Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

M.A.B.s

M.A.B.s are Middle Aged Bags, not quite Oldbags but with the receding hairline and mid-life crisis to disqualify them from the regular trolling douchechoads of clubland. Speaking of, wasn’t “Douchechoads of Clubland” a fanastic mid 1990s techno band? Hmm. I’ll get back to you on that.

This Mab has gone arch gothic on his hotties, likely some former roadie promising to introduce them to Twiggy from Marilyn Manson if they’ll let him sniff their inner thighs for ten seconds each. Give it up, Mab. The glory days are, in the parlance of a pissed off Boston sports fan, OVAH.

Pack it in. Take your creepy eyebrow, six remaining hairs on your head and 19th century aristocratic facial hair back to your one bedroom bungalow in West Hollywood before I get Cro Bagnon to break you in half, Drago style.

Ask DB1

I’m starting a new section here at HCwDB where you ask me, The DB1, your humble narrator in all things douchey/hottie, various questions on the hottitude and scrotitude that plague our fair shores. And I’ll try to give my best woozy and alcoholic fueled rant-like answer.

I will seek to facilitate all of our journeys down the spiritual path of douche-enlightenment. To answer the darkest ‘baggiest questions that plague your soul like so many early 1990s Richard Grieco movies. Like If Looks Could Kill. Yeesh.

If you have a question regarding any and all things hottie/douchey and would like an answer, email it in to me at douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com

I’d also like to welcome all new traffic coming by way of yesterday’s mention on Gawker. If you’re new to the ways of ‘bag hunting and hottie drooling, welcome. You’ll pick up the lingo in a few days, or check out the FAQ if you have any other questions.

Also, the site was featured in this month’s Rolling Stone magazine, page 42. I couldn’t find an online link to the Rolling Stone feature, so you’ll just have to go to the bookstore and check it out. It’s the one with The Holy Proto-‘Bag Who is Not ‘Bag, Keith Richards, on the cover. As well as Johnny Depp, whose early douchitude gave way to actual talent.

Mmm… young Winona. I’d Heathers her Lucas while Mermaiding her Beetlejuice.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that each post will be accompanied by a random HCwDB pic, like the one featured here, which will likely have little to do with the question at hand. The reason for this partially involves monkey spittle. But also the fact I’m not remotely organized enough to tie the two together. But mostly, I blame monkey spittle.

Kiss Me, I'm 'Baggish

And a new bumper-sticker craze was born.

Axl Rosebag III

Axl Rose ‘Bag is very upset that he didn’t win the HCwDB of the week contest. When asked to comment, he replied simply, “Unnnnnghhh” and ran off to his room to download James Hetfield screen-savers.

Some might call Axl Pud your average clown playing douche dressup. I wouldn’t argue the point. But I would add that, as we’ve seen before, performative ironic ‘bag is still ‘bag.

In summation, someone please hammer a nail into his taint.

HCwDB of the Week: The Mack

To douche is to be. — Socrates
To be is to douche. — Sartre
Douchebag douchebag do. — Sinatra

One of the closest votes in awhile, with all three finalists seperated by 3 votes or less total. And by closest votes I mean my face buried in young Phoebe’s supple organic Trader Joes. Mmm… I love her pouty zebra printness.

Yup, The Mack took the prize, barely edging out Mullet Toad, who, like all Old Bags, confused voters with a mix of disgust and admiration for anyone who can, in the parlance of the great R. Crumb, Keep on Douchin’.

Dual Jersey hotties, too tight shirt, greased up face and tough guy James Cagney mug all merit The Mack a worthy winner. As pfah puts it:

the other two picts are equally disturbing, but The Mack embodies everything that is douche. and he’s young, so he’s got time to grow up and achieve douche status like that of Xenu or White Chocolate. the farce is strong in this one.

Interestingly, most of the hotties on the site voted for Mullet Toad. KellyBelly launched a thousand fantasies with the following:

Let’s see…..Mullet Toad is the winner! I really like his hottie. I mean, I REALLY REALLY like his hottie. She has the cutest little ties on her bikini. sigh. As for him, all I can say is, GOLD NECKLACE and HAIRY CHEST. come on people. He doesn’t deserve her!

Agreeing, the xviith scrote of douche chimed in:

How did a scrote toad like that land on such a nice lily pad? Give it up for #3 — he’s pure Parrothead Douche.

(The cognitive dissonance from this pic is mixing all my metaphors.)
(I wish I could mix her metaphors.)
(Sigh. Sweet goddam sigh.)

I feel your pain, XVII. Oh wait, no, that’s just my scrotae. But when it comes down to defining douchebaggery, it seems people like to return to the Classics. The traditional signifiers of all that is douchey/hottie wrongness. It’s like Chaim Topol sang in Fiddler: Tradition, Tradition! The Mack is traditional douche. Old school down home ‘bag values. As the the big ledoucheski sums it up:

For me the clear choice is The Mack. Girl on the left doesn’t exactly qualify as a hc, but the one on the right has an Olsen Twin kind of thing happening, but with a bigger rack. Then there is the scrote in the middle, the fact that he probably orchastrated that pose, the too tight shirt, the suspenders (wtf?), and the smug look on his face–that’s the clincher for me. He is eau de douche, the essence of douche if you will.

Yes he is, B.L. But we’ll see how far Classic Scrote takes him in the monthly.

Ab Lobster Blondie's Hotness Confirmed

During our recent deconstruction of the hottie/douchey wrongness of HCwDB of the Week winner Ab Lobster, a tertiary debate broke out in regards to the confirmability of the hotness of the Lobster’s blond hottie. After exploring a number of analytical discourses, some theorized she was not “all that” while a forceful counter-argument emerged that she was indeed, “all that.” However the lack of firm evidence left a sense of intellectual stalemate and the conclusiveness of either perspective gradually faded, locked in stasis.

But your humble narrator brings good news.

New evidence has now arrived which should fundamentally alter the ambiguous deconstruction of the uberhotuousness of said Blond Hottie, pictured here. And by evidence I mean, uhm, well, the pic. Which you already knew. Since you’re looking at it.

Consider the argument settled. The Lobster’s Hottie is indeed a salty baked potato to his crustacean insect abs.

As to the Lobs? We reached conclusion on that ‘bag awhile ago. It’s what they call in the science world a “douche-proof.”

The Swirl

There comes a time when every man faces a choice in life. Seek out his spiritual essence. Question existence. Search for higher truth.

Or just tattoo a ginormous swirl on your arm.

I know the tat is fairly ‘baggy, but I sort of like The Swirl. No 10 degree hat tilt, relatively benign sunglasses, no ‘bag hand gesture. He seems like he’s kind of got a sense of humor.

And then I spotted it. The low hanging shorts/underwear thing, fairly stenchuous with uberbagosity. And if those last two terms aren’t real words, they should be.

The Blizzard

The other day I was sitting around, sipping a nice tall glass of lemonade out on the porch and watching my grandmother milk the yaks, and I thought to myself, “Ya know? If Dairy Queen ever made a Hottie/Douchey Blizzard milkshake, I wonder what it would look like?”

Now I know.

Lies

You want lies, Choady McBag?

Okay.

They’re really into you.

Doublemint Douche

As if last week’s HCwDB winners, Twin Bags weren’t enough, here’s another heaping of Doublemint Douche to help you get through your Tuesday.

I would love ambiguous Russian Minx hotties in a massive tsarist bacchanal complete with grapes, goblets and a fey lute player for bemusement while resting between bouts of coitus. Then I would feed the Doublemint Douche Twins to the lions while reading Tolstoy to the Noxema Girl Hottie and sipping from the Samovar.

Gotta love dual twin chest exposure + Jesus Bling. Do they make hazmat suits to protect from that sort of gale force douchosity?