Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Norma Desmond's Monkey

Bury it out back. In the garden.

In a white casket lined with red silk.

HCwDB of the Month: Turkey Edition

Here we are. The HCwDB of the Month.

Who will join last month’s winner, The ‘Bag Islander? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

But before we get to this 4-Choad/Hott Clash in the last Monthly before the annual Douchey Awards, I’ve made a couple of executive decisions:

1. The Stereodouchtonic Twins are in the Hall. They’re just too ridiculous not to be.
2. Ricky will not get his own space in the left-hand column. But for embodying the glorious Everybag, Ricky will be receiving a Douchie Award in December’s annual Douchies. So Ricky fans can boogie to his award winning averageness forever.

On to the finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Douche or Dali?

Ah yes.

The surreal masterpiece of abstract grease-art.

The neo-pointilist post George Seurat mish-mash of abstract douche by way of a pop culture Warholian lens.

It’s almost mean to subject you to this pic so early on a Monday.

But contenders, this picture is.

One classic ‘bag sandwich, to go. With extra silicone.

And a choke necklace on a shirtless choad. What more could you want? Aside from a lobotomy to forget this monstrosity is even real.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Batbag

As acclaimed novelist Michael Chabon explored in his 2000 novel The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, the first American superheroes were drawn by the immigrant children of greased up Eurodouches.

Batbag here is not simply superhero.

He is also metaphor for the deep-rooted cultural negotiations at work in mass art. The everyday pop artifacts that expose the threads of cultural influence. The “low culture” items explored by all historical materialists. And by “low culture,” I mean greasy tatted eurodouche.

And lets not forget Bobbin’, his scrotey sidekick. And the MILF Cute.

Yup. That’s a quality pic. Forgot how much I missed the Batbag.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Jack Scrotington

A deceptively douchey pic when it first arrived, it took awhile for Jack Scrotington’s skeletal cornrows to catch on.

Jack is like a W.W.E. ‘Bag. The Stone Cold Steve Gator stare.

A couple of Ring Girl Hotts on either side. Pink Pout on the left is deceptively cute, with highly suckable neck.

And don’t forget Scrotington’s creepy, obsessed #1 Fan, Ted.

Get out of the picture, Ted.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Limey

A perfect balance between a sexy Miami Beach hooha and a pouty one-gloved uberdouche.

As with any great HCwDB pic, the balance between the polarities is strong with this one.

And hey.

Pink lipstick.

Which looks good on her, too.

Special props for the combo one-glove-Shocker move. Where’s Bruce Campbell to lift up a shotgun and blow that hand away?

Even now we have your darling Linda’s soul… as she suffers in torment!!

Sorry. Had a quick Evil Dead II moment.

God damn. I don’t envy you your task. These are four worthy hottie/douchey pics. But only one can win. Only one couple can emerge from the Octagon of Douche triumphant. Which will it be?

In this, the week of Turkey, which is your pic of carved choice?

Think long. Think hard. Think another euphemism that could be either sexual or sports related. Vote, as always, in the comments section.

Urkelbag / Not an Urkelbag

Et tu, Steve Urkel?

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Fabio

It’s time to elevate the legendary Fabio to the pantheon of great douches of history.

Fabio’s always been on the cusp of non-douche given his ironic posturing and self awareness of his own ridiculousness. It’s hard to work up much rage against a guy in on the joke of his own absurdities.

But who are we kidding. Look at that poo slap worthy chin. Yeah, I know I’ve said in the past that the Chinbag is a victim of genetic happenstance and shouldn’t be condemned for chin alone.

But then there’s the hair. And last week’s Clooney Incident. Douchey.

So for decades of utterly ridiculous preening, cheesy shtick and overall putzitude, Fabio makes the case for an Honorary ‘Bag of the Month.

Toss in some MTV generi-hotts six months away from their Penthouse spreads, and you have a classic HCwDB celeb pic.

The Guido Dance

Many people have written in and asked me, your hungover narrator in all things douchey/thigh-suckle, about the Douchebaguette.

What does it look like when a young hott, once clean and pure like snowflakes no one could ever stain, has spent so much time in the presence of the douche that she becomes Bleethed to a point of unredeemability.

This video clip explains the Douchebaguette in action. It is tragic. Yet still boobie. A paradox of head assplosion.

Beach 'Baggin'

I can’t tell which is classier. The Doggie ‘Bag on the beach or the lighter on the ass cheek.

But there’s one thing I do know.

It’s Friday Night. Time to go out, pound some PBRs, and liberate a hott or two from the clutches of a greasebag.

This means you. If you’re a guy, get out there and start liberating. If you’re a hott, get out there and kick a douche in the ballsack.

Your unwashed narrator, The DB1, is satiated after a tasty Trader Joes chicken and rice dish, downed with a tasty cup of the ‘Train, and polished off with a Twinkie or three.

Looking good, Mortimer! Feeling good, Valentine!

Time to start drinkin’.

Hair to the Throne

PIC DELETED

How would one describe the little tuft of hair trying to commit suicide by jumping off Anthony Keidis ‘bag’s head?

A douche follicle?

A greasicide?

Peroxide blondes make my heart go pitter-patter and my wallet run and hide.

Sweet and Sour

All chocolate is good.

There’s premium chocolate. There’s hershey’s chocolate. There’s generic chocolate.

All have varying degrees of quality.

But then there’s Godiva Chocolate. The highest quality. Premium. That’s this perfect chocolate bar in the middle. She is choice.

Then there’s Hand.

Rubbing himself. Grinning like a choad. The faintest hint of eyebrow shave.

He is turd.

The Lone STD

Stereodouchetonic Twin #1 is sad that you did not vote him into the Hall of Scrote.

He mourns with crimson artificial tan and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle water.

He consoles himself with bluish Jesus bling. And a torso that Ripley and the crew of the Nostromo just landed on after picking up a distress signal in space.

And by doggie baggin’ a Spanish Tamale with quality bumper that I would trade silken furs to spice merchants in Paraguay for.

Friday Haiku

Wind wisps through the clouds,
Seagulls flutter above, high.
Behold. Seagull crap.

Mandana and pigtails
Man boobs and belly
Pasties suck

— Marcos Douchebagdatis

Melons and his paunch.
Three smooth, convex surfaces.
Douche Geometry.

— reservoir douche

I feel sorry
for the embarrassed parents
of hot star boobies

-condoucheous

Wind wisps through pillows.
Sun makes pillows visible.
God bless Silicon.

-Amerigo Vesdouchey

As Bleeth consumes soul
Feel free to use mandana
To wipe away tears

— xander dingleberries