Turkey Doucherole
1. Preheat oven to 325°F. Check the wrapper to see how much the turkey weighs and determine approximate cooking time. Remove the giblet bag and the neck from the turkey cavity. Wash the turkey inside and out and pat skin dry with paper towels. Be sure to clean off any excess hair grease or bling.
2. Remove sunglasses and douchebaggey shirt. Remove the hottie. She will be part of dessert.
3. Place turkey breast side up on a rack in a shallow (about 2 inches deep) roasting pan. Insert meat thermometer in thigh. Don’t worry, turkey douche is used to this. Add 1/2 cup water to the bottom of pan, if desired.
3. Cover turkey loosely with a tent of heavy-duty aluminum foil. Roast the turkey until temperature in the innermost part of the thigh reaches 165°F as measured with a food thermometer. Check the tongue and the thickest part of the breast. You may choose to cook the turkey to higher temperatures. Cooking time will vary. For example, a 180 pound turkey will take 4 1/4 to 5 hours to cook, check the temperature on the thermometer after 4 1/4 hours.
4. Meanwhile, mix the stuffing or dressing. Place in a casserole and pop it into the oven during the last hour or so of roasting time.
5. Remove the foil tent after 1 to 1 1/2 hours of cooking time to brown the skin. Brush with vegetable oil to enhance browning, if desired.
7. Allow the turkey to set 20 to 30 minutes before carving to allow juices to saturate the meat evenly.
Note: Cooking times do vary. Why? There are many reasons – oven temperature may not be completely accurate, the turkey douchebag may be very cold or partially frozen, and/or the roasting pan may be too small which inhibits the flow of hair grease. The USDA highly recommends use of a meat thermometer in the turkey douche’s thigh or ass to determine just what a total scrotebag he is.
