Monday, January 7, 2008

    Chii Chii


    The 10 Degree Hat Tilt, retro jersey, bling and douche-face render Chii Chii a golfing legend of douchebaggery.

    What makes a 10 Degree Hat Tilt Tilt? Why, the douche within of course.

    He should simply not be cohabitating with Nadja, the Russian Former Ballet Dancer. Especially not in an what appears to be an outhouse in northern Minnesota.

    But while that chin would fill out a Robocop suit, and the “Chii” baseball cap makes my uvula itch, Nadja seems happy.

    So who am I to judge?

    Meh, I’ll judge anyway. Step off, Chii.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 7, 2008

    The Lizard Scrote


    Pouty, Bug Eyed, Tribal Tatted, Bling Adorned Morrisonbag may or may not be one of the lost members of 2007 Douchie Winning team scrotes, The Douche Platoon.

    So instead I annoint him the oily heir to Jim Morrison’s Lizard Scrote.

    He is Entitlement Foul.

    Rich Kid Wrong.

    But angelic swimsuit on the left offers hope. She is ice cream hott. She need not even have a face. Because I’m sensitive like that.

    And those Polkadot Boobs on the right caused the Cuban Missile Crisis in ’62. Fantastic. Beautiful. Boobie.

    So sit on that throne, Lizard Scrote, and enjoy your spoils. I’ll… uh… make fun of you. And grumble. And eat my Lucky Charms angrily.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 7, 2008

    HCwDB of the Week: Hangover Edition

    Props once again to all who participated in the 2007 Douchie Awards for the brilliant comments threads and for voting. I think we did pretty good sorting the 2007 douche from the chaff, no?

    Well today is the day we gear it up again.

    Today’s the day we begin 2008 ‘Bag Hunting. Our attempts to once again answer that age old question: Is she really going out with him? Why does she look sweet and why does he look like a day-glo peacock dipped in poo? How did this wrongness happen?

    Here are your finalists for the first 2008 HCwDB Combo of the Week:

    HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Gabehcuod


    Legend has it that it took director Stanley Douchebrick over 90 takes just to get Gabehcuod’s expression just right.

    But that’s what you expect from a cinematic Master. Attention to douchetail.

    Making sure every pattern shaved into the head matches the original descriptions in the Steven King novel, The Douching.

    And poor Wendy. Give me the ‘bag, Wendy. Give me the ‘bag!

    Her body has the health and vigor of a teenage farm girl in the Swiss Alps in the 1930s.

    I have nothing else to add except three ring fingers.

    Three ring fingers for the spawn of Pumpy/Gator wrongness. Gross.

    HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Whale Squirts

    PIC DELETED

    Rarely do we get such fantastic pale cleavite enhanced side-boob on a Hott, and a shirtless douche wearing a white silk tie and with inverted Mark of the ‘Bag on his forehead grease.

    Overlooked by many is the adorable brunette getting crushed in the whale squirt sandwich.

    She has the bright wide eyes of hope. She has the meaty arms I would suck on with vampiric intensity and shock treatment muscle spasm.

    Even Aunt Mae is cute. The Whale Squirts are a worthy finalist indeed.

    HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Jacques


    Aside from the Finding Nemo cleaner shrimp reference, which I was particularly proud of, Jacques answers the fans who want older and swarthier ‘bags to be featured on the site more often.

    And Ariel brings the early 30s sexiness in a way that is always appreciated.

    Ariel proves that a great smile can zombify shrimp and turn them into creepy leering douchepuds.

    So them’s your three.

    Which of these three pics srikes you as most worthy of winning the Weekly?

    Remember to take into account both the hottness of the cutie, and the doucheyness of the tool.

    Both. In mix.

    In swirl.

    In wrongness.

    Is it Gabehcuod, The Whale Squirts, or Jacques?

    Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, January 6, 2008

    Random Sunday Thoughts


    Here’s the lineup from yesterday’s pic shuffled up and resorted. My favorite has to be Antuk, the Armenian Weightlifter, on the right.

    Rock on, Antuk. Rock on.

    Random thoughts inspired by Antuk:

    I’m in a crabby mood since I sat through the overrated Juno last night. My first thought during the film: “Dear Generation After-Y, please kill yourselves.”

    My second thought: Well, I had to suffer through Reality Bites so I suppose it’s par for the generational course.

    Toss Juno into the Lars and the Real Girl category of wacky films about people I’ve never met, who live in towns that don’t exist, saying and doing things that no one ever says or does.

    On the flip side, the Clive Owen cameo in the finale of Extras may just have been the funniest two minutes of the year. Judge for yourself here.

    “I’m Clive Owen, that’s mental!” — best line of the year.

    And for most inspirational film moment of 2007, you have to go with the crowd chanting “We are Marshall!” in the hit Matthew McConaughey film of the same name. Watch the clip here.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, January 5, 2008

    Sunshiney 'Bags


    I can see clearly now, the rain is gone…
    I can see all…

    eww.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, January 5, 2008

    Friday Night Choad


    What is it about the chest reveal that causes a ‘bag to make the douche-lips at the same time? Are there hidden strings connecting chest hair and the lower muscles of the jaw?

    Regardless, it is Friday, and your scruffy narrator is just now recovering from the New Years festivities and massive quantities of alcohol consumption.

    Good pics have been flowing in, and things are gearing up to full speed on the site as of Monday. If you want to submit a hottie/douchey pic, send it along to me at douchebag1@hotchickswithdouchebags.com.

    It is a thunderous downpour here in Los Angeles as I sit on my floor and scratch myself. Because it can’t just rain here. Like everything else in L.A., it has to be Biblical.

    But I sip my cup of the ‘Train and contemplate the masks of douche performativity, the eternal chase of the hott, and the crappitude of bad white guitar players. But, in the immortal words of Bob Marley, every little thing’s gonna be all right.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 4, 2008

    The Palette of the Long Island Hott


    I’ve always had a thing for Long Island Hotts.

    I’m not sure why. Maybe that late 80s ‘Island hair explosion thing got to me. Or maybe it was Janet from Great Neck, the ridiculously curved 17 year old C.I.T. at my summer camp in 1988.

    Something about the gum smacking, the loudness and annoying laughs sort of turn me on in that exotic proletariat-hooker 1984 Orwellian way.

    I liken it to the class consciousness of different types of food.

    Some days you desire refined, high class food. A fancy restaurant. Good wine. Sauteed fowl that isn’t chicken (duck, quail, etc.).

    Other times you want to chow down on the greasy goodness of, say, a bucket of KFC. Or Twinkies and a Mr. Pibb.

    Long Island Hotts are the junk food category within the rainbow of choice that makes up my hott palette. Sure you need a touch of ginger and wasabi to clear the after-taste. But sometimes it’s worth it for the greasy goodness.

    And then there’s this leopard shaved head douche-tool. Whom I’d liken to a bad case of salmonella.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 4, 2008

    Eurobag / Not a Eurobag


    I’m not sure simply having a head shaped like a deflating grapefruit is enough to qualify for ‘bag status. Sure there’s the froofy neck sweater and popped sweater vest, but is that douche? More like confused European Studies professor, or struggling D.K.F.F. model (Donna Karan Frankfurt).

    No hand gestures. No bling.

    However the douche-stare is in effect.

    So I put it to you. Eurobag? Or not a Eurobag?

    You think it over while I cuddle up betwixt inflated Prague Doll and her icy Norwegian friend while bombing their Dresdens and negotiating their Oslos.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 4, 2008

    Rico Suave

    Well it’s 10 O’Clock and he’s two hours late. He never said he was a prompt date.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 4, 2008

    Friday Haiku


    Why the frown, Yuri?
    Neck Talisman, +1 Douche,
    While Kimmy drinks blue.

    Hott asks why so blue?
    Wind tunnel hair not working
    for you today bag?

    — d. baggins

    I’m foreign, angry
    Hunters keep calling me douche
    Hott thinks it’s funny

    — scrotebob douchepants

    fred savage hair cut.
    chin pubes, microphone, and bling.
    boobies, where art thou?

    — ted theodore scrotgan

    Smooth skinned cutie.
    White paw wont let her go.
    Anti-freeze only way out.

    — marcos douchebagdatis

    Hottie in headlock,
    Douche grips the firm microphone.
    Don’t tell Sigmund Freud.

    — clementine of cappadoucha

    Lothar is angry
    Thought he had Lindsay Lohan
    Kimmy’s not as cheap

    — mr. white

    When the blue of hott
    Meets the gold of the douchebag
    Mikey gets real hard

    — dion didouchie

    # posted by douchebag1
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