Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Belly 'Bag

Okay, new rule of ‘bagdom: The neck star tatt automatically jumps a scrote two spaces forward and one space to the right on the douchebag chessboard.

This wank better have a record deal. Otherwise I might have to shave that faux Rod Stewart nest with a blunt spoon, then sing medieval Gregorian chants with a hip-hop beat until hottie is forced to pat my bottom with talcum powder.

Hey, I like having my bottom patted with talc. What, like you’ve never had a hottie pat your bottom with some Johnson&Johnson product.

It’s not even the neck tatt that bothers me. When did pinky rings replace the upturned collar in the douche pit of scrote?

HCwD of the Week: The Mug

In keeping with the basic mission statement (not a memo) of this site, most voters went with the muggy visage of this classic back-in-black douchebag. As Art of the Douche puts it in the comments thread: Sometimes, you cannot beat the basics. I guess the mandana on an eight-head holding back a nuclear explosion of scrote hair will do that to ya.

Both cuties have that “too young to get in the club but the bouncer’s dating their best friend” look. And really, is 19 too young to be doing body shots with a steaming stubbly load like Ranky McGoo here?

Uhm, yes. Yes it is.

As douche von fag puts it (and nice name there, DvF):

Oh Mug douche, how would I kick you, let me count the ways … First, I’d plant my steel capped boot firmly between your legs. I’d say I’d plant it on your ‘nads but I’m not sure if they’re to be found there. Then, as you bend over, I’d steel-cap your hideous visage, hopefully knocking the mandana off of that tumor that’s growing on your shoulders. After another kick in the ‘nad area, I’d step behind you, take four steps back, two to the side, and boot your ass from 55yds out Jason Elam-style.

Nicely done, DvF. As Indiane Douche and the last Douchebage puts it (what’s a “douchebage” btw?):

Number 3: The Mug. He’s got it all. He looks like he’s taken lessons from Donkey Douche on how to get his hair to stick up so far. He’s got the ginormous mandana. Excessive amounts of bling. The facial pubes, the sneer and the coked out look in his eyes. His hotties are respectable, especially blondie with the “I want you” look in her eye. Sadly, she doesn’t want me, she wants this creature. And possibly his other hottie at the same time as well. I may cry.

Don’t cry, Indy.

I thought Fraggle Choad would get more love (and by “love” I mean “upchuck”), but Amerigo Verdouchey explains why F.C. didn’t get the votes:

The sumtuous peach with Fraggle is not your everyday hottie. She is special. Smoking hot with just a touch of sweet innocence. The problem is Fraggle doesn’t make me want to kick his butt. As another altruistic db put it, I’m almost happy for the guy.

How “happy” are ya now that I posted F.C. #2, Amerigo?

Well, congrats to The Mug for entering the hallowed HCwD of the Week Winner’s Circle. Although we all know Donkey Douche will take that mug down O.J. style in the HCwD of the Month contest, allow this greased up toad his moment of inglory.

The Shlub

PIC DELETED

Lets see.

Vacant looking perky Betty type with award winning boobs? Check.

Shlubby double chinned putz I’d like to lawnmower the face of? Check.

Boobs? Check. Check.

But what’s with the bizarre-ass gay S&M mannequins in the background?

I feel dirty.

Donkey Wins

That’s it. I’m downing a punch bowl full of drano. I can’t take it anymore. Douche shirt, ‘bag dog tags, orange man-tan and the same ass chin caveman smirk. If I wasn’t still digesting my excellent patented “P.B. Plus” lunch special(2PB&Js, 1 six-pack PBR), I’d get up and break something.

I love this ambigiously Persian minx. She makes my heart go ping pong ping ping pong. And by “heart” I mean phallus. Look at the way she oh so delicately fondles Donkey Douche’s silk sleeveless shirt. That touch is an inverted Michaelangelo anti-art moment. It is science fiction futurism. Contact has been made. One small step for douche kind.

Cue the giant infant fetus turning towards camera. A Douche Odyssey indeed.

The Douche Vortex

This vortex of nodal douchedom represents a key nexus point on the quantum space-time douche axis. In short, it’s a douche singularity.

Refracting light, bending gravity itself, this douche vortex registers on richter scales in Osaka and neutrino oscillation detectors in the southern region of Istambul (not Constantinople).

It is that powerful.

Physicists are still debating whether Douche Pull factors of (a)XiS>T(ag) outweigh the bl/i(ng) {s(cr) x 0(t)=e} methodology.

What we do know, is that DB1 would gather twigs, string and bark and build a nest for the summer down in the nether regions of aqua blue phantasmagorical dreamland.

Fraggle Choad II: 'Bag Headlockin'

Now this by no means should influence the HCwD of the Week voting. Each pic stands on its own in terms of the dark forces of douchebaggery/hottie comingling.

That being said, Fraggle Choad sure does know how to romance his lady. With douche leather jacket and a classic ‘bag headlock, the charm pours from his creepy tentacles like dripping L.A. Looks hair gel melting under a hot sun-lamp.

No matter who wins the HCwDotW contest, that grimace has to be a finalist for douchiest facial expression in recent weeks. And Pink Paris Hilton hottie makes leprechauns dance jigs, even if she stares at her camera with the intelligence of a rhesus monkey.

Fan Mail

Two of Big Red’s friends, “Spike” who was featured a few months back, and “Big Yellow,” write in:

Hey DB1,

PS, I am jealous that I’m not as cool as Big Red. I think being on HCWDB.com attracts chicks, so please make us more pronounced!!!!!

Hmmm, “say something cool…” Let me think… Well, lets start with the most glaring problem. The fundamental conceptual flaw with featuring this pic on the site. Can anyone spot what it is? Look carefully. I’m sure that you can spot it.

Anyways here you go, my ‘bags from up north. Consider yourselves “more pronounced.” Now go snag a hottie, stat. Remember, be The Red. Ma… make The Red.

Polluted

The Toxic Avengina here radiates douche pollution with the intensity of the Holy Grieco’s Hair Brush itself. He is that blessed. And by “blessed” I mean “puke all over your keyboard.”

Note all ‘bag accoutrements accounted for here:

1. double douche earrings
2. Chin that makes you go “blechhhh…”
3. Jesus bling
4. Tribal tat
5. Two cupcakes hotter than Richard Pryor circa ’83.

Yup. It’s a solid, acute, pollution worthy HCwD pic that sets your soul on fire and makes you want to bash your skull in with a week old loaf of rye.

Oh, and boobies.

Pirates 2: Douche Man's Chest

Douche Man’s chest here needs to be tied to a post and fed chunks of seagull until the Sirens stop singing. I don’t know quite what that means, but I like the idea of force-feeding this homer chucks of seagull.

But the influence on this pudd is not just pirate.

There’s a special subsection of the rocker ‘bag ethos that invokes early 80s pre-Sopranos Little Steven Van Zandt douchebaggery. Not that Little Steven was a ‘bag per se, only that the rocker template he helped originate seeped into the post-Boss Jersey subconscious and reemerged transformed as douche poseur noxiousness. It’s a form of cultural reappropriation and osmosis of celebrity refracted through the douche lens of pop culture celebrity-fan symbiosis.

Or maybe this douche is just a puddle of poo.

Whale Puke

And while you’re considering who to vote for in the HCwDotW contest, here’s a stripper hottie curling up with a steaming load of whale puke.