Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Pimp 'Bagg

Billy ‘Bagg’s got like LeBron level Douche Game. He’s like the pied piper of douchedom. Megods he must be loaded. And by “loaded” I mean “spew.”

I would love each and every one of these Floridian hotties for at least ten seconds each.

Then I would turn on Sportscenter and order some Domino’s.

Because I’m romantic that way.

Aquadouche

There’s an “Entourage” joke in here somewhere, but I can’t find it.

Aquadouche may not have any real overt signs of douchebaggery (except for the suggestion of spiky frosted flake hair), but he’s with a prom queen of sexiness, and as such, I’m going to err on the side of caution and judge “douchebag.”

I hate to prematurely classify Aquadouche without any real photographic evidence to support such a judgement,… actually wait, no I don’t. He’s aquadouche. Because, uhm, because, well, he’s in water.

Yeah. That’s my story, and I’m going with it.

Clay Wankin'

I almost didn’t post this pic because I fear for the sanity of my readers. Knowing that Clay Wankin’ is out there curling up with a bunny this pillowey is enough to drive the DB1 to drink.

Oh wait, forgot. I’m already drunk. Meh, I’ll blame it on this uber-putz in rehab. No judge in the world would convict me, once I showed him this pic.

Anyone want to caption what Clay Wankin’ here is saying?

Billy 'Bagg

I’m not sure I’m going to be adequately able to explain what’s going on in this moment in time, other than the fact it renders God meaningless and dooms our universe to an existential state of random masses of energy, carbon and rock.

However, the hole in the jeans is genius.

After yesterday’s one-two punch of Two Head and the Turd and the Swan, this one’s like that uppercut in “Mike Tyson’s Knockout.” I’m down for the count. I know I’ve referenced Mike Tyson’s Knockout before on the site, but any chance I get to reference the greatest home video game of the modern era, I’ll take it.

Loud, primary color silk shirts seem to be an increasing ‘bag accoutrement recently, whereas popped collars seem to be receding into the douche ouevre. What remains a staple of the hotties, however, is fantastic cleavite.

Candidate for HCwD of the Week next week or what?

Sketch Lives

All he needs is a synth score by Harold Faltermeyer and we’ve got a wacky 80s action comedy.

The Twohead

PIC DELETED

We’ve seen foreheads that are six-heads. We’ve seen foreheads that are eight-heads. But rarely do we see a two-head. This furry sasquatch has roped a Long Island dirrty little secretary who sadly exhibits late stage-3 Bleethage through popping of collar.

Then again with that ball of face fungus so close to hers, it’s not hard to see why.

The Turd and the Swan

For some reason when I stare at this pic all I can think of is staring at a beautiful crystal clear New England lake in late August. The trees are just starting to turn. Suddenly a swan swims by, the white feathers on it’s long neck fluttering in the breeze.

And as I stare at this picture perfect postcard image, I look down… and suddenly see a turd float by in the water. A giant multcolored log.

The swan sees it too. And the swan looks up and me and I it. Yet while I’m repulsed, the swan swims over to the turd and curls up next to it.

That’s what I see when I look at this pic.

HCwD of the Week: Sketch

Well it was a tight vote this week (and by “tight” I mean “spew”) between the overpowering Librarian Hottie with Scrotey Opie and the uber-douche dark forces of Sketch. But in the end, Sketch was too powerful, not to mention his cutie is an absolute peach, so Sketch takes this week’s coveted HCwDotW award.

This week’s debate helped illuminate the problem of how much weight do we give to the HC side of the scale, and how much to the DB. As we can all intuit, this is not simply a 50/50 equation. We must take each pic on a case by case basis, that’s what makes the pleasures of the HCwD pic so engaging. In the case of Scrotey Opie, the dude is standard ‘bag, even if the “Obey” shirt is pretty genius. But the hottie overwhelms the pic and thus raises its value. For Sketch, the cutie is cute, but that shoulder sleeve sends the HC side into overdrive.

BMT struggles with this conundrum as he casts his vote for Scrotey Opie:

As Alexander Pope said, “what mighty contests arise from trivial things.” I’ve already carefully laid-out my cases for these sub-humans so I won’t reiterate their shortcomings; I believe we have to roll with Scrotey Opie this week. I don’t know what “Scrotey Opie” means but I do know what his lady is doing to me. At some point there is an epistomological question that needs to be answerd: how important to a dbag’s constitution as such is the quality of his chick? If a priori douchiness is contained most-largely in the bag himself, then Sketch wins this week like White Chocolate wins every week. But I believe we must weigh his character largely by the strength of his hottie. And so SO has my vote. She’s like the Ladanian Tomlinson of hotness and the other two are Ladell Betts and Zack Crockett. Douche-on, gentlemen.

Well done, BMT, excellent contributions to the field of Douche Studies. Incidentally, for those wondering as to what Opie refers to, it is not the dude on the radio but a reference to little Opie Taylor from the Andy Griffith Show.

douche, phb(ag) concurs with the importance of “hottie saving” as part of the HCwD equation:

Therefore, attention needs to be directed towards the graceful fawns trapped in the barbed wire fence of douchitude, in order that we may learn to disentangle them. To have the courage to set them free.

In which case, holy smoking f@#$, library hottie blows my mind. Glasses. A glimpse of the red brassiere. The mind reels. She needs two men with crowbars and the Jaws of Life to run up and cut her free from the smoking wreckage that is ScrOpie. Bmt can help me get her loose, and then I’ll help him drag Sketch’s body down to the tar pits.

No need to sell me on Librarian Hottie’s charms, phb(ag). As to why Sketch took the prize, iowabagslayer makes the case:

I’m gonna have to cast my vote with #2, Sketch. He looks like a lizard and he has that gawd-awful dislocated shoulder thing going on. That, and he reminds me of a very young Adam Ant, so that seals the deal.

And Mitch Meats concurs:

Sketch: Come the @#$@ on. Look at his @#$@ulon VI head. He looks like an echinoid we all know and love. He screeches DB from every fiber of his soul. And the honey is most juicy. I urge you once more to look at the expression on his unholy visage. If that does not cloud the mind with red dust, I do not know what will.

Sketch, hands down.

Sketch it is.

COTY Wild Musk

Here’s a fascinating commercial from the 1980s featuring a precursor to today’s essential douchebag scent products like TAG and AXE Body Spray.

Wow. That “touch” moment just seared my eyeballs.

COTY Wild Musk. Yeech. It’s important for us to study the ‘Bag antecedents of the 1980s that helped set the template for the Grieco and Douchebag Modernity to reach maturation in 1990. Clearly this is a key product for the emerging ‘bag archetypes of the 1980s.

“Use it before you stalk.” Gotta love it. That must’ve narrowly beat out “Use it before you date-rape” in test marketing surveys.

MetaBag

I almost didn’t post this pic. It would be too much for our weaker readers. But plumb the depths of douchebaggery we must. And so we come to Poo’s Posse and a bunch of stripper types, all creating a genetic cesspool of infected douchebaggery.

This pic is a cluster-‘bag. Like when silver ammonium nitrate is exposed to light during the process of photography. These ‘bags clump together to form what I like to call “Meta-Bag.” A Transformer-like creature that becomes more than the sum of its parts, MetaBag has been known to destroy small villages in Southeast Asia.

More than meets the eye, indeed. Beware MetaBag. Soon it may come… for you.