Wednesday, January 9, 2008

    Wednesday Limerick

    There once was a douche who wanted to “rock!”
    So he made a neck-kerchif out of a sock.
    A gaggle of cutes,
    fondled bottles and flutes,
    While some angry birds looked for the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock.

    Man I need some coffee…

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, January 9, 2008

    2 1/2 Packer


    Remember Freshman year of college when your buddies would manage to convince someone to buy them a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbons outside the 7-11, then drink 3 1/2 of them by the time they made it over to your house?

    That’s this guy’s abs. A 2 1/2 pack of PBRs.

    But thanks for showing us, Billy Zane Douche, and nice underwear.

    Tami Hott’s got some well swollen healthy mamms and a sweet smile that says “I may be loud and fiesty, but I’ll still cook you a lasagna when you’re sick.”

    I love those types. The world needs more of them.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, January 9, 2008

    HCwDB of the Week: The Whale Squirts

    PIC DELETED

    In the first Weekly of 2008 it was a close vote between the Whale Squirts and Gabehcuod, but the Squirts pulled it out.

    ted theodore scrotgan makes the case:

    jaques is a dirty old ‘bag for sure, and the hulking maze-head gabehcuod is certainly deserving as well; but the squirts take the poo cake.

    unbuttoned shirt is bad enough, but WITH a tie? and the shine off that scrote’s forehead is reminescent of the aurora douchiealis.

    and that’s not even taking into account the scrubby side kick with the greasy mullet-turdhawk hair style. welcome to ’08, hunters. i have seen the future, and it is douchey.

    Well said, Ted. And ron tugnut agrees:

    I’m giving it to the Squirts. You know that entire room is full of them, and that poor brunette looking out at the world as if to say ‘is this really all there is…world?’ Great HCwDB tension in this one. It’s a classic. Chances are the choads are going to end up with each other.

    But the horror film warning that is “Gabehcuod” also found support. As bagwagger puts it:

    Gabehcuod has Bedazzled jeans. Having to resort to spangles to draw attention to your nether regions — shudder — is the height of douchetude. I have navigated the Fun Pad maze on his overly small head, and at the end of the road was the only possible HCwDB winner of the week: Gabehcuod. (Five rings? FIVE RINGS?)

    Bedazzled jeans. I think I tried to block those out.

    Poor Jacques, the cleaner shrimp came in a distant third, although creature uses the laugh factor to cast in with his net:

    Jacques (pronounced Shjaw-quess) for he is the subtle, suave, strike on the stealth type douche that perverts & soils our hotts on the highest levels. Jacques smoothly slimes & stalks the corridors of the more respectable hott’hunting grounds (not Da’ clubs) oozing his oily charms infecting our most desireable hottts with his charm masked douche.

    Well said, Creature. But this is the Squirts day to shine. And by shine, I mean shine. As no country for old douchebags succinctly puts it:

    For me its got be whale squirts. That cleavite is mana from heaven sent to us to show no matter how douche it can get the hots will always be hots.

    Thank God for that.

    Thank God indeed.

    Great comments and votes all around, promising a healthy round of ‘bag hunting in the new year. So lets raise the Whale Squirts to the victor’s circle. They are our first HCwDB Weekly Winner of 2008, and we’ll see their douched up foreheads and those hott boobies again in the Monthly.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 8, 2008

    Old Man Liver


    Grandpa?

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 8, 2008

    Little Ditty 'bout Melody and Brad


    Melody’s a delightful perky waitress in Omaha. Brad’s a douched up personal trainer type who rides a Vespa.

    A lime green Vespa.

    Melody’s saving her money to help Brad out with his real estate company that he’s going to launch after taking the 5 CD training course he ordered online. Melody tells all her friends that Brad’s got a “soft side” that no one but her can see.

    Brad gives graphic descriptions of Melody’s ass to his clients at the gym.

    Or, at least, that’s how I see this unholy communion playing out. But I could be wrong.

    I’ve been wrong before.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 8, 2008

    Where's Waldouche?


    Somewhere in this lineup of trashy but cute party girls, I’ve carefully hidden a tongue sticking fauxhawked beefwich Waldouche.

    Look closely.

    Can you find him?

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 8, 2008

    Bagnolia


    Kimmy, Kelly, I don’t mean to tell you whom to date and whom not to date.

    But the Bedazzled sweater-vest on Persian Tom Cruise may be indicator #1 that you chose poorly.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, January 8, 2008

    Tim Schwarzenegger


    I’ll be ‘Bag.

    I always knew the governator liked to paw innocent young things.

    I just didn’t know he had a creepy cousin, Tim Schwarzenegger.

    Stop it, Tim. Release the hottie. It looks like you’re about to snap her spine like a twig.

    It can’t be that bad being Ahnold’s douchey cousin. There’s gotta be some perks. Like getting to wear his shirt from Commando. And getting to paw the makeup girls like you’re searching for spare change under a seat cushion.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 7, 2008

    Rolling Cubans


    Reader J Hott sends in this pic of Dallas Mavericks owner and all around douchey nerdbag Mark Cuban skeezing it up at her friend’s birthday party:

    —-
    The picture is like 2 years old. And I had no idea who he was and kept telling me that he owned the Mavericks and that he was millionaire, blah blah blah and all my friends were cracking up because I think he was offended that I had no idea.

    I think he hit on every chick in the place that night.
    —-

    Proof positive that even billionaires get drunk, wear stupid shirts, and stare slovenly at nice boobies.

    Keep starin’, Cubanbag. Brunette knows what’s up. You are clearly not a “Real Player.”

    Ah, Real Player. I crack myself up.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 7, 2008

    Dotal Touchebag

    But the symmetry on the fauxhawk/chin-pubes is masterful. It’s like the scarlet letter of uberdouche.

    # posted by douchebag1
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