Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Pornstar Pudster

There’s a special circle of douchebag hell reserved for what I like to term the “Pornstar Pudster.” These wanks seek out locations were stripper type chicks are forced to pose with them, and then bust conquering douchebag hand gestures and expressions like they just won the Indy 500 of hot chick headlocking.

This means you, Pudster.

It’s not impressive to corral three hotties who are paid by the hour to pretend to like you. Now take off the mandana, go back to Aunt Silvia’s basement, and get back to what you do best — fondling yourself to repeats of “Melrose Place.”

Bleeth/Scrote Fusion

Another example of when Bleeth/Scrote merge into one singular ball of douchitude. These Wonder Twins of stank violate all norms of acceptable “social” douchebaggery. They are users of the uber-douche. Multicolored fingernail ‘bag may be the same wank from last week, which naturally means we should mock him double-time.

Weep for this lost cutie, as douche-infected as any we’ve had on the site. Stage 4-Bleeth, of which there is no return from the dark side.

Naturally I’d still love her in creepy and inappropriate ways.

HCwD of the Week: All-American Hottie Douche Off

There’s no real theme to this week’s selection of hottie/scrote comingling, just the three pics that jumped out at me as the most douche worthy for finalist consideration. Actually there is a semi-theme, which is the All American hotness of the hotties. Three sweet girl next door types. You know, the type that flash their panties and then drive with you to CostCo to see how much the 64 pack of Minute Maid Lite is.

Okay, maybe not. Anyways, without further ado, here are the finalists for the coveted HCwD of the Week:

HCwD of the Week Finalist #1: Douche Vortex

This vaguely Judd Nelson looking uvula isn’t that high on the douche factor, but there are enough budding signs to hint at impending Grieco Virus overload.

Certainly douche-face, creepy ‘bag headlock and of course the greasy forehead all qualify this pud for at least a stage-2 ‘bag status.

And there’s just something about Sally Mae here, or maybe Jenny Lee, that makes me love life more than a six pack of HoHos and a cold glass of vodka spiked milk.

HCwD of the Week Finalist #2: Mega Man

It’s hard to argue with a late 80s videogame classic. Watching Donkey Douche win a couple of weeks ago bodes well for the E! Douche Hollywood Story comeback of Mega Man here.

My only fear is that bizarre facial hair is some form of gang insignia and Mega Man’s going to come and bust a cap in my ass. In which case let me state that Mega Man is a scholar and a gentleman, and I would sip Lapsang Souchong tea with him while reading Beckett.

HCwD of the Week Finalist #3: Doucher’s Delight


I like the French inspired term “Baguette” for this ‘bag that someone suggested in the comments thread.

When it comes down to the meat and potato basis of a great HCwD pic, there’s gotta be both that quivering pile of pud, and an innocent hottie who looks vaguely confused as to how she’s been tackled by such a greasey douche. This pic contains both elements in spades.

It is definitely worthy. And I would suck on hottie’s cheekbones for a fortnight while dancing the African Ant Eater Ritual from “Can’t Buy me Love.”

Special shout-outs to Chin Ass, Flame and Jesus Christ Doucherstar, all of whom just missed the cut. And by “shout-outs,” I mean spew.

Another solid week of submissions, so a red cup of Night Train goes out to the regulars for keeping the steady stream of spew-worthy scrote comingling with sexy-ass hotness coming. If you have a pic of HCwD worthiness, and that means both a steaming turd and a beautiful swan in the same picture, then send it along to me at douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com. Or simply sit back, tip your cup of Thunderbird, and vote for one of these three finalists of douchebaggery for the HCwD of the Week award.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Sunday Spew

This bulgey ball of douche is like a blended energy drink of scrote. The “Douche Fruit Blend.” It’s on the menu at Jamba Juice right between “Berry Protein Power” and “Guava Energy.”

Add a free Frosted Hair Boost, and it’s $4.95 well spent.

Not that I’m a fan of the smoothie craze. Until they find a way to blend in some cheap wine, HoHos or frosted mini-wheats, I’ll confine my diet to the essentials.

Gravity Pull

Occasionally we find a douche gravity pull so strong, hotties swirl around the whirlpool like confetti in a bathtub. Not that I’ve seen confetti in a bathtub. At least since my last appendix operation.

Douche-Elvis here doesn’t have many scrote accessories, so again we’ll go with douche-face as his primary indictator of noxious ‘baggery. This lineup of lovelies flashing me their undergarments makes me happy in a stripper sort of way.

You may need to click on the pic for closer examination. And by “examination” I mean fondling.

Doucher's Delight

i said a douche, bag,
the douchey to the douchey
to the bag bag hop, a you dont stop
the rock it to the bag bag boogie say up jumped the boogie to the douchebag of the boogie, the scrote.

now what you hear is not a test–i’m rappin to the wank,
and me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to move your stank,
see i am wonder mike and i like to say hello
to the bag, to the grease, the mug, and the choad, the douchebag and yellow
but first i gotta bag bag the douchebag to the boogie
say up jump the douchebag to the bag bag boogie
let’s rock, you dont stop
rock the riddle that will make your body rock
well so far youve heard my voice but i brought two scrote’s along
and next on the mike is my man hank
come on, hank, sing that song…

Chin Ass

I’ve seen ass chin before.

I’ve seen butt chin. I’ve seen chin pubes. I’ve even seen chin crack.

But this is beyond all of that. This is “Chin Ass.” One of the rarest forms of anus manifestation in the douche-face, Chin Ass conquers all previous ass chin aspirants. Not only that, Constipated Chin Ass. CCA is truly a unique presence on the site, and so for that, Chin Ass should be applauded.

And by “applauded,” I mean mock mercilessly.

Bouncy Jersey Girl looks like a solid twenty minutes of giggly fun. Or in my case, forty five seconds of awkwardness.

The Peach and the Bonzai

The gorgeous Georgia peach on the left appeared on the site last summer, and remains a personal favorite of the DB1. Put this lithe minx in librarian glasses and I might melt into a puddle of quivering goo. And by “goo” I mean mount my computer screen.

Sadly, just like last summer, this midwestern swan has a penchant for the douche.

This time it’s Ichiro Sudouchey. I haven’t seen a Bonzai tree that awkwardly clipped since Daniel San was taking lessons from Mister Miyagi. It makes me strangely hungry for some Pocky.

Rocker Scrote

Other than douche-face, I have no real way to classify this stringy haired mod-rocker as a ‘bag. But I’m going with it because it’s Friday, and I’m already half drunk on a sweet bottle of the ‘Train, and did I mention it’s Friday?

Besides, anyone who does the “rocker pucker” with the mouth deserves heaping piles of collective mock. And by “mock” I mean “spew.”

I feel like I’ve seen blondie before on the site, but as usual I’m not sure because I’m a dumbass. She’s got that unconventional face, the type some might say isn’t cute until they see her in a bar and nearly piss themselves with fear when she approaches. She’s a little chinny for my tastes, but I’d still love her kneecaps then read her pulp Jim Thompson novels while sipping Absynthe from a blue plastic cup.

Friday Boobs

At the request of a commenter in the last thread, here’s three Friday Boobs to look at. Two to enjoy, one to mock.

Pucca shell dogtag wearing Pinky McSurf here is just greasy enough to set the douche-o-meter, and Boobsy is well, boobs of boobsedness.

Soft, pale, pink and happy. They smile at me with Glowing Cleavite. They promise a better world, where someday they will be liberated from the presence of this scrote. That day may not be today. But soon, my soft, pillowy friends. Soon…