Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Spike says Mooshi-Mooshi

Spike, who first appeared on the site fondling a Sarah Silverman Hottie, and then again molesting a sultry red head also wanted to get in on today’s retro fun with old friends. And by friends I mean douchebags.

Spike, you must stop macking on the college cuties. You’re turning them into douchebaguettes.

Harry Beaver says Hi

Since it’s the return of old friends day,the legendary hirsute douchebag Harry Beaver wanted to drop in and say hello, along with The Dharma ‘Bag and, of course, the legend that is Yellowtail. Heck, I didn’t even realize that was Yellowtail, so distracted by the bling was I. But indeed it is, as various sharp eyed ‘bag hunters have observed.

The DB1 just spent his morning arguing a ticket downtown at Traffic Court. Stupid Douchecop pulled me over for not having a seatbelt on. Nice, Douchecop. Have another doughnut. Good news is I got outta there in under two hours. I was fast-tracked for being the only one in court who spoke English. The bad news? Harry Beaver’s got a ball of hot, and I had to pay $99 bucks for a seatbelt infraction.

The Wampa

Wampa knows how to party down with Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes. But how’d he ever score a Twi’lek hottie?

I always wondered what this mysterious snow creature looked like when kicking back, relaxing, and fondling a sexy dancer paid to pretend she cares. But where is that long black hair on his furry coat coming from? And what’s with the scepter?

I mean… scepter. Come on now. Even in jest, Wampa Oldie is scrote.

There’s just too much wrong to count in this one. I might need to start drinking early today.

Dharma Bag in Paris

Dharma ‘Bag wanted to come by and remind you to get your votes in on the HCwDB of the Week Contest while he macks his choady seed on future prison inmate #2431145.

Voting will be open all day. As will Paris.

Punk Douche

Look, I’m a fan of late 70s Punk as much as the next guy, but something tells me true punks don’t wear clean, nicely pressed t-shirts of the very band they’re coopting imagery from.

As to hottie, things have to be bad when your head starts leaking condoms.

"The Bells"

Hear the tolling of the bells –
Iron bells!
What a world of solemn thought their
melody compels!
In the silence of the night,
How we shiver with affright
At the melancholy menace of their tone!
For every sound that floats
From the rust within their throats
Is a groan.
And the people – ah, the people –
They that dwell up in the steeple,
All alone,
And who tolling, tolling, tolling,
In that muffled monotone,
Feel a glory in so rolling
On the human heart a stone –
They are neither man nor woman –
They are neither brute nor human –
They are Ghouls:
And their king it is who tolls;
And he rolls, rolls, rolls,
Rolls
A paean from the bells!…..

— “The Bells” by Edgar Allan Poe 1847

Pornbags

At some point we need to clearly delineate the PornBags from regular douchebaggery. I’m not sure whether these are actual porn stars. But it doesn’t really matter. That have the sunbaked genericism of porny type cali zombies. Which ultimately makes them a lesser breed of scrote.

The truly powerful ‘bags are not the sun-cooked California pornbags but hyperstylized Miami beach, Jersey or Las Vegas high roller douches. At the second tier, the Fratbags, skeezebags, lurkerbags, or just the roly-poly choads of the world.

Pornbags are like DJ Scrotes. Too otherworldly to really work up any energy over. It’s the anonyscrotes and the everyday librarian hotties who love them that drive the DB1 to distraction. The average douchebags with their arms around cute young things who don’t know any better. That’s what can drive a douchebag to drink.

Don’t get me wrong. I’d swing from coconut trees in a codpiece if it meant I could nibble on Young Anna Nicole’s sunglasses on the right. But other than the usual desire to set fire to his eyebrows, 80s Pornbag doesn’t incite me to any great degree.

The Aristocrats

So the agent says, what do you call yourselves?

HCWDB of the Week: Raccnophobia

This was a tough week to winnow down into finalists, what with the legendary Racc getting his second chance. Both the spleen calcifying hotness of the hottie in Dude and the mutant douchebaggery of The Vulcan Douche just barely failed to make the cut. And by cut I mean poo.

But such is the violent decay of our society. Next thing you know they’ll be using Violent Femmes songs in Wendys commercials. Or Match.com will start running soft core porn-like first person “webcam” clips online. Or my rash will spread to the inner thigh because the Crisco didn’t help. On to the finalists…

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Spider Bag

My senior year in college I had a girlfriend. Her name was Hannah. She didn’t look anything like this ball of perfection. She was blond and kind of skinny. Cute in her own way. But really not anything like the angelic perfection of Spider Hottie.

How is that barely coherent and not particularly anecdotal story relevant to this pic?

No idea.

Then why did I bring it up?

Not sure.

But she is perfection. And he is choad.

I would pay 1/2 over premium for the opportunity to build condos in her cleavage with non-union labor.

Spider Bag, on the other hand, needs to have his webslinger tied to his green goblins.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Manmaries

Hard to argue with a pic that causes iris bleeding in 12% of those who stare for too long at the man boobies.Manmaries + Mandana = uber-douchosity. If we get back to what this site really stands for, at it’s core, it’s this pic right here.

She is quite delectable, even in spite of those two pirates of silicone alley.

Sleazy suburban wasteland. Sexy cutie giving a nice smile. And that.

Let the pain waft over you. And consider the HCwDB wrongness. For it speaks to all of us. It is, how you say, le peu.

HCwDB Finalist of the Week #3: The Raccoon

Never has a ‘bag inspired such loathing, apathy, discussion and debate as The Racc did in the last week. This is his second, and final, chance to advance to the monthly. There is no doubt that DJ spinning douchitude is a legit branch of the douchey/hottie combos we study. But where does the Racc fall on that scale?

Perhaps the makeup and performance based approach is no more true douche than a mime is struggling with being trapped in a box or climbing a rope. I leave it to the ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and hotties who read this site to render their judgement.

Does The Raccoon deserve a shot at Fish Slap and Ab Lobster in the monthly? Or should Man Boobies or Spider Bag advance?

To Lenny Bruce, Langston Hughes and the stage! La Vie Boheme one of these three douchey/hottie combos, as always, in the comments thread.

Fist Manifest

I see this fist acting not as physical limb but as collective manifestation. It is the punch of ten thousand human wills all desperately trying to grasp how a red faced bleachbag could possibly have a delicious lemon drop on his arm. With the force of a thousand minds, together, struggling with this hottie/scrotey wrongness, comes: “Fist Manifest.” The spontaneous appearance of ‘bag punch.

Rare is the manifestation of the mental into the physical captured on camera like this. We should appreciate the result of all of our hard work. ‘Bag punch appearances are rare, but they have been documented. And here is the proof. Fist Manifest.

Someone call The Amazing Randi. We have the evidence.