ I mean that I hope he turns AP into a hand puppet & makes her sing an aria in portugese & posts it on Redtube…cuz I would watch that shit!

6:49 am January, 10 The Dude said...

I peed on a beach once.

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Okay, lotsa times.

7:17 am January, 10 Hurl Scheibe said...

They need to invent an even sadder key at the thought of Ashley Pear licking Johnny Bro’s love pump. For that makes me weep faster and harder than the Key of Dm.

7:37 am January, 10 SortaDamocles said...

I was going to say something about Ashley finding the only use for such a tiny penis is as a backscratcher, but….

Hermit FTW.

8:04 am January, 10 Medusa Oblongata said...

RE: Beards: I thought you should have a lady’s opinion, but you’re getting mine instead. I’m on the fence about beards. Papa Oblongata always had one. He was a white-collar man and had one of those nice, silvery beards that you see on aging execs and I always thought it was a quite dashing look. On the flip side, I do love me some bluegrass, so a big ol’ hillbilly beard never bothered me, either. However, seeing a ratty-ass beard on a well-dressed man irks the hell out of me. And a ratty-ass hillbilly beard on a dude who’s blogging away on an iPad at Starbucks makes me want to disembowel a baby squirrel.

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Mr. Biscotti is growing a beard. And I don’t mean ‘trying’, I mean, the thing is sucking out his life force, it’s so intense after three days. He’s an off-the boat Italian, for those of you not in the know. The thing is rough as hell and I don’t want to be rude and say it’s bugging the hell out of me, but it is. I know it’ll soften up in short order. As long as he keeps it reasonably trimmed it’ll be fine. He’s going rather gray and I like that. Freud was right. But it’s starting to remind me of Serpico. If you have dark hair, Sir Fuddleston, I say go for it and fuck all the hipsters. Nothing is cooler than pissing off hipsters. You will also attract some crazy ladies but that might be worth it.

8:31 am January, 10 Benjamin Doucheraeli said...

(Formerly Champagne Katie’s whatever’s whatevs)

I believe this gentleman has movements like Jagger. Which don’t look very healthy.

Goatees under 30 are only for those with fencing skills. And puffy shirts. I’m good there on both counts. Most are just herpsters.

8:39 am January, 10 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

How many times do I have to tell you Ashley- No glass bottles on the beach. Do you want some kid running through here with blood pouring out of her foot? Now get your hands of the towel boy and get back into the room.

7:19 pm January, 10 Nostradouchus said...

Poor dude on the right. Straight into poo.

11:52 pm January, 10 Stephanie said...

@Nancy: she may be only ripping his clothes off,cuz she wants to make fun of him,and it isn’t sexual,it’s to embarrass him. Kind of a pull and run.

2:26 pm January, 16 Geoffrey said...

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