HCwDB of the Week: The Creeper
It wasn’t even close. A total doucheslide. A six inch tongue of utter rank spew domination.
While auto-HallofScrote JoeyPorsche charmed all of us into gouging our eyes out with rusty spoons and gargling with windex, The Creeps also managed a dominant victory. And by dominant, I mean herpes.
Why? It’s simple. That tongue. That alien creature from 1980s campy horror films tongue.That tongue enforces a bleak and nihilist world view. It kills philosophers. It ends all hope.
As feh23 puts it:
My first instinct was to vote for the Clown. Fish lips on an ass face always make me want to vomit out my eyes.
However, as a woman, I’m going to have to vote for the Creeper as the biggest douchebag of this week. He’s skeezy in a “oh, let Uncle Moe show you” way, and obviously smells of a combination of Axe and fetid balls. Where does a man that old get the idea to get a tongue piercing? Or does his douchbaggyness just make him seem older? No sober woman would take a whiff of those pants, and one can tell just from looking in those red, squinty eyes that (soon to be) herpes riddled chick with him is obviously no sober woman.
A verbal smackdown from the hottie side of the aisle. I like it. Nicely done F23. douchie howser, m.d. takes the verbal broadside even further:
the creeper is one of the most vile, douchespicable scrotephibians i have ever had the misfortune of encountering. this is an uncanny combination of all that is wrong with humanity. he has clearly drugged (look at those bloodshot glazed over eyes) and probably mortally threatened this poor girl in order to get her to offer her tongue to his filthy pierced serpent fork. i imagine she spent the next 5 minutes in the ladies room projectile vomiting while scrubbing her tongue with lava soap. lord knows i did.
Woe is the power of the Bleeth to destroy even the sweetest hottie in the presence of the uber-douche. As Ronald Mcdouchenald aptly puts it:
There is nothing worse than a 40 year old club promoter, except a 40 year old club promoter with that tongue and that hair.
The 40 Year Old Club Promoter. Sounds like a Judd Apatow sequel in the works. But instead of losing his virginity, he gets Douche Cooties and dies. Yeah. And, suffering from grief and dispair, his girl comes over and cooks me a lasagna, then gives me a backrup.
Hey, it could happen.
Toss The Creeps into next week’s Monthly and lets pray for all of our souls.
