Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Bugs Bunny/Peter Lorre Douche

This dude is like the Bugs Bunny version of Peter Lorre. I can’t tell whether I’m amused or afraid. He keeps staring at me. I look away, then I look back, and Bugs Bunny Lorre is still staring. Stop staring at me!!

Laura Dern Hottie’s not that hot, but then again, neither is Laura Dern.

The 'Bag Within

I see this pic not literally but as a visual metaphor. As figurative representation. This isn’t just a happy couple and a skeezy scrote, but a signifier for what I like to call “The ‘Bag Within.” The Primal Douche that lurks in the deep, dark subconscious of the American Dream.

On the left we have a happy go lucky all American Aryan couple, looking forward to future years of healthy blond children, SUVs and a dysfunctional sex life.

But on the inside of this square chinned corn-fed American boy lies something sinister. A deep, primal source-douche lurking among his tighty whiteys and subscription to Vanity Fair.

The Primal Douche. The ‘Bag Within.

It rages. It struggles to free itself. Among Strapping Lad and his perky young co-ed girlfriend, there lies the urge to morph into a skeezy tongue-bag. To wear bizarre wool coats and leer obnoxiously at a camera, his tongue stained with a thousand cheap wines. His breath stinking of the salmon he had for lunch.

It is The Freudian Primal Trauma Douche that lurks beneath the surface polish of All-American veneer. The rotting scrote that underlies even those happy couples who make your fiancee feel like crap because the diamond wasn’t big enough.

Do not be fooled by surface polish or cavity free teeth. Within even Ivory Snow lies a lurking source douche waiting to reveal itself for all to see in its skeezy, creepy-ass glory.

Or am I reading too much into a nasty old dude crowding into a pic?

Lohan and The Greasebag Twins

In honor of the great trainwreck Lindsey Lohan, the future ex-Mrs. DB1, here’s a Lohan type Hottie looking all sorts of bubble yum hot to keep us warm on a Thursday. Of course she’s embracing two knobs right on the gaybag/stubblebag border known as Scroatia.

Heck, for all I can tell, that is The Lohan.

But whether its her, or one of her baby friends, either way I’ll still be staring at a computer screen. So does it really matter if it’s Lohan or Lohan-clone? All I know is these smug, stubbley tools need that paperback copy of “I’m a Douchebag, You’re a Douchebag” shoved up their collective asses before Lohan Hottie realizes what she’s embracing.

Come to me, Lohan. We will drink papaya juice and chant the Zoastrian prayer for the Sun while I rub linseed oil on your thighs.

Kissy McLeguizamo

This hottie really gets around. As to Kissy McLeguizamo, no you ain’t Spanish Elvis. Get your hands off my butterfly before I set your chest pubes on fire with a lighter and a can of Raid.

I do have to give it up to this pud for synchronizing his shirt’s bead pattern with his date’s costume. That’s actually too creative for a ‘bag. So we’ll take back one point. Then deduct another fifteen for that facial expression. Nice kiss, purple lips.

As to that last pic’s ‘bag status, read the fine print, people. Read the fine print.

'Bag / Not a 'Bag III

Here’s another pic I’m having a hard time deciding on ‘bag status…

Just testing to see if you were awake.

Yup, this is the legendary White Chocolate, once again performing his douchemagic on a fully Stage IV Bleethed/Griecoed long lost hottie. Pity her. There is no coming back.

Cig behind ear is a classic. W.C’s ass-chin is also pretty phenomenal. Aqua Blue tie and that mystifying facial pube-cut definitely earn W.C. a display in a corner of the Hall o’ Scrote.

'Bag / Not a 'Bag

I was curious to see if Grizzly Adams facial hair would be enough to render a dude at least a level-one ‘Bag status, but agree with consensus that Midwest Student Beard Boy was not a ‘bag.

Here’s another stumper. Note the dual collar shirts, and general douchey expression. But without clear signs of ‘baggitude, this pud is a hard nut to quantify.

What say you? ‘Bag or not a ‘Bag?

As to Subcontinent Hottie, mmm… babaganoush…

Carrot Douche

Uhm. Yeah.

At what point does dressing up as a mock douche become actual douche?

HCwD of the Week: The 'Bagsgiver

Guess there was never any doubt. You put two little pink balls of fluff and a raging pimple of scrote in a 70s sauna, and the urge to kill is overwhelming.

It’s gonna be a brutal HCwD of the Month douche-off next week. All sorts of hair gel flying, bling swinging, sunglass breaking, smirking, douchitude and hotness all spinning around a giant existential blender that makes you question God, morality and whether Fig Newtons are better than Oreos or not. I say yes.

As to the breakdown, while The ‘Bagsgiver ran away with things, there was certainly some love (and by “love” I mean spew) thrown at Doucherole and Tree. As Mitch Meats put it:

Obviously, #1 wins hands-down this week and probably HCwDotY, if there is one. This is mainly based on the juggernaut strength of the hotties in question. Even though you cannot see their faces, they are clearly keen on running around naked, which makes them both stars in my book. It’s as if the DB in question is studying the natives of some far-off, third-world, wood-panelled civilization of sluttery. However, ‘Bagsigiving/Doucherole’s pose in #3 is infinitely more offensive because you can actually see his eyes looking at you and the tongue which he is presumably going to be be plunging into that little morsel later this evening.

It’s as if he is mocking my soul.

As to my love for Tree’s hottie (and I do love her), Danny Bonnadouchey did some investigative work that puts us all to shame:

#2 gets my vote. I am ashamed of all you long time bag-bashers, but especially you, DB1. How can you claim to be in love with this girl, when you did not even recognize her from her previous appearance on this site, early in its lifeline? I knew I had seen this beauty somewhere before, so I did a little digging through the archives, or “douchecives”. Stumbling through past classics like “Giraffe Bag”, I found my prey in the May 2006 archives. Might I refer you to “The Da Douchey Code”? That’s right my friends, I went old school on you all. She is the winner.

As to the hottie that I do love, and her ‘bag, Tree, mickey o’douche sees the merit of the covert HCwD pic. One that’s not as overtly painful as something like ‘Bagsgiver, yet creeps up on you over repeated viewings until you want to grab a golf club and Jack Nicholson someone’s car:

I’ll say this about #2, he’s a strong, very strong crypto douche, even leaving aside the sweetest chica by his side. (Worst part, she actually likes him — she’s contorting both her hands just so she can touch his two-tube gelled up hair and orangutan hairy arms (is it just me, or did he gel that fur on his forearms?)). I mean, good god, look how long his face is – it’s like one of the kennedy’s faces were made of silly putty and someone just started pulling on the chin.

bad news, DB1, I’m going over to the dark side. If las chicas bonitas rain down on scuzzbuckets such as these, I’m signing up for the graduate school at Douchebag U. (first month’s curriculum will answer questions such as these: Gel 101: “is there such thing as too much gel,” to “is there any part of the body that should not be gelled” to the really tricky ones — “if I’m running out of gel, should I cancel my evening plans to restock at walgreen’s, or can I skip gelling the pubes?”; Synthetic Fabrics for Idiots: “if it aint made of petroleum, it’s not worth having in the closet”); Bling for Dings: “Sources for convincing fake gold?” “Neck strengthening exercises to support 15 lbs. of chains while dancing to house music?” “gestures that won’t trigger dreaded chain-whiplash.” Damn these scrotes, I’m hereby giving away all my natural fibers to charity, and getting me some polyesters and learning the answer to the ultimate douche conundrum: “is it better to throw down hand gesture #3b or to help cover up hotties’ breasts for them?” Damn you, #1.

Hmmm… “Douchebag U.” I like it. Maybe we should set up a Learning Annex course.

But for this week, it was The ‘Bagsgiver in a runaway. As greekbag puts it, this one was never in doubt:

wow this is a landslide of epic proportions. And I hate to be the conformist, but Bagsgiver is taking this one down. Even though its hard to look away from my four best friends in that picture, one is easily repulsed when they contemplate Porcupine Bag. This has to be one of the more impressive gel jobs I have seen a douchebag put together on this site. But what really gets me is the sunglasses + robe combination. What, is it too sunny in that sauna? However, lets not lie to ourselves. I mean, hes bad, but weve seen worse. Heck, to reference the fine investigative work of scrote m. walsh, this pic is not even his worst display of douchebaggery, as it is truly realized in doucherole. Its the hotties that put #1 on top this week.

And douche t. bagwell hypothesizes on #1’s backstory with all sorts of wrongness:

This photo raises all kinds of questions in me, like I’m doing an anthropological study on an alien species. Who the hell took this photo??? Is it Bag Part Deux, or Hottie Number Three? And when Black Panties Hottie withdraws her face from contact with Bagsgiver’s head, does wiping the gel off to preserve her excellent complexion require a moist towel, or can it be done with garden variety napkin?

While #2 does feature a vicious combination of hotness and douchery, only #1 causes me to doubt Darwin’s theory of evolution.

It hurts. It hurts because it’s true.

…otW shortly

It’s a runaway doucheslide for HCwDotW…. So many hilarous comments in the comments section, I want to cut and paste a few. So first thing’s first. Shower, scope to get the taste of Patron tequila out of my mouth, and a nice bowl of mini-wheats…

Toi

Middle finger or gesture to his sweat stain? I can’t tell if that flag’s Irish or Italian, but if I was either I’d want to kick this pud’s ass back to Douchistan.

As to “Moi,” voulez vous something or other.

Your shoulder makes me want to yodel.