Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Weekend Where's Waldouche

Since it’s a lazy Saturday, I’ve decided to take a gaggle of woo hotties and hide not one, but two Waldouches somewhere in the pic.

Look closely.

Can you find them?

The Karate 'Bag

Sweep the leg, Johnny!!

Uhm…

Wax on, wax off!!

Er…

Put him in a body bag!!

Eh…

Nice facial pubes, you scrotey douche!! (from the director’s cut)

Evodoution

There’s a certain surreal moment when the human body begins to rechannel its own grease into new recombinant DNA helix structures. It’s almost like watching the first douche-frog crawl forth from the primordial douche-soup. A moment of evolutionary leap. Of scrote transcendence.

Look closely. You can see the genetic evodoution taking place right in front of our eyes. A single solitary grease sprout emerging from this ‘bag’s thinning head. Or is that two I see?

Ladies and gentlemen, ‘bags and ‘bag hunters, we are in the presence of a new stage of douche-life. It’s a douche miracle!

Oh, and boobies.

Tide

The thing is, Asian Turtle from Entourage, when you do the brand thing while busting ‘Bag Hand Gesture #203, it’s important to remember that “Tide” is not a brand that will impress the ladies.

Now Fab, on the other hand. Fab is a quality fabric softener.

Friday Haiku

Distant Tongue Scroad,
Oil face near perfect ass,
Serenity, now.

clear cup pinky out
blonde on blonde bum fingering
hotel in vegas

— douche vader

What I wouldn’t give
to lift that little skirt up
While Sunglasses cries.

-Good Will Doucheing

No need to get nude
I’ll just slip thong string over
First, kill Panting Douche

— el doucherino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing

HCwDB of the Month: Rooster Wank

In the end, Rooster was not to be denied. This pic really does sum up everything confusing, sickening, disquieting, arousing, confounding and head smackingly wrong about a perfect HC and DB combination. A combination whose insanity overwhelmes the senses and whettes the palette like so much garlic before sushi. If that sushi were a gelled up Rooster douche.

The sweet, wholesome corn fed southern charms of this brunette minx with the pearly white smile. And by smile I mean boobies. The overwhelming max-factor douchosity of The Rooster, with smirk, test pattern hair shavings and genius popped collar. Together they knocked out The Cowlick, took down Indy Scrote Belloq style, and defeated the Douche Platoon at the Battle of Assassus Junction.

It was a convincing victory. And by victory, I mean poo.

As many of the commenters noted, a true HCwDB pic must be savored not just for the ‘baggy scroads displaying their douchey charms, but for the level of hotness they’ve attracted. Both sides of the scale must be weighed and considered. And in this pic, both sides were too strong to overcome.

jonezy breaks down just how The Rooster transcends:

The other douches in the running play the part when they go out- they gel up and axe out for the night, but this ‘bag wakes up everyday the same bag he was when he fell asleep. When he visits his Mom in her trailer park, he’s still in douche mode. When he goes to his grandmother’s 80th birthday party, he wears the same hairstyle, popped collar, and silly smirk. Its similar to the Superman speech Bill gives in volume II- there is no return from that- there is no turning it off.

Excellent Superman II reference sir. But that didn’t mean Douche Platoon didn’t come in a strong second. The lineup of four classic ‘bag cliches in a row surrounding one sexy Miami Beach hottie, was enough to convince some. Napolean Douche-a-mite made the case:

I don’t see how it could be any other than the Douche Platoon. It’s a simple, by-the-numbers decision. In Douche Platoon you have a collected 80-90 years of guy-douche, somewhere in the neighborhood of 10,000 gym hours to make sure that the Platoon’s man-melons are just as big as hers are, 15 wasted years of college where these guys met/pledged together/drank each other’s semen/etc, and one set of amazing sunglasses (I’m sorry, but the FratDouche on the right, despite the fact that he is pointing out the obvious, has some awesome glasses). Plus, the girl is pull-off-my-own-ear hot. So that is my vote.

But for most, Rooster had it all. As the famous Indian douche guru BAGwan Singh puts it:

As to the Rooster, this guys picture reminds me of a fatal accident you pass on the highway. You drive real slow and you can’t take your eyes off of it or get enough of it! I’m not gonna comment on the hair, what can you say…All other bag attributes present and accounted for with the exception of the hand gesture. But since he is drinking a Pink Lady, that makes up for this minor infraction. He’s got the HC and she is showing significate levels of Bleeth. It has to be the rooster.

And so it is, BAGwan. Like sands in the hourglass of scrote, these are the douches of our lives.

Tonguebag See Boobies

TongueBag see boobies.

TongueBag want boobies.

TongueBag reach tongue out for boobies.

Bad Tonguebag. Bad.

The IHTG 'Bag

The IHTG ‘Bag, otherwise known as the “I Hate This Guy” ‘Bag, is a ‘bag styling that transcends genre classification. There are IHTG Fratbags, Rockerbags, GuidoBags, ArtBags, Trash Bags and just about every other scrote in the douche universe. They cannot be quantified by bling, tribal tats or cactus hair. Not tongue piercings nor even hieroglyphics filled jackets. They are identified only by the rage/bile scale, usually measured through the PH balance found by taking small samplings from the back of the throat.

Now I know what you’re thinking: DB1, isn’t every ‘bag a variation of an “I Hate This Guy” ‘Bag? To an extent, that’s true.

But take Landing Strip Choad, here. Other than the porn star facial pubes, a somewhat annoying coat and the manhandling of this pixie stick, there is an ethereal factor that elevates one’s desire to hammer a spike into his earlobe. It’s the mystery factor. The X Douche. And that quality can only be quantified within the IHTG scale.

Something to think about as we move forward.

HCwDB World Peace

I see this pic as a metaphysical dove, a vision of a future HCwDB World Peace. Because what it reminds us is that the greasy wrongness of hot chicks loving douchebags cuts across all regions. All cultures. All ethnic groups. All nation-state boundaries.

On the left we have a Persian hottie curling up with a choady Persian douchebag.

On the right, a sexy Scandinavian Germanic ball of sexiness curling up with your typical American scrote of hearty Irish/English douche stock.

But together, all four suggest the potential for a deep and lasting world peace. And by world peace I mean the collective realization that no matter what race you are, what religion you are, we can all agree that hot chicks loving total douche is universal. And by universal I mean an electric cattle prod to our collective nether regions.

Someone please contact Nobel. I deserve a damn prize for all this peacemakin’.

1-888-Got-Bagg

After the uber ‘baggery of the past few days, including the HCwDB of the Month review, I thought we’d need a stage-1 or stage-2 ‘bagger to help us relax a bit. Then again, I’m not sure this wank serves that purpose.

With heaping servings of douche-face, frosty hair, standard issue ‘bag bling, and of course, the obnoxious shirt message, which is fast replacing Dog Tags (which replaced Jesus Bling) as the go-to signifier of rank douchebaggery, he is… uhm how you say in English… poo.

She’s no Purg Hottie, but with a great smile and a fantastically curvy body, I would definitely work out to Richard Simmons “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” just for an opportunity to neuter her cat.

HCwDB of the Month voting will remain open through midnight, mainly because the higher math involved in adding up a four way vote is too much for DB1’s hangover this morning. So get yer vote in if you haven’t already.