Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Pippy 'Bagstocking

PIC DELETED

I know you’re already sick of Pippy, but it’s Friday, and I’m running out of quality pics submitted this week.

Besides, there’s a certain genius consistency in ‘bag reflex. It’s like a form of douche Tourette’s Syndrome.

Ordering a pizza? Sideways hand gesture. Flagging down a taxi? Sideways hand gesture. Begging your parole officer not to report the Tijuana weekend? Sideways hand gesture.

And Perfect Ski Bunny Hott remains the fruits of my loins. I’ll even let her bring her brunette friend along. Because I’m generous like that.

Gabe's Night Life

Why do I get the feeling that Gabe from the accounts services department at J. Walter Thompson likes to spend his weekends dressing up as a pimp and telling the mature hotts that his name is “Javier,” and he’s from Colombia on “business”?

Give it up, Gabe. She ain’t buying.

Oh, and a memo from Tim in accounting: It’s your turn to bring the donuts to the office meeting on Monday.

Chippy

I don’t know if Erik Estradouche is really that bad, probably not, I just want to know why the hell my college birthday parties never looked like this.

I see you, little white lingerie princess, yes I do… Have you been naughty? Would you like to me to talcum your bottom, then spend two hours in the garage washing your car while you run up charges on my credit card?

Dammit. I knew it.

Friday Haiku

Jaundiced alien
Facehugger laid eggs in hott,
Take off, nuke from sky.

it’s Tori Spelling
clubbing with Steven Tyler.
Apocalypse now.

— pfah

Grandpa loved red skulls
Botox bag clueless while
Molesting my sister

— something horrible

Bleethed out buxom blonde
Stoned roadie for Buckcherry
Bag hand gestures match

— the davinci choad

The boobs are massive
Skeletor is the devil
The world is ending

— danny noonan

hey michael jackson
good to see you like girls now
so what made you change?

— johnny scrotten

Miamy Scammy

Ah yes, the lesser known Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream flavor, Miamy Scammy. It’s made with vanilla ice cream, Italian flavoring, Axe Body spray and chunks of mud from Miami Beach.

Can’t understand why it never caught on.

The Hoverbag

We haven’t had a good Hoverbag on the site in awhile. Generally speaking, we define Hoverbags as any scrotal pud that mucks up an otherwise perfectly good lesbian kiss pic.

They’re rendered douche status simply for showing up. Thus, an otherwise harmless dude like Little Joey here becomes Hoverbag simply for attempting the “double shocker” while smoking a stogie behind your classic sophomore year college coeds in their “experimental phase.”

And let us all celebrate the college coed “experimental phase” period. It lasts about a year before they each hunt down a stockbroker husband and move to Staten Island.

Brawndo

PIC DELETED

I haven’t seen such a blank expression since Not Sure switched America from Brawndo to water.

Speaking of Brawndo, The Thirst Mutilator (it’s got electrolytes!) I think it’s time to officially welcome Mike Judge’s Idiocracy into the pop-culture referencing fold. I wasn’t sure it was going to make it, and while not likely to reach the saturation of Office Space, Idiocracy has enough genius in it to more than deserve to enter the discourse.

Welcome to CostCo. I love you.

Tony and Clara's Dilemma

It’s lunch time. Tony and Clara are hungry, but they’re not sure what to do. They need your help.

Should Tony and Clara:

A. Order from Taco Bell
B. Order from White Castle
C. Order from Subway
D. Confront their societal constructions of self, explore their authenticity and attempt genuine communication through philosophical inquiry and deep introspection.

Vote now!

Hott Mail

Firm Boobied Leelee Sobieski Brunette writes in:

—-
Dear Douche bag exposers,
Hi! I found myself on your site listed as “sexy, big cheekboned, firm boobied Leelee Sobieski brunette” under Friday, April 18, 2008. I thought it was hilarious and I laughed really hard even though not all the comments are too flattering for me, I have a good sense of humor.

Have a fab day, and happy douche bag hunting. 🙂
Ciao,
Becca
——

Ah, cute girls with ‘bag hunting skills and a sense of humor. Becca may be a candidate for the DB1’s third future ex-wife, somewhere around my early 40s after a stint in Reno sent me to the clink for six months.

Cowbag / Not a Cowbag

Cowbag probably isn’t true douche, although the shaved chest and rippling face that looks like Lake Winnipesaukee after six jetski Hells Angels rode through its waters definitely are punchable.

But hey, if Stripper Hott’s body were any tighter it’d fuse oxygen into ozone. And by oxygen, I mean me. And by ozone, I mean me after coitus.

So yeah, Cowbag’s not really classic douche. But I’m going with it.

Mainly because exposure to the new Carmine Gotti Song is so nauseating, its core radiating Jersey douchosity so foul, I need a little counterpoint.

Cowbag and his stripper hott are definitely that counterpoint.

EDIT: Apparently they’re a famous celebridouche couple in Britain. Which is kind of like being the best juggler in Armlessland. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds good.