Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Welder Vixens

This little blond welder vixen is so fantastic I want to juggle twizzlers while breakdancing to the classic early 80s Bonnie Tyler hit, “I Need a Hero.” Oh, like you’ve never breakdanced to Bonnie Tyler. Be honest now.

She is just painfully hot in that overwhelming sharp pains in the eyeballs way. Her brunette friend would normally be the hero of a HCwD pic in her own right, but in this case she has to play second viola to our little construction worker hottie.

That derriere is fantastic. I want to bake cupcakes in its honor. Little vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting. Mmm… cupcakes.

Note I haven’t commented on Archy McEyebrow, with his choke collar, designer muscle-t and of course his need to make Bag Hand Gesture #1. I have nothing to say about this putz. He has polluted my blond manual labor engaging angel with his presence. And for that crime, I will go and floss.

Never forget to floss. Your teeth will thank you.

The Quarterbag

A reader snapped this pic of rookie NFL quarterback Matt Leinart doing his best douchebag impression as he speads his scrote on this poor young-Britney type hottie.

Oh who am I kidding? This guy’s a millionaire, buff, plays in the NFL and gets more tail than Wilt Chamberlain circa ’68. I’m sitting around in my robe sipping a plastic cup of the ‘Train and wondering if stuffing six Little Debbie’s Snack Cakes into my mouth at once would be physically possible.

Well, I can’t pull the hottie tail that Leinart does, and I sure ain’t making millions, but there’s one thing I can say to this guy: douchebag.

It helps a little.

Zen Wisdom and Surviving this Scrote

I don’t normally do warnings, as any good HCwD pic should be able to inspire that classic vortex of anger, depression, hilarity and arousal. However this one seems particularly cruel. It may inspire some head smashing into monitors. So when gazing on its extreme douchebaggery/hotness, take a step back, breathe and find your centered place.

To help get you through this image, I offer up the Zen wisdom of Buddha Gautama, from 600 B.C.:

Whatever is material shape, past, future, present, subjective or objective, gross or subtle, mean or excellent, whether it is far or near – all material shape should be seen by perfect intuitive wisdom as it really is: “This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self.” Whatever is feeling, whatever is perception, whatever are habitual tendencies, whatever is consciousness, past, future, present, subjective or objective, gross or subtle, mean or excellent, whether it is far or near – all should be seen by perfect intuitive wisdom as it really is: “This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self.”

Nope. I still want to dunk this knob in a giant vat of cayenne pepper.

Dancing Cheek to Cheek

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Speaking of douchebags. Anyone have a flamethrower handy?

I suppose I could make the obvious “butthead” and “assface” jokes but, really, how dignified would that be?

Instead I’ll simply mock these two holes for showing ‘Bag Hand Gestures #34 and #28 while raising the intriguing question — if you had a derriere as perfect as those two cantalopes behind you, would you really be thinking about what hand gesture to make for a camera on the opposite side?

Absolutely Abulous

Absent any abductions I’ve abdicated my abhorent behavior so I can absolutely absolve all of my abling blings of their abilities.

My favorite Genesis album is “Abacab.” But Abba still sucks.

So what you’re saying, DB1, is you like that chick’s abs?

Yes.

Yes I am.

As to the scrote, look at that series of ovals that calls itself a face. I can’t tell if it’s human or an M.C. Escher fever dream nightmare.

High Holy 'Bags

In honor of the upcoming High Holy Days, our favorite Jewish ‘Bags are back for a little lime-green tie action. Seems they’ve caught a coupla nice Catholic girls, who, rumor has it, start much too late.

But sooner or later it comes down to fate.

It might as well be two douchebags.

The Onion

Looks like The Onion is still ripping off my bits. Just like they did back in April after we featured a bunch of N.H. pics. What’s up with that?

Speaking of, now’s a good time for the ole plug for pics. If ya got a fantastic pic of a sexy hottie posing with an utter skeeze, and I’m talking the type that makes you want to drive into a telephone poll, email it along to me at douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com. If I use it on the site you’ll get… well… on your deathbed you’ll reach total consciousness. So you got that going for you.

Where's Waldouche?

Somewhere, hidden in this pic, there’s Waldouche.

Can you find him?

The Scrote Ranger

Whenever ‘bags attack a hottie… The Scrote Ranger is there…. Whenever big teethed hee-haws grab at the Holy Cleavite… The Scrote Ranger is There!… Srooooottteee Ranger!…

All hail The Scrote Ranger!

Poised with red backwards visor, white shirt layered with another white shirt, and hands at the ready, The Scrote Ranger will be there.

Oh yes. He will be there.

By the way, nice apartment kids. I’d feel cleaner brushing my teeth with Tommy Lee’s toothrush and rinsing with Paris Hilton’s backwash.

The Little Mermaid and the Coney Island Whitefish

I always wondered what happened to Ariel. Little did I know she’d end up dating a Coney Island Whitefish. Speaking of CIW here, what is that thing on his head? It’s like all his fungle migrated north to try to fill in his bald spot.

New Rule to ‘Bag Status: If your shirt has some ironic statement about what a dick you are,… uhm… you’re a… well… a dick. Wait, I need to think that one through a little bit more. I think I just ruptured space/time.

I want to ferry Ariel off to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, where I will ply her with Night Train while Marty McFly plays guitar and nearly disappears. Or am I mixing my film references again?

And if you don’t know what a Coney Island Whitefish is… that’s probably a good thing.