Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Club Douche

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And I mean that title literally. Please, someone. Club douche. Now. With a polo mallet.

Purg Hottie's friends (and a Scroad)

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Purg Hottie brought three of her friends to remind you, “Don’t forget to vote in the HCwDB of the Month thread!” Scroll down. Voting is open all day.

And really. Who are you to argue with Purg Hottie and her three hottie friends?

And who are you to punch pink faux hawk uber-scroad in the nuts? You’re breathing, that’s who. Which means you have a moral imperative to punch.

Ab Lobster Thanks You

Ab Lobster wanted to come by and thank all of you for voting for him in the HCwDB of the Week contest. He also wanted to let you know that pointing at his makeup enhanced abs in clubs was not simply a one time deal, but a way of life.

But enough of my intro, let me turn it over to the Lobs:

Ab Lobster: Gnnnnnnnfffff.

I’m sorry, A.L?

Ab Lobster: Huhhhhhhh.

Do you speak English?

Ab Lobster: Don’t have to. Look at these lobster abs. Theys speak for themselves.

Uhm yes. I suppose they do, Ab Lobster. I suppose they do.

Ab Lobster: Boooooyyyaaaaaaaaa. Gagghhhhhhhh. Fweeeee.

Uhm. Okay, that’s enough. Please leave now.

HCwDB of the Week: Ab Lobster

A total landslide victory for this rapidly rising pic in the hottie/douchey pantheon. Granted the competition was more ‘bagling than ‘bag, but the victory is oompa-loompa goodness nonetheless.

i bling keys in on the determining factor of this scrote’s signification of ‘baggery:

Pointing to his abs, people. Pointing. To. His. Abs.

Yup. It really don’t get douchier than that. goofydouche concurs:

Tough call between Douchsplosion and Lobster. Hair-boy’s purple-clad hottie has a waist you could wrap your hands around with thumbtips and fingertips touching.

But Lobster has his own finger on the scale. Is he pointing at himself, or at Miss Darkroots? I vote self. Lobster rocks, in a bubbly buttered skin-sauce of his own excretion.

Mistress Julie sums it up, dominatrix style:

Gladly casting my vote for #3. This guy makes my blood boil and by boil I mean I would like to throw him in a pot of boiling water on my stovetop and listen to him scream in pain as his oompa loompa tan and scrote smirk melted off..

Die lobster boy. Die.

I love that Mistress Julie channeled the oompa loompas prior to their appearance on the site. Nice bit o’ clairvoyance there, cutie. And russel brings in the always enjoyable octagon reference:

the lobster. in an octagon of douche, he would claw through the hair of his two outclassed opponents and force a double douche tap out. they are like lions in mane only. but he, he is the lobster!

I think Ab Lobster may have found himself an identity outside of just “club douche.” On second thought, no. “Club Douche” will always be his first, second and third identity.

Great comments in the comments thread, once again. The Lobster is our first entry for next month’s HCwDB of the Month smackdown, where he will compete to join Pumpy and whomever wins the current contest. Which is my roundabout way of saying, get yer vote in.

Here's What Hottie Was Texting

I guess now we know what Hottie was texting:

———-
um yah i got a problem with you posting my face on your page with one of my friends… its rude for one and its just immature.. dont people have better things to do then to make fun of other people like honestly… anyways i want my face down.. im in your WHat is she textin picture… and im not sure but i have legal rights of that picture because i took it and your using it.. so im pretty sure you could get in s@#% for that… and might wanna be careful on what pictures you use for your little “hate” blog thank you…
———

I like to think of my blog as more hilarious mocking than actual hate, but regardless, the pic is gone. Another classic lost to the ether.

Fatal Douchetraction

Glenn Close has hit hard times since starring in “Fatal Attraction” twenty years ago. Here she is hitting on an all American tasty side order of onion rings hottie. Dammit, Glenn, what happened?

Oh wait. Glenn Close appears to actually be “Glenn Close ‘Bag,” one of the variety of androgyny douches haunting the clubs with their whole “I’m asexual and unthreatening, so come back to my place and we’ll listen to James Blunt together while drinking Moet before I jump on you.”

Someone needs to zip up that aqua blue jumper just a bit tighter, cutting off circulation to Cruella De Ville’s windpipe.

Onion rings hottie, I would dip you in hot sauce and enjoy you with a tasty can or three of Schlitz.

Peeps

Blue Popped Peeps here is struggling with his HCwDB of the Month vote. Indiana Scrote and Cowlick impress him with Eurodouche foreign exoticism, but the Douche Platoon personify everything he aspires to be. And what about Rooster Wank? Total Punk Rock. If Punk Rock meant douche.

As to how Peeps got his name, I haven’t seen that much goo since I microwaved two dozen Easter Peeps when I was twelve.

Stupid marshmallow birds. That’s what you get for being so delectable.

HCwDB of the Month: Ultimate 'Bagging Championship

A reader just alerted me to how overdue we are for a monthly contest. So since the Weekly appears to be a runaway for Ab Lobster (although voting is still open), lets get to the good stuff.

The monthly Douche Off.

Last month’s triumphant douche champion: The legendary Pumpy.

This month?

That’s up to you, my fine ‘bag hunting friend. Think long and hard, and I don’t mean that as a euphemism for your crotch. Choose wisely. Weigh the pros and cons of each pic. And by pros I mean fun bags. And by cons I mean douchebags. But you knew that already.

Here are your four choice cuts of scrote and their beautiful young hotties who know not what they do. Judge them, lest they judge you.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Indiana Scrote and the Temple of Blonde

What more can I say about this juicy pic of creepy EuroBag wrongness and a fantastic cut of fine brie cheese?

Not much.

Except that I would love her under a Tuscan sun.

I would woo her with spirits and delicate Turkish flowers.

I would hump her kneecap like a rhesus monkey on Red Bull.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Rooster Wank

A genius pic on a number of scrotey levels. The literal — douche-hair to an extreme depth of douchebaggery. Note the shaved alien landing signs above the ears.

Hotness — One of the finest legends to ever grace the douched out halls of HCwDB, the Holy Blue Triangle herself.

Mini Jesus bling and popped collar goodness. The mark of any truly superior ‘bag, and by superior, I mean inferior.

The Cleavite — Textbook definition. Two crystalline arcs of pale skin revealed for our head spinning intoxication.

Together, these two make shredded ass.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Douche Platoon

The perfect cross-section sampling of modern scrote.

What should I label these four choads? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. ‘Bag, ‘Bag, ‘Bag, ‘Bag.

And one hottie milkbone in the middle for the four to salivate all over. It’s almost enough to want to firebomb Miami, Dresden-in-’44 style.

mmm… bellybutton ab peanut butter and jelly goodness.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Cowlicker

A perfect example of the greased up Kevin Bacon richboy wank, drooling all over a cheekbony slice of high class cheesecake. I’m not talking that frozen cheesecake you get at kids birthday partys. I’m talking top shelf. Waldorf Astoria level cheesecake. Lindy’s in the mid 1960s in Manhattan quality.

While Cowlick may not sport many of the classic ‘bag elements the other pics have, do not underestimate the sliming tongue and the anger scale.

Let the rage boil within. Can you taste it? Good! I knew you could.

Allow that to influence your vote at all times.

So there it is folks.

Your four finalists.

I don’t envy you your task.

This is no easy decision. Take your time. Voting will be open for the next two days. Think long and hard. And by long and hard, I mean my crotch. Which has this horrible rash on it. That’s the last time I hump a kneecap like a shrieking rhesus monkey on Red Bull.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Purg Hottie On the Prowl

I’m a little disappointed Purg Hottie #1 didn’t find more love on the site last week. The DB1 would toss her in an inflated swimming pool filled with Guinness, then bury his head between her shoulder blades and make soft whimpering noises until that frosty Irish brew lost its carbonation.

What is clear, besides her mercury boiling hotness, is her ability to attract rogue choad like a tractor beam.

Witness exhibit A. Choad.

It’s almost enough to drive the DB1 to drink heavily. Oh wait, correct that, it actually is enough.

So come on. Give up the love for the Hotness caught in a way-station between Heaven and Hell like some bad Keanu sci-fi flick. Purg Hottie needs your collective love. What would you do for six hours straight just for the opportunity to dry clean her sweatshirts?

What is Hottie Texting?

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Okay kids, time to play another round of everyone’s favorite guessing game, What is Hottie Texting?

I’ll start it off:

OMGLOLZ!! ROFLCOPTER!! Dchbg thnks he’s funy. U shld c his shrt, its like 2 sizes 2 sml. Plz get me out of here!!!!!1111. Does Nietzsche really argue that personal ascension exists outside of preexisting societal frameworks?… My plaid scarf chafes…