Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Leprechaun

Check out Leprechaun ‘Bag, touching the inner thigh of his hott with the possessive insecurity of a cornered doberman.

Don’t growl at me, Leprechaun ‘Bag.

My attempts to enjoy Long Island Iced Tea Hott are hampered by my fixation on your Ten Degree Hat Tilt (TDHT).

And the fact that no matter how tough you pose, Leprechaun ‘Bag, you’re still letting her use your lap as a side table for her purse.

A "doozer of Sober Busters"?

Frathunter writes in:

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First and foremost, love the site.

I also would like to add that he always mentions taking girls to the “Bone Zone.”
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You had me at a “doozer of sober busters” but the “bone zone” takes this whole thing to the next level of genius. If a “doozer of sober busters” isn’t accepted in the 2012 Revised Webster’s Dictionary, then I’m not doing my job properly.

Stamp this brain grenade and frat soda drinking choad one of the first official SlangBags we’ve featured on the site.

Mainly because most of these pics can’t talk. Which is probably a good thing.

Captain Jack Spackle

Arrr, avast there, bro!! It’s talk like a douche-pirate day!!

Shiver me Timbaland!! Arr!!

Ahoy!! Tell me how ye like my mandana, matey??

Avast, I’m loaded to the gunwales with douchey tribal tatts, arr!!

Yo-ho-ho, and a Bottle of Grey Goose!!

ahem

Sorry. I’m over it now.

K Hottie Checks In

‘Bag hunter extraordinaire and sexy blond minx, K Hottie, checks in with another capture story:

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DB1 –

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A name for this guy? How’s Southern Scumfort? Although in the grand scheme of the douchological arts, he’s really not that bad.

Except there’s that white belt again.

Is the white belt the new Ubiquitous Red Cup? The key signifier of douchebaggery presence in a scrote?

The Armpit of America

Uhm, honey, when they say Jersey is the armpit of America, they don’t mean that literally.

But there’s that white belt again.

Was there a sale at Loehmanns last month?

HCwDB of the Week: Taco Bell Edition

So I’m watching football yesterday, and that Taco Bell ad comes on with the annoying fauxhawk hipsters offering up witty Madison Ave focus tested repartee about the super coolness of chili con carne. Older Madison Ave created “cool guy” lectures younger Madison Ave created “cool guy” about the proper way to spread the chili on the chips.

Because nothing’s quite so tasty as processed rat meat on a taco shell that was probably made by 9 year olds in giant gothic Taco Bell slave factories somewhere off the coast of Baja.

So anyways, the ad. One ad executive created hipster douchebag turns to the other and says, “Always, ALWAYS, put chili on your con carne.”

And I’m thinking to myself, are they subtly ripping off, or paying some sick demented homage to Alec Baldwin’s brilliant monologue in Glengarry Glen Ross? Some last, desperate attempt by a hack copywriter to pay tribute to brilliant writing and feel less awful about his lot in life? In the middle of a freaking Taco Bell ad?

I turn it over to the late, great genius, Bill Hicks.

We miss you, Bill. I couldn’t have said it any better than that.

On to the finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Queen Bee and the Power Chord

There’s a certain everyday rot taking place in this pic. That retro musician dude stuck in the early 1980s who still somehow manages to score the superhot sister of your best friend.

I’m looking at you, Hannah.

You flirted with me all through high school. Let me see you change by the pool and pretended you didn’t know I was there. You even made out with me at your brother’s party on Senior Skip Day.

Then you went off to Michigan State and two years later you came home with Power Chord douchebag. That mid 30s Ron Johnson who works at the stereo store at the Mall and drives a Camaro.

The dude who doesn’t care whether she comes, stays, lays or prays, whatever happens, his toes are still tappin’.

For bringing up that memory alone, crossbred as it was in my confused subconscious with Fast Times at Ridgemont High dialog, The Queen Bee of Hott and her Power Chord of suck are a worthy finalist.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Douche or Dali

I appreciate any hottie/douche pic that vaguely resembles mid century surrealist art.

Although Peroxide Blondie is a bit too “enhanced” for my tastes, her Daisy Duke hottness still resonates.

Then there’s 84 Degree Hat Tilt. Who looks vaguely anime. Or a rejected character design for Disney’s “The Fox and the Scrote.”

And then the shirtlessness, continuing its rampage across our culture like a swarm of killer bees.

All bad.

Very, very bad.

Make it stop. Please, won’t someone make it stop.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tony With the Car Dealership

There’s a certain extra something lurking in this pic that just prevented me from not including it in the Weekly.

I think it’s Tony.

But it could also be sweet perky Katie Hottie, with the sinful body that she probably hasn’t remotely figured out how to use.

Like a Ferrari being driven by a 89 year old great grandmother named Claire.

Some hotties have the car, they just haven’t figured out how to drive stick yet.

Or are my entendres getting just a bit too silly?

Oh, and Tony?

Shoulderpads. Are douche.

I don’t know whether you should win HCwDB of the Week or donate those pads to help Cuban illegals sail across the Gulf of Mexico.

So them’s your three.

In the grand tradition of Taco Bell, I put it to you like a case of the runs. Which of these three is worthy of Weekly status? Car Dealer Tony and his Sweet Cutie? Queen Bee and her Power Chord? Or the surreal Douche or Dali posse?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Actorbags

It’s Sunday, and The DB1 is hungover from last night’s carousing attempts to save the hotties of greater Los Angeles from pollution by endless stubbly actorbags.

Sure they might not have any visible means of employment. Or evidence of actual talent. Or a car.

But dammit if they aren’t one of the DeVry Technical Institute’s featured alumni in this month’s newsletter.

And check out their prominent headshot in between Ensign Harper from Enterprise and Suitcase Opener #22 on Deal Or No Deal featured on the “Wall of Fame” at the Celebrity Cleaners on Hillhurst.

They’re so damn charming, ladies. I understand. Simply overlook the herps sore and pound another Lemon Drop.

Here’s to you, Seal ‘bag with the abs and tongue disease. And here’s to you, Stephen Baldwin Douche Face. May your audition for “Featured Audience Member” for the pilot of “Boy Meets World: Miami” go swimmingly.

Because it may be Goofy, but at least it’s Disney, right?

Lost Limerick

Soprano #1 writes in:

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well let me start off by saying i appreciate your honesty.. but obviously i am featured on ur site this month.. im the one with my friend and his girlfriend in the middle.. its pretty f@#$ed up that u have the time to bash me but u kno what i take it as a compliment cause i get hot girls and that just proves it.. id really appreciate it if u took me off ur site because its not right.. u have a right to ur opinion but i have a right also ..so do me that favor and take me off. thanx
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I don’t like to think of it as “bashing.” I prefer to view it as an erudite cultural critique of the neo-Marxian understanding of social capital, or what Adorno calls the “culture industry.”

Or, put another way, I likes to tool on teh spikey hair grease douche.

And since I didn’t have a pic to accompany this email, here’s a gaggle of hott with two carefully selected choice premium toilet cleanses.

The Douche Toad

Anyone see my trust fund frat-boy douche toad?

I know I left it around here somewhere.

The business major at State who plays bass in classic rock coverband Sonic Hedgehog on Tuesdays during the Ribs Nibs and Dibs buffet at The Wings Shack? You know the type.

The dude who makes kissy lips and dual ‘bag hand gestures when grabbing two sorority sisters from Puta Kappa Beta Carotina.

I see you, saucy Vanessa Carlton hottie on the left. Oh yes I do. I will compose two chord melodramatic songs and bang on a piano with minimal talent in your honor.

Ass Pimples

Ever get hit in the face with a frying pan, and that cartoon “boing” wobble sound gets made? Me neither. But if I ever got hit in the face with a frying pan, that’s the noise I would expect.

That sort of wobbling saw noise. If I were to linguisticize the sonics, it would go:

ba-yung-yung-yung-yung.

That’s what it feels like staring at these two ridiculous hemorrhoidic ass pimples.

ba-yung-yung-yung-yung.

I know. It’s Saturday. I’m supposed to go light with the pics today. Especially after a run of some pretty choice hottie/douchey couplings over the last week. But hell. I’m about to get on a treadmill and work off last night’s steak, so I need something to piss me off and get me motivated.

These Ass Pimples are like crack for the anger soul. I’m gonna release a workout tape based on this principle. “Sweatin’ to the Douchies.”

I know these clowns have been featured before on the site. Is that The Crustacean, our Monthly Winner and douche-partner of fellow sea faring creature, Fish Slap? Or are they all looking the same at this point? And does that make me a douche-racist?

I can’t tell if Aqua Brunette is true hott, but from what I can tell, she’s workout worthy. White is in that awkward mid 20s stage between college and “young soccer mom.” Don’t buy the SUV just yet, Future Soccer Mom. First ditch the Ass Pimples and come have a drink with The DB1.

I promise to offer you cheap wine out of a corkless bottle and served in a plastic cup. Hey, it may not be much, but at least I’m not those ass pimples.