Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Douchiest Group Scrote: The Douche Platoon

As if there was any doubt that these Spring Break choads would win a Douchie for categorizing the Skittles Rainbow of scrote variation. The Platoon first made their appearance back in April.

Spring Break choadology, gone but not forgotten.

And she is absolutely teeth meltingly hot.

Also, check out what happened to the Douche Platoon moments after this pic was taken. Oh well, Platoon. Maybe next time.

Spikiest Hair: Douchsplosion

Give it up to the exploding cactus hair of Douchesplosion, who first crystallized on the site back in April.

The fact Douchsplosion came from nowhere to overtake both Wheatstalks and The Crystalline Scroteflake is one of the upset shockers of the 2007 Douchies.

Like Kevin Costner beating out Martin Scorsese for Best Director in 1990. Or American Beauty winning anything outside of a pie eating contest in Wil Wheaton’s imagination.

Douchsplosion has that certain je ne sais quaff. Oh wait, it’s pretty obvious. He’s got a really big-ass cactus head. And two Frosh Sorority Cutes. That’s enough to win the category.

Besides, the Stalks and the Scroteflake, honorable Mentions to: BOING! and White Buckwheat, in this hotly contested Douchie.

Best DB1's-Future-Ex-Wife Hott: Purg Hottie

As if there could be any doubt.

For tiny, pixie brunette hotness. With cat eyes, sexy stare, sultry hair, and perfect tiny boobage. For maintaining preturnatural cool in the face of an avalanche of douches, Purg Hottie is my love.

Marry me.

Then divorce me six months later for your Yoga instructor.

Take half my money. I beg of you.

Douchiest Everybag: Ricky

And while you’re mulling your vote in the Yearly, lets hand out another no-brainer 2007 Douchie.

The abstract douchal spirit that inhabits the ever-dancing and ever-unperturbed Ricky deserves it.

Give it up to the Rickster. He first danced his way into our hearts back in September.

No real signs of douchebaggery to be found.

Yet all that is eternal personified in one singular dance maneuver, with a hint of insecurity over his disinterested hott.

Keep on dancin’, Rocky.

You are The ‘Bag Within us all, dancing, ever dancing, ever struggling to get out.

HCwDB of the Year

Without further ado, the finalists:

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Joey Porsche

This is getting tricky, because people like Joey P. live outside any single image, and thus it becomes harder for us to determine the rules of voting.

But since most of the finalists appeared numerous times, I think it’s unavoidable that we take in the totality of doucheyness in making our selection.

This may be why The ‘Bag Islander made a courageous run, took Joey P. down to the wire based both on the strength of the perfect hott on the boat behind him and the “Bra!!” face, but still fell short.

Because the ‘Bag Islander, while a genius Monthly winning pic, is a one-off. J.P. is legend.

The Kissy Lips. The blond cutie. The “Friends.” The man tan.

The Joey Porsche Experience. From here to Acapulo, are you “adicted to wut his dic did?” Ya digggggg?

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Donkey Douche

While the other picture of DD and his uberhott won the Monthly, this is probably the best pic for Donk to represent in the Yearly.

After crushing the capable Rooster and Crustacean, the first doucherstar of 2007 makes a well deserved appearance in the Finals.

Also the underrated qualities of this sexy Eastern European slavic cutie deserve credit.

She has the eyes of a Nadja from Warsaw, and as such, I’d WWII her bombers in every conceivable metaphor of metaphors.

In judging any HCwDB of the year winner, it is the noxious fumes of both hott and scrote that must be weighed on the yin/yang zen calibration tuning fork of life.

And on that factor alone, this pic of the Donkster represents.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Fish Slap

After a valiant effort by the Trainwreck (who came thisclose to the upset), Fish Slap took the prize in the semis and slapped his way to the finals.

As with Donk and J.P., I’ve swapped out their Monthly pic winner for what I consider to be the best selection of hottie/douchey commingling from their oeuvre.

Here we see the Slap’s frequent companion of hott on the left. And an innocent Jenny who wandered by and got caught in the oceanic cross fire.

Shaved eyebrow. Jesus bling. Forehead grease. And, as one commenter observed, the Kissy Lips without effort.

The impressive pull of that hott brings balance to the Douche Force, and renders a Finals worthy HCwDB pic.

So them’s your three. The choice isn’t easy. But it never is.

You’ve heard all the arguments. You’ve studied the boobs and the boobies.

Now you must step up and vote. Which combination of raging douche and lucious hott sets off the fire alarms in your psyche? Which pic is deserving of taking the 2007 Douchie for HCwDB of the Year?

That’s up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Most Polluted HCwDB Couple: The Chestnut Trees

This greased up couple slid into our hearts, and by hearts I mean collective contempt, back in August. And I still feel unclean.

Yeesh.

Yech.

A well deserved 2007 Douchie to you both.

Now please don’t sit on my new sofa.

The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: The Gator

The Gator.

What more can be said?

The Gator is beyond the yearly Douchie Awards, and deserves nothing less than the Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Douchie for outstanding contributions to the field of douchology.

And by outstanding, I mean ridiculously douche everything.

For bringing shame to England, for greasing it up with the finest hotts the world has to offer, and for proclaiming himself the heir to Eugenics and genetic superiority, The Gator gets a well deserved lifetime position as HCwDB Emeritus.

Just rank.

Congrats, Gator.

You are forever enshrined in hottie/douchey lore.

Douchiest Popped Collar: Pinky

Narrowly besting both The Zebra and A Dude With A Lot of Popped Collars, Pinky first appeared on the site back in August.

In a contested and close vote, Pinky barely pops out the win and takes the Douchie for the adorably Bleethed out and pouty cute by his side.

And the pink. Anyone with the pinked popped collar is uberscrote.

Yes, the Popped Collar trend is a dying manifestation of douchebaggery, giving way to new douchal developments like shirtless and white studded belts.

But we will always honor the Pop here at HCwDB.

With a Douchie Award.

Douchiest Celebrity Couple: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren

I don’t know who Cash Warren is. I don’t even know if he has a face.

But he’s impregnated the plump lipped uberhott that is The Alba. And since he’s got the hint of a tribal tatt, and his first name is Cash, that’s good enough for me.

Seriously. “Cash.”

That right there is enough for me to hand out the 2007 Douchie for Celebrity HCwDB Couple to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren.
Come on down, and accept your award, Jessica!

And by award I mean me, speaking in tongues while gargling windex and rubbing finger paint on my thorax, just for the chance to chew on your used kleenex.

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Long Journey

I don’t think any pic quite summed up the cultural crises of meaning in the age of spectacle quite like The Long Journey, which ran back in late May.

Within this one singular pic from the dregs of Vegas therein lies the intersect of all permutations of visual culture’s recreation of meaning in the mechanical age. Spectacle plus chin pubes. Authenticity can only be found through the acquisition of the collective gaze.

It is Baudrillard by way of post-Benjamin gender dialectics within Foucauldian power relations of poo.

In other words, it’s really, really douchey.

Honorable Mention: Captain Jack Spackle from October. Yarrrr!!!