Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ask DB1: Hott Speak

Private School Hott writes in:

—-
Dear Douchebag1:

-A hott/ fellow graduate of an expensive private school.
—-

I’ve read this email six times and have no idea what it’s asking me. Perhaps someone else can expain it.

However, if Private School Hott has nice inner thighs, I will forgive the incoherence and buy her a number of cocktails while listening to her complain about how, like, her best friend Kimmy is, like, totally a bitch. For hours. While nodding appreciatively.

Yes, Private School Hott. Kimmy is, like, totally a bitch.

Because I’d listen to you read the phone book in Gaelic if there’s an off chance the night will end with my powdering your butt cheeks with talcum powder while singing songs of Algerian revolution.

M.C. Mesher

Mesher’s Swedish fetish porn look causes feral street cats to spontaneously cough up furballs. And while the potential for Gaybag is there, something tells me this is a metro look in the smaller cites of northern Scandinavia.

But Pouty Lost Brunette wears the white frilly top of my luridest high-school fantasies. And so she makes up for Mesher’s wrongness. Almost.

The Douche-Face

People often ask me, “DB1, how will I know the douche-face when I see it?”

I always answer with the same cryptic Zen response: You will know it when you know it.

It is not about the specifics of the face. Not simply a Ben Stillerian “Blue Steel.” It goes deeper. More sunken of cheek. More annoying of pout.

In the presence of the lei biting hott, the douche-face can reveal itself at a moment’s notice.

And when it does, be ready. To fling the poo.

Friday Haiku

Smirks echo through time,
Like Jersey Girls past thirty,
Where’s the White Castle?

Jean Claude Van Douchebag
needs several kicks to his head
to release the hott

— kissy lips

Recedo Bagg’s Hott
Came from set of Price is Right.
He has overbid.

— jeffbagwell

Hair monster attacks!
Technicolor vomit dress.
But still, I like her.

— mr. white

when I was a child
I thought my Mom was crazy
recycled curtains

— the ‘bag apple

“i’ll take two beers, guy”
says ass-chinned, freckle faced douche.
i’ll take night train. now.

— bcs

no panties on hott
face frozen in position
douche signals his length

– ‘bag lanta

Ask DB1: The Bleeth

burris writes in with a question about The Bleeth level, as seen in the pic from a few days ago, “The L”:

—-
DB1-

Isn’t a hot chick with enough eyeliner to make her look like a raccoon, flaunting a big fugly Louis Vuitton purse with lace half gloves right out of an 80’s Madonna video basically the female equivalent of a douchebag?
—-

What you’re describing is what we call “The Bleeth” level, or sometimes “The Douchebaguette,” which is the level of toxic douchebaggery in a hott (or former hott) who has spent too much time exposed to uber-douche, aka The Grieco Virus.

However, there is an important delineation between the stage-1/2 still redeemable Bleeth, and the stage 3/4 “No Hotties for Non Douche” tramp-stamped lost former chickas. Determining that line is a complex process which I cover in greater depth in my book, ironically titled “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” and currently available for Pre-Order from Amazon.com.

The picture here features a stage-3 Bleeth. Likely unredeemable. High levels of ‘Baguette. But not yet a stage-4. I try not to feature too many pics of the stage-4 Bleeth. Yeesh.

Emotherapy

Four out of five doctors recommend emotherapy as the best course of treatment after extended exposure to chin cacti.

Take the treatment, Ambiguous French Cutie. This Kid Rock merged with Roberto Benigni by way of Siegfried & Roy shtick is way toxic.

Spot the Beastie 'Bag

Somewhere, buried deep in this lineup of Freshman sorority/frat commingling, I’ve carefully hidden an emerging Beastie ‘Bag.

Look closely.

Can you spot his wigga wrongness?

He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks II

More scat poetry from He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks:

—-
I DON’T LIKE:

sex <—-sometimes. hairy nips. ass crusties. rain in your hair when you have gel in there. the feeling of throwin up. the smell at the zoo. people fartin in the car. naive people. simple girls. stupid tv shows (i love new york..come on). horny ugly girls. fat horny girls. girls who don't stop callin me when we both know they are fat and ugly as s@#t. girls at clubs who just wanna "dance." ass zits. dandruff. ear infections. physical checkup…picture a 90 year old guy playin wit my balls….ya. overly gay guys. gay popup porn. 2nd round in sex with a limp dick. the word "jerkin." nicknames that don't make sense like "cheesy","da sit", "asap", "blunt", and many more. people who say money isn't everything. people who say money doesnt buy happiness.
—-

Now sure, I know what you’re thinking, “whatta douche,” but who among us doesn’t hate hard, unchewable steak?

The Unnecessary Point

If ever there was a redundant gesture in life, it is your finger point, A/Xwipe. What are we, blind?

In the immortal words of Caesar upon discovering his betrayal at that hands of those closest to him, “Boobies.”

Stonebag / Not a Stonebag

Is Stony a ‘bag? Not a ‘bag? I don’t know.

All I know is her eyes call to me with the unknowable erotics of otherness. Her lips are pouty little pillows I would camp out on for weeks of monastic meditation before my descent into boobal perfection.

So yeah. Stony. You’re a douche. Because she’s touching your shirt with playful affection.

And you have an earring. And a tiny pizza bagel on the tip of your chin.