Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Orangest Orange: The Prompas

A well deserved 2007 Douchie to the Prompas for redefining one of the basic colors of the rainbow.

They first ran on the site in that now legendary capture of awkward teenage angst in late May, and again in October.

Take a bow, Prompas!

And by bow, I mean orange.

First runner-up: The Orange-u-tans

Best Golden Globes

Keep them votes coming, voting is now open for the 2007 Douchie for Best Golden Globes. And by open, I mean soft, succulent and soft:

Best Golden Globes Finalist #1: Boobies Spake Zarathustra

Best Side Boob ever.

She is a tall drink of Spanish Hott by way of Slavic interbreed.

Perfect.

He is average, anonymous tonguebag choad.

But she is perfect.

Did I mention Best Side Boob ever?

This ran on the site back in July.

Note to self: Cool it on the Nietzsche references in 2008.

Best Golden Globes Finalist #2: The Boobie Sun God

Megods, holy guacamole, I forgot the fantastic Sun God hedonism of worship that these two solar globes deserve. This pic ran back in October.

Megods.

Yowza.

Two cans of fun factory play-doh goodness.

Babies around the world rejoice.

Lovely.

So lovely.

So very very lovely.

Best Golden Globes Finalist #3: Pillows

The soft downey teddy bear giggling softness of Pillows ran all the way back in January, but remains a perfect melding of side-boob and perky firm hello-how-are-ya-ness.

Them’s your three.

Before you vote, remember this: Boobies, Boobies, Boobies, and Kafka. It is your mantra. It is your slogan. It is your guide.

Who will win this category? We will. All of us. The future of the human race. We all win. Society wins. My pants win. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Most Annoying New Douche Move

And now, for the next open voting Douchie Award, The Most Annoying New Douche Move of 2007:

Most Annoying New Douche Move Finalist #1: The Ab Lobster

Pointing.

To.

His.

Abs.

Most Annoying New Douche Move Finalist #2: The Peach Point

Sheer simplicity.

And yet beyond annoying.

The Peach Point comes complete with stone face, sunglasses, spikey hair and Bruce Willis jowls.

Total putz.

Peaches earned his way into the Hall of Scrote by producing consistency, longevity and total douchosity with a number of hotties by his side.

But is it enough to earn a 2007 Douchie?

Most Annoying New Douche Move Finalist #3: The Trainwreck aka The Doggie ‘Bag

At first we thought this was a one-off.

The preening scrote, posing for the camera in proud doggie position.

But soon we came to learn it was a plague.

An epidemic.

We dubbed it, The Doggie ‘Bag.

And it spread like wristdanas and Gatorade.

Like spilled chicken and Grey Goose.

But this is a vote not simply for which is the best HCwDB pic featured here, but which is the douchiest new douche move. Not necessarily the most prevalent, as that would be the Doggie ‘Bag, asses to donuts.

But which is the most puke worthy monstrosity of physical manifestation of all that is douchebaggy?

This is not an easy choice. All three are supreme ‘bagheads and each deserves recognition with a Douchie, or perhaps a sock full of camel poo to the face. But while there are three, only one will win the Douchie. But which one?

Which scrotal manifestation was the most innovative and disturbing of the past year? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, hotties and tramp stamps, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Sexiest Librarian Glasses: Scrotey Opie's Hott

Another 2007 Douchie Winner from all the way back in January, Scrotey Opie’s Librarian Hott haunts me to this day.

She is pure sex in a can. A can with glasses.

I’ve always had a thing for the nerdy eyewear on the hott. It speaks of a bubbling cauldron of sexual heat lurking underneath that prim and proper exterior of a sexually repressed Catholic School girl. Who, as we all know, start much to late.

Congrats on the 2007 Douchie, SOH. I love you two times plus one.

Honrary Mention: Fluke Skybagger’s Hott from early October.

Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott: Clay Wankin's Hott

This delightfully and understated ball of perfection ran on the site back in January, under the headline Clay Wankin’

She has that understated Ivory Snow purity. I would hold doors for her, massage her feet, listen intently as she told me about her day, then quietly hump her leg to Phillip Glass MP3 while she slapped me in the buttocks and screamed for the daddy who didn’t love her enough.

Enjoy this 2007 Douchie Award, CWH. You’ve earned it.

And by earned it I mean very large, very perfect boobies.

Hottest Innocent Getting Grease Tackled: Chandlerbag and the Bumper

Sexy and innocent Bumper Hottowitz has perhaps one of the finest backsides to ever grace this site.

This commingling of greased up Chandler Douche and innocence made the site back in June, won a Weekly and then faltered in the monthly.

But oh what a backside. What a sweet, innocent smile.

And what a tool.

Here’s a well deserved 2007 Douchie for “Hottest Innocent Getting Greasetackled.”

Now get yer hands off her, greasehead.

Most Annoying 'Bagling: White By Unpopular Happenstance

And the 2007 Douchie for “Most Annoying ‘Bagling” goes to….

White By Unpopular Happenstance.

This offensively developing choadscrote ran in October and remains awash in cultural tragedy.

You offend our aesthetics, kid.

Douchiest Superhero: Batbag

Nanananana nanananana… BATBAG!!

While you’re voting for the prelims for HCwDB of the Year, lets start the show off with a slam dunk award.

Douchiest Superhero: The Batbag.

Congratulations to the flaccid breasted Batbag on a well deserved Douchie. Saving Gotham from crime, and by crime I mean aesthetically pleasing non-greasebaggery.

And lets not forget ‘Bobbin’, his bland and dimpled sidekick. And the poor MILF caught in his wake.

Come on down, Batbag! You’re the first 2007 Douchie Winner.

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 3

Bracket #3 (scroll down to vote in Brackets #1 and #2):

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #7: The Trainwreck


The Trainwreck won The Monthly back in early August, and the surreal ridiculousness of his escapades remain burned into our collective psyche.

The Doggie ‘Bag. One of the most disturbing of the douchological developments of 2007.

She is cheap KMart jammie pants hott.

I love her mock surprise. And suckable abs. She is delectable.

He is one of the great choads of this, or any other, Douchie year.

The Goose, Gatorade (no, not that Gator) and spilled chicken, as well as that wristdana, take this pic to the next level of surrealism.

Celebrate it.

And by celebrate it, I mean stare at it in abject horror.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #8: Fish Slap

What more can be said about the legend of Fish Slap? The Slapster appeared sporadically on the site throughout February and March before finally winning the Monthly back in May.

We’ve seen him impersonating gladiators from the movie 300.

We’ve seen him shirtless enough times to make us want to gouge our corneas out with a rusty fork.

Always with cuties by his side, the ‘Slap maintains the concentration of higher conscious Zen uber-scrote.

Note 10 Degree Hat Tilt. Stubble. Annoying bling.

And a face worthy of slapping with a dead fish.

Angular Hott is far too innocent to be featured with Fish Slap. Then again, our whole society is far too innocent. Or is it? Perhaps we are all guilty.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #9: The Creeper

The Creeper’s alien tongue and sexy Swedish mamacita have faded from view, and he probably doesn’t stand much chance in the Yearly.

But a Monthly winner he was.

And so he gets his due.

That pink paisley shirt is pretty great though.

And by great, I mean douchey.

Very, very douchey.

Now you’ve reviewed the nine Monthly winners, and are wondering, “Whither, Gator?”

The Gator, as a professional douche (and Z-list celebrity), will be getting a special Douchie award this year. As such, his leathery visage is not eligible for the Yearly. It was a tough decision, but the Academy of Douchological Sciences have ruled — no celebs for the Yearly.

So them’s your choices.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 2

Second bracket:

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #4: The Crustacean

While we can’t nominate Crusy for Innovating Douche Maneuver (he was beaten to the Pointing. At. His. Abs. move by The Ab Lobster), we can nominate him for the douchiest puma wearer in a room full of the hottest hott outside of my 10th grade math class fantasies (sorry Mrs. Hoover).

Crusty took the prize back in early September in convincing fashion.

Rainbow Stripe has a body that Sherpas climbed mountains to understand. Blond on the far left should be illegal in 34 states. Middle Brunette is an anime glass of Boba.

The hotts are overwhelming. He is uberchoad. With stains on his jeans. God damn, I forgot how much I enjoyed this pic. And by enjoyed, I mean smacked myself about the face with a wet graham cracker.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #5: Rooster Wank and the Holy Blue Triangle

Back in April, the ridiculous Rooster and the ridiculously sexy Holy Blue Triangle, won the Monthly on the sheer power of Rooster Hair and Hott.

Her body is a milkshake drinkable power drink that mutates your DNA into the next stage of human evolution.

The type Arthur C. Clarke wrote about in Childhood’s End.

Celebrate the Collar Popp.

Celebrate the ubersmoking perfection of The Holy Blue Triangle.

Mock the Rooster.

For he shaves his head.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #6: Donkey Douche

One of the first true legends of 2007, the Donkster took the Monthly by storm back in February on the power of his barrel tossing, metal girder climbing hottie conquest.

And dig that leopard print shirt.

She is simply breathtaking.

I would castrate a flock of Emus simply for the chance to chase an elk across the Serengeti that will someday be killed and turned into her future winter coat.

Here’s your Bracket 2.

Which combo of douche and hott rises to the top? Is worthy of finalist status in the HCwDB of the Year?

Pick your winner, and by winner I mean ass, and vote in the comments thread.