Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

In-a-Gatta-da-Vegas

Great googley moogley.

Some days I should’ve just stayed in bed.

Bobby McNobby

It’s always a little weird laughing at greasy douchefaces during the holidays and heading into the New Year.

I feel like I should be festive.

I should forgive these scrote-stooges their rank body odor and culturally offensive garb. I should indulge their kissy lips and hand gestures while they grease all over a young plaything.

But then I remember I’m doing God’s work.

By working out our boobie lust and ‘bag rage through the privileging of hott/scrote within the simulacra of mutual disgust, we help to affect change. In other words, by ragging on the poo, we ensure a happy New Years for all.

So when we put it that way, it’s all good.

Happy New Year, Bobby McNobby. Now take your chin fungus, your ‘bag hand gesture, the hovering bottle of Goose, and blow it out your A/E. 2008 just called. It says you’re going down.

Grease One for the Zipper

It’s not enough to wear the skintight orange rayon sleeveless body vest.

Ya gotta zip it baby.

Zip it good.

Zebrahawk and Eggnog

In Pic #2 we see Zebrahawk pre-Zebrahair. Like a ripening banana, he is still green with budding douchosity.

But other than the exploding hair, forehead grease and douche everything, Zebrahawk really isn’t that bad.

And by isn’t that bad, I mean like shoving tiny angry pelicans with razor blades for beaks up your nostrils and sneezing.

I don’t know what that last metaphor meant. I blame it on the eggnog.

Zebrahawk

Watch the toxic swirl of societal wrongness mix together as this hottie/douchey spew flushes down our collective drains.

This is all that has gone wrong within douche culture, personified in one singular action pic.

Zebrahawk.

He spreads his virus on contact.

Unredeemable Hott is lost, her kissy lips bespeak a Bleeth Virus with enough intensity to create a bad CG Zombie that Will Smith pretends to be afraid of.

The matching muscle-ts are the icing on the log.

But hey. Boobies.

Boobies never lie.

Winter Wonderbag

No hand gestures needed here. Just the lower facial scruff and perfect for snowboarding sloped hair to stamp ‘wonderbag’ in big neon letters on this putz’s forehead.

Yeah, you, asschin. You are a tool.

Reese Witherspoon is giving me the eye. It says, ‘I may be kissing the high cheekbones of a greased up eurobag, but I’m really into having my butt spanked with licorice and brussel sprouts.’

I knew it. I can tell just by looking at her.

Ah… so many choads to mock.

2008 is going to be a good year.

Douchebags Roasting on an Open Fire

douchebags roasting… on an open fire… Jackoffs sipping a Bud Light…

Ba hump hump hump hump…

Holiday Wishes from HCwDB

Happy Holidays, from all of us (well, me) here at HCwDB!

I will be on reduced hottie/douchey mocking this week, but will still be getting pics up as they come in, and prepping pics for a new year of mocking, boob lusting, and orange.

Don’t forget to check out The Winter Gator, courtesy of reader Happy Jihad, who says: ‘Happy Freakin Holidays!’

Or The Gator and Friends, saying something involving “Yo” and “Bra.” from reader, Squatch.

And if you wanna submit a pic of a hottie/douchey combo, email me at douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com.

Or you can simply stare at Stubblebag here, trying to check out Santa’s Little Helpers.

HCwDB of the Year: The Joey Porsche Experience

It wasn’t even close.

The mighty Fish Slap and the powerful Donkey Douche have fallen.

And while this award is supposed to summon the Zen totality of both the hottie and the ‘bag in communion, the power of the Joey Porsche Experience was enough of a singularity to carry him all the way to Supernova.

However, J.P. does appear to have a regular hott, she is the blonde minx who makes periodic appearances with him. And so I have included her in the award winning pic.

A well deserved and final 2007 Douchie Award for HCwDB of the Year goes to… The Joey Porsche Experience.

And while there were many great hottie/douche combos this year, JPE proves himself transcendent.

And by transcendent, I mean really freakin’ douchey.

To recap the entire list, your 2007 Douchie Award Winners are:

Hottest Hott of the Year: Pajama Choad’s Hott

Smells Like Poo: Tatman Begins

Best Golden Globes: Boobies Spake Zarathustra

Most Annoying New Douche Move: Pointing. At. His. Abs.

Douchiest Joey Porsche Wannabe: Johnny Blaze

Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy: The Bells

Most Expensive First Date Hott: Strawberry Cheesecake

Douchiest Twins: Stereodouchetonic Twins

Douchiest Band of the Year: Buckcherry

Douchiest Group Scrote: The Douche Platoon

Spikiest Hair: Douchsplosion

Best DB1’s Future Ex-Wife Hott: Purg Hottie

Douchiest Everybag: Ricky

Most Polluted HCwDB Couple: The Chestnut Trees

The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: The Gator

Douchiest Popped Collar: Pinky

Douchiest Celebrity Couple: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Long Journey

Orangest Orange: The Prompas

Sexiest Librarian Glasses: Scrotey Opie’s Hott

Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott: Clay Wankin’s Hott

Hottest Innocent Getting Greasetackled: Chandlerbag and the Bumper

Most Annoying ‘Bagling: White By Unpopular Happenstance

Douchiest Superhero: The Batbag

In Memoriam: Pumpy

Great work to all who participated in the brilliant comments threads, votes, opinions and a special shout-out to the regulars, both commentators and ‘bag hunters, who keep the site filled with hottie/douchey energy on a daily basis.

It’s Friday, The Douchies are over, and your humble narrator on all things ArmaniExchange/Cleavite, The DB1 is in New York preparing to get wrecked and save a hottie or three. So I tip my cup of Night Train and congratulate all of our 2007 Douchie Winners. It’s time to start drinkin’.

Hottest Hott of The Year: Pajama Choad's Hott

In one of the most closely contested votes of the 2007 Douchies, PCH barely edged out Blister’s Hott and the Burrito.

Some argued her win may be tainted by the lack of clothing advantage, and by tainted I mean my drool on her outer thigh while she pepper sprays me and calls the cops.

But her perfection cannot be denied. Even the presence of a douched up Eurochoad from Dusseldorf or Luxembourg isn’t enough to stop its radiant pull.

Now many of you may be thinking of a different hott from the past year that warms the cockles of your cockles. If you are a female reader, warms the cockles of your pillowcases. But fear not, fellow travelers. For although PCH gets the 2007 Douchie, we all win.

And by win I mean boobies.