Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ab Lobster Returns

Ladies and Gentlemen, lets hear it again for Fish Slap!!… BUT WAIT!!…

What’s that?…. Is that Ab Lobster?… He’s charging towards the ring, Bob, and he looks angry!!

Oh my God, Ab Lobster is picking up a chair!! Bob, it’s total mayhem here in the ring. Now he’s pointing at his abs. Bob, I’ve never seen anything like this. Fish Slap looks confused. Now Ab Lobster is taunting him with more points to his abdomen. Bob, what’s Fish Slap going to do?

Now Fish Slap is shaving another crease into his eyebrow!! Bob, I’ve never seen anything like this!! It’s total Pandemonium here at HCwDB!!

HCwDB of the Month: Fish Slap

Unbelievable. He’s like the T-1000 of douchebaggery. He will not stop… until we are ‘bagged.

But taking down the mighty Lobster? I didn’t think it could be done. After all, pointing. At. His. Abs.

And yet the eyebrow shaving, the hat tilt, the affect on next-generation douche like Minnow Slap in pic #2, the power of the hottie and the douche-chin were too much for even the wily crustacean to overcome.

Fish Slap has appeared before on the site, as Kangaroo Poo and as a Friday Haiku back in January. But like a stealthy deep sea tuna, he waited for his moment to strike. And by strike I mean scrote supreme.

Beelzebag lays out the case for a serving of Fish Slap Supreme over the Power of the Lobster:

While I hate to disagree with Vinny and X, White pants, spray-on abs, and douche-face cannot compete with one SHAVED EYEBROW. You can change your pants, rub turpentine on your abs and put on a “normal face”, but only time itself can erase a shaved eyebrow. The shaved eyebrow alone says “I am 100% committed to the art of douchebaggery”.

Nicely put, Beelzebag. Another fan of the Slapster, The Douchemeister, reminds us to never forget the power of the douche-chin:

Man I fell of my chair when I saw this chin.

All hail Fish Slap!

And so we shall. But The Lobster put up a valiant fight, and was even in the lead for awhile. Old friend Baron Von Douchehausen sums up all that is wrong with the Lobster’s douchey ways:

Sometimes the the douchebaggery side of the equation renders all the other parts moot. Ab Lobster renders all Western notions of logic, rhetoric, reasoning, dialectic, induction, deduction, and mathematics meaningless every time he smirks and points to his pathetic little tummy muscles.

Yes, Ab Lobster, yes, those are the muscles with which we all puke.

Well done, BvD. Good to have you back on the site. Purg Hottie and Manmaries, came in a distant 3rd and 4th in what was essentially a two way race. But newbie hottie KellyBelly remnds us never to forget the Jersey scroad, casting in with Manmaries for the win:

Ab Lobster’s hottie just doesn’t do it for me. Call me crazy, but I’m not really into blonds. Never have been, never will be.

So in conclusion, my vote goes to #2 because the HC is very hot and the choad with her is all kinds of awful. Although I do believe Ab Lobster should probably win because he’s just that much of a tool on his own.

Mmm… KellyBelly and Manmaries Army Hottie… nice. Supreme ‘bag hunter Baron Von Goolo lays out the case for Purg Hottie and the Rogue Choad, a case the DB1 agrees merits further consideration going forward:

Rogue Choad – has nothing. NOTHING I SAY! No bling, no unique topiary chin pubes – hell, he’s even wearing a white collared shirt. But this doesn’t stop him from compensating for his stick insect physique with his oh-so-uproarious Pauly Shore off Ritalin impression. Delightful. Purgie’s not throwing a gang sign: she’s ready to wheel on him and perfom a transorbital lobotomy. Moe Howard style. But not before she finishes her Long Island Ice Tea.

But in the end, the Slapster had all the right attributes for a Monthly victor. As Andre the Giant Douche takes home the case for F.C.:

After losing sleep last night over this decision I think I am finally ready to vote. Gotta go with Fish Slap, he is a machine. This is a great example of how study, dedication, and attention to detail can lead to perfection…he is an immaculate douche. He’s like the Michael Jordan of douchebags. I hate to not vote for Ab Lobster, the scrote was seen wearing white pants and pointing at his own abs on multiple occasions…which inspires thoughts of violence and rage I didn’t think I was capable of. But in the end Fish Slap’s flawless execution of textbook ‘bag strategy was enough to conquer just about any foe. I agree with Freak on a Douche, if this site had logo, or needed one image to sum up the content, vision, and mission of the site, Fish Slap would be it.

And so, like The Rooster before him, we elevate Fish Slap’s Jersey as a Monthly winner. Fantastic work in the comments threads, as always, another classic deconstruction, demythologization and devolution of all things de douchey/hottie rank and spewy.

Good work. Toast a cup of the ‘Train to the Fish Slap and his Hottie. For they have transcended.

Rose 'Bag II: Paisley Stench

Lest there was any doubt as to yesterday’s Rose ‘Bag GnR douchosity, let this pic put that to rest.

Stare at the choad. Let it waft over you. For it is choice.

I’m unsure whether hottie is Rocker Hottie from Rose ‘Bag’s previous appearance. But if so, I would love her leopard prints one by one, each given my full and unique devotion: drooling, licking and whimpering like an injured cow. Because I know how to make the sweet sweet love like that.

Indian Meditation

PIC DELETED

It’s like I used to ask my Swami during my period of monastic meditative retreat in the hills of Uttar Pradesh.

“Swami?”, I would ask. “If you build a beautiful girl out of toothpicks, but when you try to hump her she collapses into a pile of wood, then was she really there?”

“Ah, DB1.” He would respond, laughing quietly while taking a pinch of snuff into his wrinkled hands. “We perceive the hotness whether toothpick, flesh, or tattooed bar slut. The projection of the construction embodies the real.”

Then he would instruct me to self flagellate my back with strings of goose feathers and yak hooves while chanting my mantra and tilling the wool jenny. I remained under Swami’s instructions until Punjabi police inquired my status and sent me home. I hitched a ride with a spice merchant named Ace, who told me tales of living under grape leaves during the unrest in Sanawar before stealing away under cover of the rainy season.

We reached port in February in South Carolina, where I apprenticed as a shoemaker before a windfall at craps allowed me to purchase a ticket home on a coal train. I traveled for three days and nights with only the poems of the Vedic Seers to soothe my cracked heel fissures.

The Mack

With all this voting going on, sometimes ya gotta go back to the classics to relax, reflect and regurgitate.

The Mack here is a classic serving of deep fried Jersey scroad.

The cuties on either side are tasty dishes of Kimchi.

And the DB1 is buzzed on Sunny D “plus” before 9am.

All in all, that’s a tasty part of any ‘bag’s nutritional breakfast.

HCwDB of the Week: Shakespeare Edition

To quote the great William Shakespeare: Yea, lest thine eyes deceive, vote for a hottie with a douchebag. For together, they are skeeve.

Ah, ole’ Bill sure knew how to rank out the scrote.

While the voting continues all day in the Monthly, lets also pick a winner from last week’s crop of newbie cutie/douchey wrongness. And by winner, I mean something that resembles week old fish heads.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Bells

Ask not whom the Bells toll for. It tolls for douchebag.

Okay, not a Shakespeare quote, but apt nonetheless. It’s hard to argue with shirtless sleaze, next generation puka shell wrongness, and a librarian hottie who looks ready to party like Henry the V. And as we all know, anyone with a “V” after their name is out of control, alien lizard style.

Bells has the facial uber-douche, the greased up forehead, and presents his package like a true King Leer.

Off with his head, I say.

Yes. That head.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Twin ‘Bags

O Heaven! Were ‘bags but greasy, they were perfect. — The Two Douchebags of Verona.

We have featured Twin Bags before on the site, most notably The Douche Twins, but rarely have two perfect speciments of mirror stage douchosity appeared to ‘bag a sandwich so perfectly. And with a dark haired stage-4 Bleethed hottie, no less.

Yes, she’s chewing rosary beads. But you say that like it’s a bad thing.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Rhyme Royal

All the world’s a stage, and all the douchebags and cuties merely photo-ops; They have their faux hawks and their cleavite, And one ‘bag in his time scroads many hots. — Shakespeare’s “As You Bag It”

Sure the accouterments of douchebaggery, the bling, tats, etc., are not strong with this one. But the douche-face and flip hair are enough to qualify. Not to mention the sweet lollipop hottie. I would dip her in confectioner’s sugar and serve with tea.

Factoring in her clear affection and his douched out mug stare, the rage factor on this pic is high. Together, they make peanut butter. Really nasty peanut butter.

Honorable mention must go out to the hotness of the State School Hotties with Rembrantian Waldouche, Bag Burrito whom apparently appeared on some MTV reality show rendering him a Pro Douche and therefore disqualified, and The Rick James inspired Doucheyfreak.

It was a tough week to sift through the douche-chafe, but these three finalists were well worth the effort.

Don’t forget, voting in the Monthly is also still open all day. It looks to be a photo finish, so make sure to vote in both horse races. And by horse races, I mean horse. Offer up your reasons why your pick for hottie/douchey supremacy rises to the top of the list of Shakesperean classics like a well worn copy of “MacBleeth.”

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Every Rose has it's 'Bag

We haven’t had a dose of Rockerbags on the site in awhile, but like my Flintstones vitamins when I was a kid, they’re chewably delicious. And by chewably delicious I mean sad, annoying, pathetic, highly doucheuous, and greasily scrote.

This may set a record for mandana land mass on the site. We’ve seen giant mandanas before. We’ve seen mandanas the size of the Kalahari. But not like this. That thing is to giant foreheads what pancakes are to catheter tubes. I have no idea what that means, and yet it seems to make sense.

The Leechbag

Uhm, excuse me, Hottie in the Middle. Sorry, I hate to disturb you. But there appears to be a Leechbag trying to mount your shoulder with greasy action tongue grip.

Now, don’t panic. I can get rid of it.

If I spray a highly focused stream of Axe BodySpray into his ear while jingling a giant puka-shell necklace, I’m sure I can get the Leechbag to release his tonguey hold.

As to the giant stalk of bean-choad growing out of your back? Not sure there’s any treatment for that outside of five soul crushing years working at the post office while his band falls apart because the drummer got high and moved to Santa Cruz.

Lars

Lars here wanted to bring over his Red Bull and mini-cuties to announce that the Weekly voting will take place tomorrow, so if you’re longing to get a second chance to trash the Twin Bags, you’ll get it.

Holy gebus I hope that’s a wig. Lars’s two tone pants featuring mini-bulge are enough to scar me for life. Yeesh. Dance Cutie in the back right looks like cream puff goodness. Chin Fungus in the back left looks like pee.

HCwDB of the Month: Abs, Slaps, Choads and Man Boobs Edition

Okay ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and hotties, put down the bottles of Night Train, drop the HoHos, and gather round the pixelated fire. It’s time for another Monthly Ultimate Douche-Off Championship. This month’s four weekly winners each represent distinct subsections of the baggie/hottie kingdom. From retched, all the way to putrid. The choices are many, but the rankness is complete.

Last month’s winner, The Rooster, was one of those slow burn pics. At first it seemed too ridiculous. But the eyebrow shavings and ultimate hot championship winning perkiness of his companion sent the pic into ascendance until douche orbit was achieved.

Which of these four pics will rise to that level of ultimate hottie/douchosity? The answer, my friends, is blowing in the scrotum. The answer is blowing in the scrotum.

HCwDB Monthly Finalist #1: Purg Hottie and Rogue Choad

The DB1’s unhealthy obsession with Purg Hottie is well known. But let the record show that camping out for three days in her recycling bin in the alleyway near her parents’ house just for the chance to drool on her discarded can of Del Monte Peas doesn’t make me weird. Just dedicated.

Rogue Choad here is a phenomenal example of free agent douchebaggery. Those wandering single cell douchebags who practice the symbiote method. Float around, then attach themselves to a host hottie before engaging in ‘bag hand gesture and the douche-face. Rogue Choad may be a clown, but do not underestimate his powers of douchosity. For they are many. And she’s, uhm, how you say, hot.

HCwDB Monthly Finalist #2: Manmaries aka Man Boobs

The hot army cutie.

That.

Together, in a bleak suburban wasteland parking lot. The Warriors, they will come out and play. And Cyrus is pissed.

The disturbing facets of this pic are many. Not the least are the genetic leap from performative femininity to actual breast growth in the adult douchebag male.

And the fact I would masticate on hotties lower thigh like a toothless, feral snake charmer. This is a worthy pic, my friends. Do not underestimate it’s combo scrotey/sexy power to disturb.

HCwDB Monthly Finalist #3: Fish Slap

What more to be said about a pic so hottie/douchey wrong that sixteen readers simultanously gouged out their eyes with ice-cream scoops?

Too much 10 Degree Hat Tilt plus Eyebrow Shavings makes Johnny turn douchebaggy. Give me the nose piercing, Wendy. Give me the nose piercing!

She is sexy all-American girl next door goodness. His chin grates cheese at the local Shoneys.

Throw in stylish dogtags and mini man boobs to rival Manmaries, and you have all the ingredients for a classic HCwDB spew inducing cup of pleasegodkillme.

HCwDB Monthly Finalist #4: The Ab Lobster

As someone aptly observed in the comments thread when this pic first appeared.

Pointing. At. His. Abs.

And lets not forget The Lobster Trap’s second unforgettable ass slapping appearance.

It’s hard to argue with this combination of sweet innocence and three week old sloppy joe meat.

Ab Lobster is everything we think of when we think of douchebaggery. And blondie may be Jersey, but I would love her kneecaps like four year olds eat paste.

Well there they are, folks.

Give it up to four award winning and worthy HCwDB pics.

But only one will survive as our Monthly Winner.

Remember the rules of voting. You must weigh the combined douche-essence of each pic in its totality. It’s aura of human wrongness. The power of the hottie to make you want to eat phonebooks. The disturbing putrid vileness of the ‘bag. Together, they make choad.

Will it be Manmaries? Or Ab Lobster? Or the Fish Slap? Or will Purg Hottie and her Free Agent Choadbag ascend as our Monthly winner?

The rules are clear. The pics are scroad.

The choice is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.