Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Cro Bagnon Harem

Cro Bagnon see douchebags.

Cro Bagnon SMASH!!

Cro Bagnon feel better.

Cro Bagnon cuddle with hottie harem.

Puffs

Okay, the whole peroxide blonde fauxhawk / mohawk thing on over 30 choads desperately clinging to fading relevancy?

Please stop.

Just stop.

And if you ever doubt the power of the douche vortex, observe this former cutie. Too much exposure to the Grieco Virus and she’s a stage-4 douchebaguette with 10 Degree Hat Tilt.

Even worse, the DB1 is out of Coco Puffs.

Now really, how am I supposed to enjoy my healthy nutritional breakfast without my Coco Puffs?

Paisley Panties

PIC PAISLEY PANTIFIED

It’s almost Friday night, and you know what that means.

Time to get your freak on in your best pair of aqua blue paisley panties.

What are your plans for tonight?

More than a Feelin'

What intrigues me about Insect Tom Petty is that his early 80s ironic retro “Boston” t-shirt seems to have something else written on the album cover artwork instead of the name “Boston.” But I can’t make out what it says. “O’Neill”? “One ill”? “I’m a heaving scrotebag who needs a shave”?

Choke collars don’t do it for me, but perky healthy viable wombs make “procreation” sound like “recreation.” Because I’m crazy with the word puns like that.

Hey, whaddaya want. It’s Friday.

EDIT: Here’s the original Boston album cover.

'Bag Tagging

One of the key skills a trained ‘bag hunter must hone is the ability to process the hottie/douchey image quickly and with expert deconstruction. To instantly parse hott from choad. A sort of douche wheat/chaff separation analysis.

The skilled ‘bag hunter would be able to glance at this gaggle of curvy lunchable takeout sashimi hotties and be able to bag and tag the ‘bags in under 3.4 seconds.

Ready? Go.

Double Chin Grinbag, Stu the Plumberbag, and Kevin from accounting with a fetish for Europorn bondage DVDs.

Once appropriately mocked by an experienced ‘bag hunter, the three douches are thus adequately neutralized, and boob lusting may begin in earnest.

I would douse black miniskirt’s legs in tartar sauce and read her Tolstoy by candlelight. We would argue about Russian nihilism and then I would hump her Teddy Bear until she called her older brother to come over and kick my ass.

Friday Haiku

There’s no mystery,
Belly button lint tastes good,
Like sweet Pumpkin Pie.

Shania Twain hott
he’s still the one you run to
for Dior douche licks

– little douche kook

Ha, beer can bruise on thigh
this is your second chance, choad.
“I’ll pop off your head.”

— replicantx

Drinking Miller Light
While licking a hottie is
White trash times ten, bro

– Ryan Seadouche

take off sunglasses!
you cannot see where to lick,
vagina armpit.

— kellybelly

why is she wearing,
dale earnhardt’s driving goggles?
Four tires and fuel.

— the alpha douche

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: "Mystery" from The Pickup Artist

To all of you ridiculous asswads with your seven point pickup plans and strategeries to “seduce women in sixty seconds,” here’s a clue: you are douche.

You are not stylish. You are scrote.

If you are getting any, it’s simply because your douchebaggery triumphs in a culture gone rot. But what you contribute in polluting the culture with your douchuousness more than denigrates any short term gain in temporary possession of the funbags.

So take your “game,” take your “how to seduce women” seminars, your inane lecture circuits and your seduction websites and stuff them up your designer brand silk shirt, your soul patch and your excessive hair product. You are simply another form of douche: The Gamebag. You sell your warmed over Deepak Chopra by way of Frank T.J. Mackey by the yard and hope for the cable show score before someone realizes what a hacktastic pile of warmed over repackaged New Age “Iron John” regurgitation you really offer.

You get ass? Good for you.

The hotties love you? Congratulations.

You’ve reduced flirtation and the thrills of seduction to a militaristic set of rules, guidelines and psychological manipulation techniques you learned from the Khmer Rouge brainwash techniques of the 1970s Killing Fields? Fantastic.

You are still a raging pile of douche. And all the hotness in the world won’t change that. Because hiding behind the scoring of poonanny is only a temporary fix. The blight of your soul(patch) is forever.

Doggie Douchin'

Vin Douchel here goes beyond the simple Doggie ‘Bag move into the extra-dimensional realm of the Doggie Douche. He employs simultaneous one handed Doggie ‘Bag, second hand Douche Hand Gesture #67, and a scrote-face scrunch that transcends mortal human choadery. It is Super String Theory Douchebaggery. A move so complex it rewrites the laws of space/time/’bag.

Warning: To aspiring douchebags, scrotewanks and lemon scented choadmellons reading this site, do not attempt this move at home.

Only the truly ascendant Zen Douchebag Masters who have studied with the Trappist Monks of the Scrotal Abbey in Uttar Pradesh can reach such a bliss state. And by bliss state, I mean total asswank.

Fluff Head

Remember having that photo taken when you’re a Freshman where you think to yourself, “In twenty years I’m going to laugh at what I look like right now.”

In Fluff Head’s case, photog was already laughing. It’s like time travel. Fluff Head is dated before he’s even date.

Modern art dresses confuse me, but Girl Next Door looks sweet, wholesome and secretly dirrty. If only she wasn’t grabbing at Fluff Head’s sardines.

'Bag / Not a 'Bag

I have to be fair to ambiguously Russian Sergei Ivanadouche here. Other than the unbuttoned shirt and some vaguely bizarre hair weave, there aren’t really enough douchebaggery signifiers to stamp him Scrote.

Well, other than the fact he’s got three macarena princesses rubbing up against him like hallucinogenic kittens and I’m sitting here on my floor flicking dried Joes Os off my rug.

So what say you? Is the douche-face and the ridiculous silk shirt enough to qualify Sergei as ‘bag? And more importantly, would suckling on brunette’s shoulder blade like an infant goat get me arrested in Tennessee?