Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Welcome to the Douchey House

Ahh…. ahhh……. CHOOOO!!!!

Oh.

Excuse me.

I just sneezed muscle douche all over my monitor.

Ask DB1: The Doggy 'Bag

Reader Lucian writes in:

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I have noticed somewhat of a douchbagnatic trend in some of your more recent articles, which tragically enough in my beliefs contributes to stage 1 and stage 2 bleeth hotties contracting the Douche Virus and morphing into a stage 3 or even stage 4 bleeths. I am referring to the Douchewreck position demonstrated by The Trainwreck, The Boatwreck and Wednesday Limerick. Is this some new douchebag fashion pose we’ve not been warned about… and more importantly why do these hotties seem to be cooperating? I was curious if you could possibly shed some light on the situation and if there is a possible way of warning these hotties of the tragic consequences of cooperation with this particular douchbag pose.

Lucian
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Excellent question, Lucian. Thanks for writing in and asking this.

I’ve noticed the same trend, and have even seen it manifest in ‘bag/hott inversion formation (pictured here). This is a new development in the increasingly morphing and mutating ‘Bag Virus, and it is important that we isolate and quantify it for further study. Or, in other words, mock the scrotey hell out of it. Therefore I am terming this new douche-move, The Doggy ‘Bag.

The Doggy ‘Bag is beyond mere ‘bag hand gesture. It is a completely new and distinct degeneration within the ‘bagg/hott permutations. It also makes my nethers itch like they’ve been pepper sprayed by an angry dwarf.

The Sign

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So does creepy purple aura signify the spirit-world acknowledgement of popped collar douchebaggery? Is it a sign, like Tree Stump Virgin Mary, or silly M. Night Shyamalan movies where aliens who are killed by water land on a planet covered by water?

Swing away, Hottie. Swing away.

The Crystalline Scroteflake

I can’t tell whether that hair is real or some form of crystalline moisture fractal pattern forming at high altitude. Toss in the Starskey and Hutch leather jacket, the douche-tags, and the shined up forehead, and it’s a screaming flaming ball of uberdouche that causes seizures in diabetics.

The gals are no Lei Hotties, but there was no way I was gonna pass up posting Chia Pet Hair on the site.

Besides, I haven’t had my coco puffs yet. And I’m cranky before I have my coco puffs.

Velveeta Cheese

We need to take a collective moment and appreciate the genius that is Velveeta Bag aka The Sleestak. And by appreciate, I mean melt down and grill on two slices of sourdough.

And serve with an icy Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray soda.

Mmm… Cel-Ray.

Goes great with anorexic model hotties.

EDIT: Reader Othello put on his “They Live” sunglasses and revealed what Velveeta really looks like.

RashomonBag

For those complaining I haven’t been featuring enough Asian hotties and ‘bags on the site, here’s a nice box lunch featuring a sexy saki rice wine commingling with Hip Hop Gangsta Kimchi.

Maybe it’s the ‘stache, but tell me RashomonBag doesn’t look like an Asian Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. I would retell his story from five perspectives, all of which end with me kicking him in the nads.

God damn, she’s a cute ball of karaoke singing giggles and shy blushes. I would make her dress up like Go Go Yubari and fly through the air while letting off a high pitched scream, Manga style.

Color Him Bagg II

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Wooooo, ooooeeeoooo…. he wants to douche you UP…. all niiiiiiight….

The ‘Bagg wants to remind you to vote in the HCwDB contest if you haven’t already.

Reappraising the Chinbag

In our recent discussions of ‘bag subgenre, I’d like to return to a discussion of the Chinbag for a moment.

We’ve established facial ‘bag classifications as diverse as the tonguebag, the facial pubes and, of course, the douche-face.

But Chinbags occupy a strange sort of nether-region of ‘bag classification. Like Kevin Spacey’s predilection for 19 year old French boys, it’s ambiguous, confused and smells vaguely like halibut.

If we classify douchebaggery according to performativity, is it fair to lump Chinbags into their own distinct category? Unlike the douche-face, the facial fungle or the tonguebag, a chinbag cannot control the doucheyness of his jawline. It is there from birth.

So is it fair to mock the chinbag as a category of douche? Or must we factor in ancillary factors, like, in the example provided here, the dogtags, poof hairstyle and overall ‘bag demeanor? Not to mention inverted ‘bag sandwich formation.

So is the Chinbag an official sub-category of douchebaggery? Or does a Chinbag require other signifiers of douchebaggery to qualify as legit on the scrote scale?

Yup, these are the questions that plague me. That, and why my refrigerator smells like gouda.

The Nip

Which douche-trend is more frightening? Male nip displays or the rear-end bump and grind?

And is SkywalkerBag pulling a Tyson on Hottie’s ear? Or is she grabbing his Yodas?

HCwDB of the Week

It’s a diverse sampling of the choad/hott in this week’s Weekly douche-off. It was tougher than usual to cull down last week’s submissions to a final three, but I think I’ve fixated on the right grouping. And by fixated I mean rub up against the coffee table when contemplating the hotties while decrying Godlessness when contemplating the wankdouche.

The DB1 had a lovely weekend involving sitting on my carpet, sipping Night Train from my “World’s Greatest Douchebag” mug, and watching my bootleg VHS copies of “Cop Rock,” the greatest show of the 1990s.

But you don’t want to hear about my exciting party weekend of “Cop Rock” videos. You want the finalists. So without further adouche, here they is:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Fly

The Fly is a perfect sampling of next-generation douchebaggery. Note the mutating faux-hawk, the buglike sunglasses and, of course, the tonguebaguousness.

Leering Jewel has that lusty, trampy look that makes the DB1 think impure thoughts about Nuns.

Okay fine, I’ve admitted it.

I have a Catholic Nun fetish. I attribute it to the lack of visual stimulii. Underneath the habit? Who knows what sexiness awaits. I’m tantalized by repressed sexuality and strict formality. It’s S&M by way of cloth robes and large hats. Love it.

But anyways, back to The Fly.

Rage factor? Check. Side boob? Check. Incomprehensible shirt statement? Checkmake.

Douchebaggery, thine eyes behold.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Lei Hotties

A-lo-hot, oy. A-lo-hot, oy.

Hard to argue with this intoxicating blend of three lovely perfect tequila shots and one ginormous toolbag.

These girls are in college, despite the appearance of youngness, so leering is permitted.

Choading up clouds of dust like a white Rick James is Trucker Douche. Exposed pubes? Uberdouche. It takes a lot to impress me these days, but that look definitely does. And by impress, I mean piss off.

As to the Hott, the exposed bellies are enough to set off fits of apoplexy like a flashing Pokemon cartoon.

Toned leopard on the left has he cutest tongue since Sweet Polly Purebread.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Color Him Bagg

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This is one of those pics that grew on me like an alien fungus grew on Steven King in Creepshow.

At first I wasn’t sure the hottie was hot enough. But although the angle isn’t fair, I think she’s cute enough to qualify.

And he is beyond annoying. Douche-face + cap/mandana is a dangerous combo.

The brick background evokes basement coffee shop poetry readings in the mid 1950s. But instead of Ginsberg, Kerouac and Corso we get Humpty Douchey and his blond sidekick with the munchable arms.

Definite contender for the Weekly on the rage factor alone. And the hand with the purse adds a nice narrative to the picture. Who is the purse holder? Why is he/she there?

Only the Shadow knows.

So them’s your finalists. Bagg, The Lei Hotties with Puberchoad, and The Fly. Special shout-out to the genius self-submission from Douche Royale. I couldn’t bring myself to give him a nom for a Weekly since he did self submit, and that kind of kills the fun of true ‘bag hunting.

What say you? Pick a winner and vote in the comments thread.