Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Spitzer? I Hardly Know Her

PIC DELETED

In my continuing quest to be groundbreaking here at HCwDB, all while sitting around in my underwear and scratching myself, a reader brings us a look at the Spitzer Call Girl in hard partying fratchoad action.

Yep, there she is. Not sure which one she is. But she’s one of these two.

There was no doubt that when not banging elected officials for coin, this girl was giving it up for free to the frat-douche.

HCwDB Turns No. 2

Happy Birthday! The site turns two today.

At the risk of sounding like an emo Mayerbag, it’s been a pleasure and a body wonderland to keep you laughing. And also to see how far we’ve grown since it was my far off grumblings in a corner of the intarwebs.

We get to do a service on behalf of the hopes and dreams of a less greasy tomorrow, while staring at boobies the whole time.

We’re part ideological crusaders, part pervs.

There’s lots of good stuff coming up in year three, including the book release in July. So to the ‘bag hunters who send me pics on a daily basis, couldn’t have done it without you. To the regulars in the comments threads, bringing the funny every day is an amazing thing to behold.

We will untilt those cracked up designer Yankee caps one at a time if we have to. We will liberate the hott by teaching the hott that what she thinks is attractive is a Madison Ave marketing strategy.

And like Winston Churchill, Lewis and Clark, and Bill Murray’s unit in Stripes, we will prevail.

That’s the facts, Jack.

The Least Threatening Punk Ever

This is the point in history when the Sex Pistols get remixed and featured on Dancing With the Stars.

So it goes with subaltern culture. First the suburbanites are scared. Then they’re intrigued. Then it’s mass processed at Wal-Mart.

If you can’t beat ’em, recontextualize ’em.

Wednesday Limerick

It’s very very very very cold out,
You can tell by the douchey-ass sprout,
Yes the yellow nipple,
On Scrotey McWhipple,
Almost distracts from the Sexy Blonde Patsy Kensit Shout-Out.

Two Boobs

Transformation. Mutation. Flatulation.

With the spreading cloudstorm of pixelated shadow, the spectacle reaches its wispy conceptual tendrils across the lands. And so we help each other reinvent identity through the stimulus of visceral club culture echo as manifest. The erotics as sold to us in quick-cut flashy post-Fincher shakycam bite sized bytes.

The store bought $499.99 cloaks of the self-as-other, meant to cut through the white noise of mass-media saturation and present sexual viability as defined in the forum. In the conceptual arena of shared viability. Mutual judgment. 570 channels and nothing on but quick cut visual cacaphony. Image stimulus, postmodern recycle.

Inflated, tatted up, visual embodiment of cartoonish simulacrum. The erotics of media funhouse mirror refraction.

And boobies.

At least there’s still boobies.

They’re the one authenticity we can all still grab onto as we float through the swampy seas of choppy media soup. Floating onward on our liferafts of self. Our paddles of critical thought keeping us afloat.

But that sea is choppy. Grab a boob and hold on tight.

Igor

I get the two Catholic School Girls Gone Bad. I even can rationalize Patchouli Boy in the middle.

But what’s Shirtless Marty Feldman doing there?

HCwDB of the Week: The Small Package

In a surprising upset after early voting showed The Retarded Spider in the lead, The Small Package managed to pull out the HCwDB of the Week victory. And by victory, I mean societal suffrage. snoop douchey bagg goes townie on his ass:

Small Package gets my vote for resembling every jerk-off who hangs around Providence RI (the Triple-A league of douchebaggery, just an IROC drive away from the majors) on Saturday night.

Ah, yes. Providence. An enclave of scrote, if not so much hott.

douchefinity agrees, even with the power of The Retarded Spider’s blonde boobyness:

Retarded Spider certainly has a superior Hott, but the expression of small package is just to douchey to ignore.

Small Package it is.

Yes it is,douchefinity. lone scrote mcquade agrees:

The only one here that inspires any rage for me is Small Package. We’ve all known a guy like him. His previously mentioned complex of being too short (no pun intended) will force him into creeping out a few chicks. Then, once he realizes he’s getting nowhere, he’ll pick a fight with some relatively harmless dude. Scrotefucks like him shouldn’t be allowed in public after 9PM.

When I look at Amazon McBlondiecurls, I think UCLA women’s volleyball.

Mmm… UCLA girls volleyball girls. Very choice.

But douchedeville reminds us that new hand gestures should not be ignored, casting in for The Retarded Spider:

Retarded spider FTW. He just stumbled out of a Star Trek movie and although he’s high on ecstasy he is trying hard to duplicate Mr.Spock’s hand gesture but he can’t do it so it translates to Live Long and Be a Crippled Douchebag. His hott can try my phaser though.

Any sexual entendre involving phasers is so dorky, it merits a sort of respect. Good work, D.de V. And the well monikered i drink your doucheshake agrees:

Smug creep trounces paleolithic tool any day. The retard spider FTW!

Coming in a distant third, but with support, was Stamosbag. miss merry sunshine makes the argument for creepy Full House 1980s sitcom douchery:

Stamos ‘Bag get my vote. He icks me out to no end…the others I just feel sorry for. He looks like the kind of guy that would grab your crotch and think you would then marry him. Effing gross.

Gross indeed. But The Big Ego on the The Small Package was too douchey to ignore. schwagle makes the case:

Most douches today have the option of playing off their douche look as “style”. But this guy has no such retreat option. Due largely to his shirt, he projects a deafening roar of “I know I’m awesome” to everyone in a 3-mile radius, though the pitch at which he does it is only hearable by dogs. He has a look on his face that I cannot even accurately describe in words. Yes, his douchiness is beyond the scope of the English language. Factor in that, in a rare feat, his face is more oily than his hair (both of which put the Middle East to shame), and you have my vote for this week’s Weekly winner (and by winner, I mean poo).

And iutodd reminds us that the laughability factor is also an important part of any Hottie/Douchey pic:

Small Package only because the picture made me laugh. The ridiculousness of this picture is classic HCwDB.

And the ever-present anonymous takes it home for the Package:

What can Brown do for you? He can leave a Small Package at the door to the Weekly Winner’s Lounge.

So lets scrape off our collective shoes and reserve a place for the Vacuous Amazon and the Squat Package in the Monthly.

HCwDB in the Middle Ages

So have you ever asked yourself what happens to Hottie/Douchey couples in their later years, when the early bloom of their youth begins to fade?

Now we know. They don’t disappear.

They just turn more orange.

Grieco

So douchey, a caveman can do it.

Czechbaggery

Gregor Bagsa writes in from the Czech Republic:

—-
Just discovered your site and it’s doucherific. I reside in the Czech Republic which, along with the rest of Eastern Europe, is chock-full of hotties with the requisite douche counterparts.

I’m still feeling out exactly what constitutes a douchebag, but this pic is my first best guess.
—-

Not a bad first ‘Bag Tag, there Gregor.

Czech women have that perfect combination of large eyes, beautiful lips and blank, vacuous stare that screams “I don’t read, but I will spank your bottom with talcum powder and send you to bed without supper.”

And they would.

Because I was a bad boy.