Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week: Tighty Armani

At first it looked like this was The Yak’s week to puke on some boobies, but the sheer strength of Tighty Armani’s innovative shirt/bicep douche move, and utterly angelic blonde that he’s decided to headlock, were too much to overcome.

frozen orange douche lets loose with the primal id-scream:

Tighty Armani: DIE DOUCHEBAG DIE!!! YOU MUST BE DESTROYED!!!! DEATH BY A THOUSAND ICEPICKS!!!! ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Tighty Armani FTW.

First reactions, especially ones like this, are often a good barometer of a winning hott/douche pic. Or, as the everpresent anonymous tunes in:

Tighty Armani shows a disturbing new trend. With biceps like that, there’s a new sub-genre of Doucheroidbags pawing (and likely crushing) the hotts. Bad enough when spindly hair-spiked orange-skinned eels grope the perfect female flesh. This is way scarier.

The biceps + tight designer shirt is indeed a new sign of the coming douchepocalpyse, and we should all be very scared. And Senn invokes the Holy Pumpy, in casting in with T.A.:

My vote goes to Tighty Armani, because beeing a huge fan of holy pumpy I always had something for Inflatadouches , that something beeing a urge to facestab , right between the tasteful chinstrap and the insulting grin.

Well said, Senn. But The Yak was a very close second, finding lots of support, and by support I mean hint of cleavite. As Johnny Scrotten puts it:

the yak.

this guy embodies a great quote from the irish playwright, george bernard shaw; “youth is wasted on the young”

GB Shaw should’ve added, “and boobies are wasted on the young hotts who choose douchefaces to hook up with.” At least, that’s how I would’ve written it. Because I’m like a GB Shaw echo.

Agreeing about the Yak is Idaho’s own idahohottpotato:

She is hot enough to make straight women consider a lesbian fling, and he is… poo.

Indeed, hottP. And the ever present anonymous hits the core of The Yak’s appeal:

I must vote for The Yak for 2 reasons. DB1’s Theory of the Hottie-Scrote Yin-Yang Polarity is put to the limits in this photo. He may not exhibit the highest amount of douche, but appears to be more of a Joe Six-pack who was infected with the Grieco. The fact that such a low-level douche can nestle between such voluptuous blond sweater cows makes me contemplate infecting myself with the Douche virus. And for that, I hate him.

Very well argued, Anon.

2001 lost out due to professional douchebaggery, and probably rightly so. I think I was distracted by the uberhotts and couldn’t resist giving those four oranges a chance in the finals.

As to my logic for disqualifying The Blowfish, the potential for gaybaggery is one disqualifier as the essence of every great HCwDB pic is the rage of douche/hott cohabitation. But it was also that The Blowfish’s mouth was just creeping me the hell out. That thing + the facial pubes, was just plain too disturbing to look at.

However, something tells me The Blowfish may just be in line for a 2008 Douchie Award. So don’t fret, ‘Fish fans. You’ll get additional mocking time down the road.

This week, it’s T.A. BaDouchus as our last entry for the Monthly. It is well deserved. As mary puts it:

Tighty Armani. Just for his dumb f@#king t shirt. Blondie is not looking at him, she’s doing her best to not inhale his Axe stink.

Exactly, Mary. And don’t forget: Chin strap. Megods, we live in a world with facial hair chinstraps. And sexy blondes who like them. If that ain’t hott/douche, I don’t know what is.

Late Nite Douche Club

Yeah it’s late. But reading the excellent deconstructions of our own King D the IV for the HoS, I couldn’t help but genuflect.

And when I genuflect, I need some scrote to mock and some hotts, even milfy ones, to keep me company.

This means you, alien tough guy doucheface.

Your mom is hott. So’s your sister. Now get the hell out of the pic before I grab your designer ‘tags and yank.

In other good news, the site won a Webby in the Culture/Personal blog category.

As part of my acceptance speech, I’d like to thank The Gator. No really. For being the heaping Britdouche primal force of greased up wrongness that drives me on a daily basis to save the hott women from their clutches, he deserves my thanks. And by thanks, I mean a cracked up rhesus monkey flinging week old poo.

Alas, alack, it’s late at night. Time to celebrate The Webby with a tasty plastic cup of Thunderbird.

And a HoHo.

Because HoHos are good.

King Douchuous the IV for Hall of Scrote

Some Hall of Scrote legends get there through instantly brilliant hottie/douchey wrongness. A singularity of absurdity. A corporeal manifestation of all that is superdouche and hott, together and wrong.

Others get there through longevity. A body of work.

And by body, I mean in the presence of hott ass boobies with stupid-ass hair.

Witness the King’s run here, here, here, here, here, here, and here,

King Douchuous the IV first appeared on the site last summer, bringing a Brothabag into the mix. He won a Weekly, but just seemed too darn goofy and professional to induce much rage.

Holding him back, arguing against inclusion, is the “pro-douche” factor. The club promotion thing. Pro douchebaggery never quite rankles like the amateurs do.

But a call has been made to nominate him for our hallowed Hall of Scrote. And so I put it to the floor.

King D for the HoS?

The Prince of Pud

Wherever there’s a suburban sorority kegger party, he’ll be there.

Wherever there’s a Ubiquitous Red Cup, he’ll be there.

Wherever there’s a need to shave the top part of a chest to go with the shirtless rosary bead look, he’ll be there.

He’s The Prince of Pud. And he’s coming… for you.

Clubland Mating Call

After the club lets out, watch the doucheclowns gather as the coital mating dance begins…

Caption This Pic

“She loves my chin eye, so who are you to judge?”

Vincent D'ouchenofrio

Is ‘Bag Hand Gesture #73 (The Middle Finger) the 2008 version of ‘Bag Hand Gesture #118 (The Shocker)?

And are 10 Degree Designer Yankee Hat Tilts the 2008 version of 10 Degree Designer Yankee Hat Tilts?

But most importantly, can somebody kick Vincent D’ouchenofrio in the nads so I can buy Jenny a Long Island Iced Tea?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Popped Collar

PIC DELETED

Throw me the Hott, I’ll throw you the Bodyspray!!

Yeah, I’ve made that joke before. And I’ll make it again.

Especially now that Short Round is a delightful female cocktail waitress.

The Metaphysical Orange

Many of those training in the ‘bag hunting arts keep asking me, is this one of Joey Porsche’s crew? Or simply an anonymous orange oompa guido douche?

The answer, grasshoppers, is that this is the wrong question to ask.

A great parable for you to meditate on is what I like to call the “Police Academy Conundrum.” First posed in 1987, it is a classic example of false choice.

The debate centers around who was a sexier love interest for Steve Guttenberg’s Mahoney, Kim Cattrall in Police Academy, or Sharon Stone in Police Academy IV: Citizens on Patrol.

Each actress brought specific and unique thespian qualities to their performances as Cadet Karen Thompson and Claire Mattson, respectively.

To pick one is to create false choice, and thus false consciousness.

Remember the Police Academy Hott conundrum when contemplating the pursuit of meaning in examining the orange doucheface.

Whether this is a Porsche Disciple or not is the wrong question to ask. For it creates binary. It creates an inherent competitiveness within a framework of elimination that is not needed for enlightenment.

Old 'Bag River

Old ‘Bag River,
He just keeps scrotin’,
He just keeps scrotin’,
He just keeps scrotin’,
He just keeps scrotin’, along.

While you’re considering your vote in the Weekly, I thought I’d present the greatest asschin this side of young Kirk Douglas.

And yes, I would risk the mouth herp to make out with Pout Blond on the right.