Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Jersey 'Bag Hoagie

This isn’t just the classic ‘bag tri-tip hover sandwich. It’s a ‘bag hoagie. A Jersey extra long sub of douchebaggery and cheese. With extra olive oil.

She may not have a face that would inspire Petrarchian sonnets, but those bosoms deserve whistles of admiration and a celebratory twinkie.

It’s Sunday, and the DB1 is wildly hungover. But there’s a truly oily Monthly HCwDB smackdown setting up for Monday. Yes, one lucky hottie/douchey combo will survive a ‘Baggle Royale between the last four HCwDB weekly winners.

Who will triumph in the smorgasboard of choad? The pu-pu platter of poo? Only your votes will tell.

Scabies

What is scabies?

Scabies is an infestation of the skin with the microscopic mite Sarcoptes scabei. Infestation is common, found worldwide, and affects people of all races and social classes. Scabies spreads rapidly under crowded conditions where there is frequent skin-to-skin contact between people, such as in hospitals, institutions, child-care facilities, and nursing homes.

How did I get scabies?

By direct, prolonged, skin-to-skin contact with a douchebag already infested with scabies. Contact must be prolonged (a quick handshake or hug will usually not spread infestation). Infestation is easily spread to sexual partners and household members. Infestation may also occur by sharing clothing, towels, bedding, Jesus Bling, popped collars or hair products.

Who is at risk for severe infestation?

People with weakened immune systems and the elderly are at risk for a more severe form of scabies, called Norwegian or crusted scabies. Hotties who hang out with total and complete douchebags are also prone to exposure.

Pillsbury Douche Boy

It’s not that this choad is literally fat per se, but something about his douche-essence makes me want to poke him in the belly and see if he’ll go “hee hee!” He is pillsbury douchey douchitude personified. Wisp hair. mid 1980s retro Jams. And shrunken nips the site of chicklets.

Add in the fact he’s trying to look badass while balancing precariously on a beach chair with the metal pole likely shoved up his ass, and you have recipe for Beach Choad.

Hot Wings Hottie features two drumsticks I would dip in honey BBQ sauce and snack on like six hungry homies at a cookout in east L.A. She is deep fried crispy goodness.

Douche La Hoya

Hottie has the brain-assploding reality of being a wholesome, absolutely delectable, chocolate strawberry girl next door flavor, yet she’s wearing a slip in a skeezy nightclub next to Oscar Douche La Hoya. How is this possible? The previous inflated cutie was at least Grieco-infected to a level where douche virus infection explained the hottie/douchey comingling.

But this? This I can not abide.

Put up the gloves, hottie! Watch his right hook! Douche La Hoya is a pro-douche boxer here. Hottie shouldn’t even be in the ring. She should be in my ring. And by ring, I mean a clever boxing euphemism for extended coitus.

And by hook, I mean an extended graphic torture sequence from a Japanese film directed by Takashi Miike. Involving fish hooks. And boiling tempura oil. And wasabe.

Always Bet on Douche

We have nearly all the bases of classic Vegas Douche covered in this pic. The angular douche-chin. Excessive face bling. Tri-colored hair. Wristband from the latest Izaac Mizdouchey line, “Sweatin’ to the Pumpbags.”

No word on whether or not, like all practicing ‘bags, Vegas here is engaging in his yearly pilgrimage to Douche Mecca, the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas. But all signs point to his being a practicing scrote, so assume he’s on his yearly walkabout of spiritual enlightenment. And by spiritual, I mean spittle.

Hottie is too artificial and tatt’ed up to offer any chance of recovery from the Grieco Virus. She is a solid stage-4 Bleether, which is sad. As strictly corporeally speaking, I would suckle her armpits with the fervency of a hyperactive lemur.

Hulk Hands

Note to Fratbags of the world: If you need to use Hulk Hands as your excuse to cop a feel, you got no game.

None.

Just like pouty UNC Fratbag in the foreground seems to grasp. Have another Busch. And by Busch I mean beer.

Friday Rhyme Royal

To sleep, perchance to douche,
Rank, angular frizzle hair,
She makes my happy place wooshe,
He slays my soul with a single stare,
Heaven’s angels no longer care.
I’d nuzzle her hills like Ponce De Leon,
Looking for a drink of freon.

Doucheyfreak

He’s a douchey freak!

A douchey freak ‘bag…

Echo and the 'Baggymen

In the 80s? Kinda cool. In 2007? Kinda Douchey.

Listen up emo ‘Bags, if you think dressing like Axl Rose’s douchey younger brothers is going to attact any hotties, let me tell you…. oh.

Crap.

Douchebags.

'Bag Burrito

Lessee here… dogtags, check. 10 Degree hat tilt, check. Um… Peace sign? Failed “shocker”? Mutant index finger? It’s the ‘bag hand gesture while holding the drink that confuses me. Is it ‘Bag Hand Gesture #48 or #106? Is that a douche-face or simply a scroad-face?

Hell with it. Lets just stamp him choad and call it a day.

Hottie may be artificially tanned, but just because I used a microwave to cook my burrito doesn’t make it any less delicious. I don’t know what that means. But I like burritos.