Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Arctic Doucheys

Duude!! We’re huge in Belgium and France!!

No you’re not, Arctic Doucheys.

I promise you. You’re not.

EDIT: And I also blame you for freezing my site all morning. Now get back to pumping my gas.

Wednesday Limerick

A mustachioed hairy douche named Wayne,
Found a hottie sipping rose petaled ‘pagne.
But hottie was crass,
Because Wayne smelled like ass,
And his grease left a nasty couch stain.

HCwDB of the Week: Memphis Choad

Proving that The “Game” ‘bag twaddles running around now with their six point seduction techniques are the fastest rising scrotanions on the Nasdouche Exchange, Memphis Choad crushed the competition and takes the Weekly easily.

This is fascinating, and by fascinating I mean fake Asian boobies, because we haven’t really had a breakout Emo-douche on the site yet.

Most ‘bags have tended to fall along the traditional axes. So in that sense, Emo Choad will add a different flavor to next week’s Monthly Douche-Off. The flavor of poo.

the vote for scrote sums up Emo Memphis’s dominant win:

Wankin’ in Memphis. Eye liner. Cowboy hat. Emo-puss face. Not motorboating the pacific island hotness. Total: douchebag

Well said, TVFS. Short and to the point.

The ambiguously Aussie douchescrote Firedouche came in a solid second, with his shirtless waft and oh so sexy hottie. Ryan Seadouche weighs in on the mohawk ubertatt wank:

I have been on vacation and have not been indulging in this website during that time.

Amen, Mother T, Amen.

Nicely put, R.S. Lips was a disappointing third, although his side-boob found devoted fanatics. In fact, Lips himself emailed me on MySpace:

did you get my email. was on on the site before. anyway to find out you submitted it. i am a total DB bc i f@#king love it.

Thanks for sharing, Lipman. But late entry douchemails won’t help your cause. Mempis Choad was too dominant. douchelicious sums up the Douchin’ in Memphis:

Memphis Choad is the winner for me.

Looking at the douche, I can’t get the thought “I want to stick a compass in his eyelinered eye” out of my head.

Nor can we all, D.

Raise that cowboy hat to the rafters and motorboat some funbags for the Monthly. Next week’s Labor Day Douche-Off is gonna be an epic confronation of hottie/douchey abominations, scrotations, libations and undulations.

Bring it, as the kids say. Bring it hard.

Giovanni

No, Giovanni, I don’t want to come back and “partee like a rock steer” in your suite at Sunset Tower.

But I will borrow that lamp chop ab cutie. For at least 43 quality seconds of DB1 love.

Followed by a long awkward silence.

And then turning on Sportscenter.

Werebag Through the Looking Glass

Okay, maybe Werebag is neither true douche nor European, but simply a dork. And maybe his wide eyed cutie isn’t quite the Valerie Bertinelli we’d all hoped she’d be.

But ya gotta give it up to Werebag.

He sure knows how to party like a 19th Century Lewis Carroll opium induced fever dream.

The Soggy Rye

Oh prime Douche Face. My desire to smack you with a soggy rye dipped in the Hudson is great.

But first I shall long for the exotic Joy Luck Boobs which I would set off firecrackers to in February while feasting on boba and Pocky.

The Kitchen Bag

Were the strangling only real and inflicted by a large former Marine nicknamed “The Lumberjack,” I would renounce my sinning ways and switch to decaf.

Bluejean Booty is large, firm and succulent. She sublimates desire and tastes like Cherry Coke.

Chaos Douche Theory

On the other side of the world, somewhere in mainland China, a young boy stares at a butterfly flapping its wings.

And the boy has a flash of inspiration.

“Somewhere, on the other side of the world,” the boy thinks to himself. “A skeezed up spiky haired uberschlort in a club is connected to that butterfly.”

Because in Chaos Douche Theory, there is one thing and one thing only we can theorize: Club douches are connected to butterflies in China.

It’s an early theory. I’m still working on it.

The Werebag

Beware, Fiona!

The Werebag is on the prowl!

Yeesh. Those eyes sap my soul of the will to live. I think we need to start up a new gameshow: Douche or European?

Then again, that’s not always an either/or proposition.

Skinny McWad

Skinny McWad’s sexy two-tone hair and stylin’ mini soul patch compliment the inverted eyewear to present true uber-douche in powerful superhero action.

Watch as Skinny ropes a deliciously plump 7-of-9 hottie!

Observe his scrotey superhero powers in web-slinging motion!

Ka-pow!!

Whack!!

A-douche!!