Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Welcome FHM Readers

A lot of new traffic has been coming in from the FHM website over the past few days, although I still haven’t been able to locate the link on the FHM page that’s sending it. I believe the site was named one of FHM’s top 100 on the web, or it’s just a link of the day, I’m awaiting link confirmation. Being positioned between Bum Fights and Daily Naked Boobies has always been a dream of mine, so I’d like to thank the editors of FHM for the honor.

For those new to the site, you may be asking yourselves, “I’m confused. What does ‘Hot Chicks with Douchebags’ feature pictures of?”

Believe me, it’s a confusing and ambiguous title. I understand.

Now I know what your first gut instinct will tell you. We feature pictures of hot chicks with total and complete douchebags. And you’d be partially right. But we also feature choadbags, fratdouches and guidos that smell like ass. All of whom have found presence in the company of the proverbial hot chick.

Every day’s selection of the hott/scrote features myself waxing opine with bemused ramblings as I sit in sunny Los Angeles lusting after the unemployed starlets reading scripts at my local Coffee Bean. Each pic also features commentary from a number of ‘bag hunters in the comments thread, who take daily aim at the cultural trainwreck of metrosexual gender inversion with rapier wit and extensive references to the joys of side boob.

So welcome new readers, and I hope you’ll stick around. If you have a pic the features both a sexy young librarian hottie and a greased up tight t-shirt sign of the douchepocalypse, send it along to me, your unshowered narrator in all things guido/boobie, DB1.

If you’d like to friend my sorry alcoholic ass on MySpace, here’s my MySpace link.

Or if you’re a sexy piece of naughty girl hottie smoothness and want to send me dirty pictures of yourself dressed as Jenny Agutter in “Logans Run,” do so as well.

I got time. Lots and lots of time. Stupid time.

Mister America

I know what you’re wondering.

Who’s that burning hunk of masculine sexuality in the Mister America shirt, frying a hole through your retinas with his greasy Eurodouche?

Why it’s none other than legendary site fave Velveeta ‘Bag, who has demonstrated extreme Euroskeeze, as well as a distinct resemblance to a Sleestak, here, and here.

What Velveeta ‘Bag demonstrates is that when a ‘bag reaches a superior state of rarified douchosity, the specificities of that douchuousness are not confined to any particular “look” or “style.” The Douche Master can morph and transmutate his inner grease into any number of different scrotey and highly nauseating looks.

Note the “Faith” underwear poking over his douchey belt buckle, as well as two shapely lithe doe cuties pulled into his greasy orbit. And, like any douche superhero, Velveeta’s got a Kato-‘bag sidekick. Dude looks like that British grunge singer one-hit-wonder who married my future ex-wife, Gwen Stefani.

Doggie 'Baggin

Looks like the Doggie ‘Bag move, first introduced through the douchey travesty that is our Monthly HCwDB pic Winner, is rapidly spreading.

Here’s a stage 1 fratchoad, not particularly douchey in look, but busting the rare combo Doggie ‘Bag + Leg Wraparound maneuver. This was once tried in Zurich in the mid 1970s and resulted in a horrible popped collar accident. Not pretty.

Long Island Iced Tea Hottie has a wholesome and perky smile. Which is why I want to lick her ankles like a Brazilian anteater hunting for chocolate covered termites. Yeah, it’s the smile. Not the perfect suggestive billowy hills of cotton and whey, which sing their siren songs of soft comfort and eternal rest within their shadowy confines. It’s the smile.

Okay, it’s not the smile. I mean, the smile is nice, but who are we kidding? I’d dwarf toss those golden globes into next Thursday.

Fauxhawksus

An important intersection point within the subset stratus of the larger frat-douche branch of douchology, is what I like to term Fauxhawksus Sneerdouchsus.

This is an extremely rare and specific subgroup of the subset of the fratdouche tertiary limits within the larger college choadbag groupings.

In fact, the subset is so small, it’s just this guy.

Fauxhawksus requires further dissection and analysis for detailed placement with the distinct rubrics of the subsets of douche analysis. And by analysis, I mean a swift kick to the nads.

Cutie’s not your standard hottie but she’s got that drunk, leering, stumbling, alcholic makeouts by the pool at 2am thing going. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I dig it. Big time.

Douchesketball

If I was picking sides for a basketball game, I’d pick that guy, that guy and that guy.

A douchebag basketball game.

In which being a gelled up scrotedouche with stupid facial expressions and ‘bag hand gestures were the skills valued. Instead of an ability to dribble, pass and shoot like in regular basketball.

Because it’s a douche basketball game. Because I need to explain my jokes like that.

Friday Haiku

Play-doh old guy, hark!
10 Degree Hat will not sell
ancient scrote to Hott.

After the wild west
Doc really let himself go
Deserves slap from Bif

— xander dingleberries

Oh Mighty Meatloaf,
Like a bat out of hell you
Douche up this hottie

– Ryan Seadouche

Jimmy Buffet bag
pollutes Tropical Delight.
Lost salt-shaker found.

– boatbutter

the camera flash
reveals a nice push up bra.
big ‘thank you’ Nikon.

— pfah

Caramel hottie
Striped ‘bag pollutes this picture
Go home, press your shirt

— special ed

PoolBag Alert

Ah, I see PoolBag has ventured out of the pool and found dry land. Watch PoolBag slowly move in on two bar hotties while busting ‘bag hand gesture #74 (dual sideways f-yous).

It’s like witnessing the first primitive amphibian that climbed out of the ocean all those millions of years ago. If that amphibian was a gelled up slice of choadpoo. And instead of giving birth to all mammal life, gave birth to my pissed offedness.

Remember kids, don’t feed the Poolbag. Once you feed him, he never goes home.

Family Guy

I don’t know if Peter GriffinBag pictured here is true middle aged douche or not. Probably not. But his wacky hijinks are always entertaining. Like when he banters with Stewie over who gets to point at the hot chick’s abs. Then Lois comes in, and she’s all, “Peter!! Stop douching up the hotties!!”

Mmm… I would roast soft doughy abs over a low flame with honeysuckle and rosemary.

Yeah, referencing Family Guy is dorky. But I’ve spiked that Trader Joes Blood Orange soda with some tasty Grey Goose I stole from JoeyPorsche. So I’m going with it.

PoolBag

So I’m sitting on my couch enjoying a tasty glass of Trader Joes Blood Orange Soda and a package of Lil’ Debbie snack cakes, when it occurs to me.

I haven’t featured a poolbag in at least a week.

I rush to my computer. And there he is. Illuminated, glowing with religious fervor like a 15th Century Hans Memling painting.

All the requisite douche attributes shine on the wings of angels. And by angels, I mean Grieco. The tats. The tongue. The douche-face. The bikini hottie entraped by his douchey wiles. Well, no hand gesture. But I’ll let that one go.

So I toast my glass of as yet unspiked Blood Orange Soda to you, Poolbag. May your nads get wrinkly and may the chlorine help subside that awkward burning sensation you’ve had since that 3 day binge in Tijuana.

D.A.T. Pop Quiz

Take the D.A.T. (Douche Aptitude Test) sample question:

Hot Striped Hair Ambiguously Asian Hotties are to Blonde shaggy haired 30 Degree Hat Tilt Scroads, as:

1. Tasty Boiled Lobsters are to Saharan Camel Poo
2. Oven Toasted Cinnamon Bon Bons are to Fetid Swamp Marsh Larvae
3. Deep Tissue Massage From Phan at DB1’s Thai Massage Place is to The Two Coreys
4. Macallan 18 Year is to Jury Duty
5. All of the Above