Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

No Point

Proving yet again that douchebaggery can be more than the sum of its parts, Pointy McVulcan sets off brushfires off the coast of Paraguay through the sheer force of his facial asstastery.

Check it out: No bling. No popped collar. No annoying hat tilt. Only one massive douche hand gesture, and yet the ‘bag factor is off the charts.

Or maybe it’s Diana, the curvy girl from my Sophomore year econ-1 class who sat directly in front of me, was a business major, and smelled like guava shampoo.

Oh Diana. How I miss not talking to you during lecture.

Her cupcakes were manna from heaven. If manna were boobie manna.

Friday Haiku

I’ll have a White Russian,
Send back the White Douchebag.
But leave Natasha.

chippendale’s flunky
take your striped hair and bad tatts
sell shots to tourists

— johnny scrotten

Gladiator douche.
He is so glad he ate her.
Excuse the bad pun.

— douche mcallister

i am lord gorgon
from the planet doucheymus
these are my space whores

— bcs

Billy Idol smirk
But in the midnight hour
She does not cry “more”

— mr. white

skunky haired douchebag
macks on cocktail waitresses
call security

— scrotisserie chicken

Two women from the future.
Need men to keep race going.
Extinction inevitable.

— Marcos Douchebagdatis

Pinky the Pinhead

Pinky’s got game.

How do I know?

The skull on his shirt. It’s got creepy batwings on it. Which means he’s a badass. I’m talking Bosworth level.

And a note for the ladies. Never underestimate the power of the simple, low cut, black dress. Especially when you have ginormous num nums to show off.

Nighthawk

PIC DELETED

Sly Stalloon isn’t the worst ‘bag out there. Sure he’s got the touch of chin pube, and the unbuttoned shirt reveal. But he seems more like a stage 1 or stage 2 doucheface. Nothing too offensive, but still mildly annoying.

Like having to eat at the Olive Garden.

It may not be good, but you usually don’t get that sick either.

I do like little Asian Soup Dumpling. She’s a compact package of to-go deep fried hottness, sweet and sour and ready to serve, with no MSG, and a fortune cookie surprise.

And if you think comparing her to Chinese food is demeaning, just be glad I didn’t go for the chopsticks allusions.

But I’m still crabby since I got busted for parking my car in a handicapped zone.

Flaming Orange

I haven’t seen an orange hue that saturated since Nestor Almendros’ cinematography in Terrence Malick’s Days of Heaven.

What, too obscure?

Milli Vanilla

Oh sure, laugh at them if you must. But these guys are absolutely huge in Belgium and France.

I’m talking the third biggest metal fusion acid jazz trip-hop funk cover band, as based on sales records in all of greater Antwerp, just behind Kathleen Turner Overdrive and The Rutles.

And they’re hanging with The Ghost of Pamela. So they are rock and roll. And you are not.

Spikes McGangster may be making the strangest Shocker I’ve seen. Whereas Perry Farrell makes an impressively tough gesture while holding a champagne glass.

Hey kids, rock and roll. Rock on.

The Peeps Crush

You know how certain girls who do a lot of yoga reach that rarified state I like to call “firm ‘n soft,” where they’re tight and lean, but also soft and pillowy, like a microwaved peeps marshmallow?

It is that beautiful contradiction of ass kicking hardbody and soft bouncy boobies that weird little tiny midgets bounce up and down on while dressed in clown suits, that sends in my boobie circus.

My psychedelic boobie circus.

She is that perfect contradiction of firm ‘n soft. Stone and marshmallow peeps.

Seeing her getting squished between House of Pain before they head over to Sue’s house to play hockey with Mikey and T-Bone makes me want to pull out a gatt behind The Dresden.

Dolce and Garbaga

Oh sweetie, I’m not sure if there is any hope for you.

Too much exposure to Jackbag, and you are well on your way to the dark side of the Bleeth.

All we can do is take away your charge card from Loehmann’s and tear up your subscription to In-Style until you’ve become deLohaned.

Farmer Ted

It’s hard to take this ‘bagling seriously when Anthony Michael Hall just walked by and paid him a dozen floppy discs.

Wednesday Limerick

Beware the Angry Red Abomination,
Especially when he’s got lip mutation,
But Boobs on his lap,
Looks tired and needs a nap,
Go ahead, Red’s got fears of castration.