Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Tony Danzig

This pic is like the remake of “West Side Story” set in Fallujah. I can tell by the way he uses his walk he’s greased and blinged, no time to talk. Or am I mixing my movie metaphors again?

He’s Arabian Tony Danza by way of 80s metal. Thus “Tony Danzig.” Bringing my mixed up random references in this post to a solid four.

It is my holiest mission, my compulsion if you will, to liberate all hotties everywhere from the clutches of deep douchey douchebaggery. I am the catcher in the douche-rye. I’m Spartadouche.

And I’m coming for you, blondie.

Now if I could only drop a giant ears reference, the chaos of this commentary would be complete.

Doucheton John

I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind, that I called you a choad… how douchebaggy life is, now you’re a steaming load…

Polka dot D-Bag, Bleethy Lady
Boob grab by mystery hand.
Saggy boobies, soul pubed choad
Please kill the douchy man.

Hold me closer tiny douchebag
Count the ways you are a choad.
Infection of Greico Virus
You got to break away today….

— grigori rasdouchin

Friday Haiku

Old friend, Cro Bagnon,
Your douche Kingdom hath no end,
‘Bag Superhero.

Duke Nukem Douchebag
It’s time to Bleeth and chew gum
I’m all out of gum.

— danny bonnadouchey

Fire giver too strong
Cro Bagnon Burnt Angry GRRR
women need help bagnon.

— SkanderDouche

‘The Rock’ eyebow douche
unbuttons his shirt four down.
Need towel for face grease.

— Grigori Rasdouchin

no fake ‘n bake, that.
mandana usurped by gel.
love your geico ads.

— douche of earl

The Creeper Fern

One of the harder to grow houseplants is the Scrotsae Mandanus plant, often referred to in common parlance as the “Creeper Fern.”

Creeper Ferns are notoriously fickle plants, requiring lots of grease, gold necklaces and loud eurotrash techno played at ear splitting volume before their Mandanus leaves will flower. Creeper Ferns have been known to easily wilt when laughed at, and quickly dry up when cameras aren’t present.

However a little known trick if you want to get your Creeper Fern to grow large Mandanus leaves is to plant it in an outdoor pool. Simply feed it pink lipped Megaman sunglasses wearing hotness twice a day, and Creeper Fern mandanas will grow to epic size in no time.

To remove your Creeper Fern simply toss a wrapped copy of “Miami Sound Machine’s Greatest Hits” over the neighbor’s fence. Creeper Fern will likely leave in no time, although sweat stains and muscle t-shirt residue may remain behind.

The Assbag

All your ‘bags are belong to us.

Quahog Bag

Peter Griffin Ass Chin loves himself some Jager. I’d add the “..” over the “a” in the word “Jager,” but that’s some fancy Germanic keyboard action I couldn’t manage even if I Wim Wendered my Dirk Nowitzki.

Cate Blanchett Hottie warms the cockles of my, uhm, heart.

I have nothing else to add about this most holiest of Ass Chin Pics, except that index ring fingers while making Bag Hand Gesture #212 define the uberdouchosity of uberdouchuousness. Oh, and ass chin.

In summation, ass chin.

Twin Baggin' It

Look who showed up to thank you for voting them the HCwDB of the week!

And they brought a Jennifer Aniston Hottie. How thoughtful.

HCwDB of the Week: Twin Bags

PIC DELETED

With all this seafood flying around, I almost forgot we have a Weekly going on. And what I thought was one of the more tight Weeklys in awhile, and by tight I mean Tag, turned into a rout.

The Double Douche Twins were simply too much to take down, a double ‘bagging serving of greased up uber-scrote. The poetic Vinny Scumbaglia pens his ode to their doublemint goodness. And by goodness I mean B.O.:

All furnish’d, all in gel;
Mandana’ed like estridges that wing the wind
Baited like eagles having lately douched;
Glittering in scroted coats, like images;
As full of scrote as the month of May,
Douchebaglionic as the pondscum at midsummer;
Wanton as youthful scrotes, wild as young ‘bags.

Poetic beauty, V.S. Nicely done. Still, the arch bagger of canterbury reminds us never to forget the power of the hottie side of the equation, casting in with The Bells:

BUT. Bells HC is oh-so-lovely! The glasses, the all-natural look, the svelte yet fleshy shoulder and hip…delightful! Worse, DB’s groping and thrusting, and SHE’S ARCHED HER BACK TO RETURN THE THRUST. Arrrgh!

But Double the power of Scrotitude is too much to overcome. As Count Douchula observes:

With that being said I have to vote for the twins, because when I sobered up there were still two of them and it pissed me the hell off.

And honoring the greatest poet of observational douchebaggery, William “Bag Hunter” Shakespeare, douchie howser m.d. quoth the Bard:

What’s in a name? That which we call a douche by any other name would smell as shite. (Homeo and Douchiet)

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the douche twins! (King Douchie the 6th)

Rise up the Twin Bags to the rafters. They’re the first entry in next month’s Monthly. To sleep, perchance to douche, ay, there’s the rub.

HCwDB — THE BOOK

I have fantastic news to announce on the site, fellow ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and cuties. Yours truly, DB1, has been contracted by Simon & Schuster to write a book version of HCwDB for publication next year.

So where do you come in?

I will be printing dozens of the scrotiest and most awe inspiring and spew inducing examples of the broad and complex spectrum of the hottie/douchey kingdom. I’m talking Fratbags, Rockerbags, Choadbags, Greaserbags, everyone from the club dancing ab rollers to the hairy indie toads. But I need your help.

Here’s the deal.

If you are the photographer of any of the featured pics here on the site, email me a hi-res (300dpi) copy of the pic in question, and I will forward you a release for the pic. Return it to me and not only will you get a photo credit in the book, but you’ll have contributed greatly to help bring awareness to the masses of innocent hotties being Bleethed as we speak of the unholy douchitude that lurks within us all.

So if you took a classic HCwDB pic and want to submit it for consideration for the book, email me a hi-res copy at: douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com

Do your part and contribute to producing a real world talisman, a permanent testament and ode to the various subdivisions, categories and broad spectrum that is the modern Douchebag evolutionary plague. As well as help produce a text that will warn the gorgeous balls of hot who fall into their oily orbit on a daily basis that there is hope out there; there is treatment for exposure to the Grieco Virus.

If you know someone who took one of the pics we’ve featured on the site, email them and ask them to contribute that pic. If not for you, if not for me, do it for posterity. Do it so that future generations can contemplate the dark marching army of douchebaggery that has chewed through and spat out our cultural landscape like so many greased up, bling wearing, Tag Bodyshot spraying termites.

Do it for all of us. Do it for a better tomorrow. But most importantly, do it because making fun of ‘bags is really, really fun. Don’t think of it as a civic duty. Think of it as a moral imperative.

Wez

Whew. All this Fish Slapitis and Lobster sand crawling has exhausted me. So it’s time to relax in the only way I know how. With more HCwDB spew.

Here’s two overly peroxided nyphettes I’d like to Humbert Humbert forming an inverted ‘bag sandwich with Wez from the Road Warrior. Note the black fingernails making ‘bag hand gesture #86. Where’s pre-insane Mel Gibson when you need him?

But most importantly, note the cleavite on the left. I would lead a small but highly skilled expedition into those hinterlands, then establish a Mission to teach natives how to worship ur-boobs with the fervency of, well, a post-insane Mel Gibson.